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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an apology for from neighbour crude talk with my 15yo dd

53 replies

Scotmumof2girls · 26/07/2016 11:07

First time post here but have watched many previous post.

I just returned from weekend away with other dd And while I was away our neighbour had made an inappropriate comment to my other dd (15).

It goes....

She was walking home from her Saturday job at the chippy when the neighbour asked here why she walks as if she's always ready to fight. She explained her shoulders are so big it's ended up being her natural walk.

He then said - naw it's because your tits are too big.

Dd came home and told her dad who went out to find him but he had dissapeared. He finally saw him return and went over, gave him a mouthful and said this as his first and last warning that if he ever spoke to his 15yo like that again it would be his last. He was loud enough for neighbours to hear, I think intentionally because dd had begged him not to start a fight. His natural instinct was to punch him.

The neighbour started to smile and went to say something then seemed to Think better and just nodded and lowered his head.

Hubby then called me to let me know what had happened. I said if him or his wife turn up at the door just close it on them and don't get into anything more until you've calmed down but congratulated him on not following his instinct to pretty much belt him one.

I then told him about an incident two weeks before where this same neighbour had made a comment on the size of her backside (she didn't hear properly what he said) It was debatable if it was meant as a joke or leer or what was actually said and there was another neighbour with him and didn't say anything simply looked away. I said to dd not to worry, the neighbours always drunk, he maybe mixed up words or something - essentially gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now that I am back, aibu to have expected the neighbour or his wife at least to have come over with an apology or someone to have apologised to hubby before now. I don't even know if the wife knows and maybe he's got off Scott free.

Or has hubby made his point and that should be it?

It's a very awkward situation because the neighbour is out of order absolutely imho.

I'm asking myself if an apology will only serves to make me feel better about not getting to say something at the time.

We've assured dd that he's out of order and not all men like that etc etc and explained that while t doesn't make it right he's always drunk and drunk people say and do things they shouldn't and told dd to avoid him, never be in his house again (she is friends with their 15yo ds).

He's not done anything illegal that I know of but I'm left feeling terrible that my dd is feeling awkward about walking up the street now and feeling self conscious.

Has anyone been in this position, wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scotmumof2girls · 26/07/2016 12:42

Thank you all for your feedback. I think I'm going to nip over and re enforce what hubby said, that it's wrong and not appreciated and were aware it's been twice now and a third will be the police involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scotmumof2girls · 26/07/2016 12:44

In my self obsessed state I hadn't considered if others had had the same and kept quiet etc. He and his wife and the couple in the street who organise street parties etc etc so no one really says anything to them.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/07/2016 12:47

Sorry I assumed he was, due to your DD begging him not to start a fight.

Either way, the guy's a creepy dick and I would call the police if he harasses her again.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 26/07/2016 12:50

I think that's a good idea Scot. Way a filthy bastard

Dontyoulovecalpol · 26/07/2016 12:50

*what a filthy bastard

peggyundercrackers · 26/07/2016 12:53

tell her to give him a swift hard kick in the bollocks, if hes had a few it wouldn't be too hard. he will back off...

FuzzyOwl · 26/07/2016 12:56

I would log it with the police now. There have been two instances that you are aware of. He might have said something else that you didn't hear, or that your daughter hasn't repeated.

Original poster
Scotmumof2girls · 26/07/2016 12:56

That one made me smile lol

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 26/07/2016 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathStare · 26/07/2016 13:01

a third will be the police involved.

Please please please do not wait for a third before involving the police.

He has already sexually harassed a child twice. After being warned off it is not going to be your child he harasses. It will be someone else's and you will never know.

What if the third offence isn't verbal? What if it's physical? If someone sexually assaulted your DD and you later found out he had form for this behaviour but the other parents hadn't bothered reporting it, would you ever be able to forgive them.

We all duty to protect children from abuse, not just our own children. Child protection serious case reviews are full of incidents like this where a perpetrator has been warned off by someone who never bothered reporting it. The perpetrator doesn't stop when warned off. They just pick more vulnerable victims with nobody to look out for them.

Reporting allows the police to be aware of what is going on. It allows them to protect children from abuse. Particularly the most vulnerable children who don't have people the ability to speak up or people to protect them.

It is your moral duty and responsibility to report this now, not to wait for a third incident.

user1469381254 · 26/07/2016 13:06

Defo report to police now. If he does say something for a third time and your DH does hit him, you could face the neighbour denying it all and DH arrested for GBH.

GoblinLittleOwl · 26/07/2016 13:10

Very coarse and crude, but you won't get an apology.
Your husband dealt with the situation appropriately; treat it with the contempt it deserves and suspend all contact with this man.

StarryIllusion · 01/08/2016 23:10

Tbf the dh doesn't have to be prone to violence to want to deck the middle aged man perving over his 15 year old child. That would likely drive any father to violence whether they usually have a quick temper or not. He handled it well. I know my dad would have had him by the throat and given him a kicking had it been me at 15 and he isn't particularly aggressive. That's his little girl ffs, give him a break, no jury would convict him.

Op you ought to make it clear that any further inappropriate comments or behaviour will result in police involvement. He can't be allowed to get away with it.

proudnewMNaddict · 01/08/2016 23:12

My DH would have beat the living shit out of the dirty bastard Angry

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 01/08/2016 23:45

Agree with death stare
Report him you would be beside yourself if he took it further next time - also what message is it sending to your daughter it's ok to put up and shut up- it's not she is free to walk home without being harassed on the street

ZenMom · 02/08/2016 02:32

Dd doesn't want to contact police and we've left it at it is for now. She's very adamant but she knows we can and as he said it in front of a witness the two party law on Scotland would be fine. I'm going to respect her wishes.

The mans wife gave dh a dirty look tonight while he was out cutting the grass so she clearly knows otherwise that would be very out of character of her. I find it odd that this would be her reaction. I don't know what I expect but not animosity to us.

It's bad enough what he said and how he made her feel but for him not to say sorry and for his wife to take attitude with us makes my blood boil even more. Maybe it's me that will end up committing violence.

I'm trying to imagine what dh or me would do in the same situation but tbh what's happened is so alien to me I'm struggling to do so.

Just left feeling like I want to do more and feeling a bit impotent for want of a better word.

2kids2dogsnosense · 02/08/2016 10:14

Just seen this thread - this is a verbal sexual assault on a minor. Log it, and anything else he says or does which is inappropriate. And go to the police. This is not right, it is offensive and demeaning, it could make your daughter sensitive about her appearance, and could end your DH in jail if he loses his rag (well done, him, for holding back from physical violence - my DH would have been the same if someone had said that to our DD).

As others have said - the alcoholism is HIS problem - he doesn't have to make it yours and why should your child have to tolerate this?

2kids2dogsnosense · 02/08/2016 10:19

OP - have you switched username (Scotmum to Zenmum) or have I missed something?

Anyhow - if his wife is giving dirty looks it may be that he has told her that your daughter is coming on to him Go to the police and nip anything like that (if that is what it is) in the bud NOW!

tiggerkid · 02/08/2016 10:23

Not only is this wholly inappropriate but frankly worrying! A grown man commenting on a young girl's body is not just harrassment. He's obviously looked well enough to comment. The bigger question here is WHY would you look at an underage kid in that way and comment. Expecting nothing more than a simple apology definitely shows more patience than I would have had given the fact that he's done it more than once. Maybe I am mad, but to be honest, I would report those comments to police because you don't know if he is a paedophile!

Cinnabunbun · 02/08/2016 10:41

This man has sexually harassed your daughter twice. This is absolutely not acceptable, drunk or otherwise. I wouldn't be running to the police but I'd want it logged somehow. Maybe by writing him a short, formal letter along the lines of "you have made sexually inappropriate comments to a minor on the following occasions (date1&2)... Any further instances will be reported to the police for full investigation (you effing pr*ck)

Maybe at the same time your daughter needs support in how she deals with it. I hate that young women grow up in a society where sexual harassment on the streets is so common place.

ZenMom · 02/08/2016 10:43

2kids yes that's me :) not being too familiar with this I mistakenly assumed that changing your name would then change all / any previous posts to the new name, I was wrong lol

Dd has begged me to not call the police. I know all the whys and wherefores about why we should but try explaining that to a 15 year old about to do a year of high school with his 15yo son.

Tigger I can't comprehend it either, thankfully my brain doesn't work like his.

Cinnabunbun · 02/08/2016 10:44

I meant to say, maybe Google the "you ok sis?" stuff online as a way of talking to your DD about it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 02/08/2016 11:00

Despite what PPs have said yet again, you can't just log things with the police - you either make a report or you don't.

This comes up time and again on MN.

Have only mentioned this in case you were under the impression you could log it with them and nothing would come of it, iyswim.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 02/08/2016 11:02

And well done for your DD for telling you about it. I was raped at 15 and haven't told my parents about it, over 30 years later. You obviously have a strong relationship with her.

ZenMom · 02/08/2016 11:35

Livia no I'm aware that something needs to be reported otherwise we could just go round logging things about people. That's just common sense I think. I'm sure when people here have referred to logging they mean reporting an offence.

It's the fact that the police would visit then interview dd then interview him and the whole process that goes with it that means dd wants to just move on.

There's two party corroboration here in Scotland. People can't be charged unless there's a witness or others things like cctv etc. So in this case there was a witness both times, so we know we could report him as long as the witnesses were willing to give statements.

But dd just acknowledges that he's a weirdo in her words, that it's not her. And she just wants to move on. No persuading from me is going to change her mind. Me, I don't give two frigs what happens to him or what his wife thinks or what any of their friends think, I'd get the police on him if the choice were mine.

I dread to think what some women go through if this is the dilemma she's faced with.

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