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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry I won't love DC2 as much as I love DD1?

31 replies

PinkyofPie · 25/07/2016 12:05

I'm currently 4 months pregnant with DC2. I have a 3yo DD. After a bit of birth trauma we had a bit of a shaky start. Looking back I suspect I had very mild undiagnosed PND. I was very indifferent to DD for a long time and didn't enjoy being a mum til she was maybe about 2. I have learnt a lot of lessons and overcome a few demons too.

Anyhow, she has just turned 3 and what a difference in our relationship - I love her so much I could tear down the moon and give it to her if she wanted. She makes me so elated and proud every day, I adore every part of her. I'm probably very lucky as she is a 'good' child for the most part and we have very little hassle with her. She is kind and funny and smart and just a pure joy to be around. I'm sure everyone feels like this about their kids but I never ever thought I'd feel this way.

Now in pregnant I keep thinking "how will I love this baby like I love DD". Aside from worries about having a repeat experience with this one, I just don't see how they could measure up to her - I'm v worried that I won't see them in the same way I see her, and that this will show.

Is this normal? I don't have many friends who have more than 1 to turn to, and even so I have never even told DH about my feelings about DD in the early days and my internal struggles, they're words I darent utter out loud. It's not that he's not supportive, it's that I'm scared to have that conversation myself, especially when I've moved on so greatly, I don't like taking over old ground

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyofPie · 25/07/2016 12:06

*raking!

OP posts:

MrsFarm · 25/07/2016 12:09

Thats totally normal. I cried for my DS1 alot during my pregnancy with DD2 - especially when I had to stay in hospital for a few days before DD2 was born. I felt so cruel - I didn't want him to think that I wasn't happy with him and wanted another DS.

Of course I was bring crazy. I love my 2 DS with all my heart. They are the best things to happen to me. While they drive me bat crazy most days - I wouldn't have it any other way.

you'll see.....

GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/07/2016 12:10

IME it's normal. At least it was for me and my mum. And it turns out that it was a baseless fear.
I think it's such a surprise to have that much love in you that you can't quite believe it can happen twice, three times, four etc. You can :)

HereIAm20 · 25/07/2016 12:11

You will x

hidingwithwine · 25/07/2016 12:13

This marred my entire second pregnancy. How on Earth could I love dc2 as much as I loved dc1? Then she was born and I didn't have to think about it. The miracle of ever increasing love .

I enjoyed my 3rd pregnancy much more

hastheworldgonemad · 25/07/2016 12:15

That was me too op.

That all consuming mother love didn't hit me either with dc 1. I obviously looked after him but found it all so hard and different.

By dc 2 it was easier and with 3 and 4 instant love.

Dc 1 is 26 now and I adore him as all the others but still feel a bit guilty.

Think this isn't talked about enough actually and so your thread is good.

The fact you posted it shows what a great mum you are

Believeitornot · 25/07/2016 12:16

You don't have a limited amount of love which is shared between each DC.
You just love them. And when you have another you love them too.

I have two and my love for them both is the same (ie both a very primal love) but I love them for different reasons as they're different.

I didn't have this worry when I was pregnant with my second - I was more worried about how I'd cope with two! You'll have times when it is tough and other times when it's fabulous!

humblesims · 25/07/2016 12:21

yes everyone feels like this and the others are right. your will love them both infinitely.

Chelsea26 · 25/07/2016 12:21

It really is amazing! I worried in secret all through my second pregnancy "I just don't understand how I will be able to love him like I love DS1"
He was born and they handed him to me and it was "oh just like that!"
I actually physically felt my love grow - it'll happen to you don't worry!

Hadenoughoftumble · 25/07/2016 12:21

Sorry I can't offer any advice but you've written down everything I fear! I didn't have pnd but my dd had a tough start to life and will always have serious health problems (although you wouldn't know it to look at her!). I live in fear everyday of losing her.
She is now 2.5 and I'm pregnant with a ds. Before having children I worried that I wouldn't love or connect with any that I had but I needn't have worried! My dd is lovely, chatty, funny & affectionate. I am now extremely worried that I won't love ds as much and it plays on my mind every day. What if he is really disruptive and aggressive and makes daily life a struggle?

I'm really interested to see people's experiences.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/07/2016 12:21

I remember telling dc1 that the bump was part baby and part extra love. She was worried about having to share me so I told her the baby brings a load of new love with it.

Voddy4 · 25/07/2016 12:22

It's so normal. But you will. And it won't take any of the love away from your first child it's like you just find more love from somewhere for the second!

DarthMother · 25/07/2016 12:22

I felt the same when I was pregnant with my second, I felt that I loved my first child so very much, how could anything match that love. My Mother told me not to worry, that the love you have grows with each child so that there's more than enough without "taking" any love away from the first child.

DarthMother · 25/07/2016 12:23

Sorry, should have said - she was right!

Dakota1 · 25/07/2016 12:27

I don't think you need to worry about anything. I agree in that you will love your second child just as much as you love your first one. It is what a mother does and it comes naturally.

feetheart · 25/07/2016 12:38

I had huge doubts when pregnant with DC2. Someone told me that the love you have for a baby is like a chocolate cake and with each baby you get another chocolate cake. It is COMPLETELY TRUE :o

StillMedusa · 25/07/2016 12:46

It's the gift that keeps on giving!
I was just the same, and due to mild PND I DIDN'T bond instantly with no 2... which made me feel even guiltier.. In my head I had deprived my precious first born of my time and attention for a little stranger I wasn't even that keen on !!

But of course a few months along and I just looked at him and POW.. there was the love.

Then I had a 3rd and a 4th and I think if I had 20 there would have been love for all and more.

Do NOT worry :)

Tallulahoola · 25/07/2016 13:03

I could have written this post. Also had birth trauma, took me a long time to enjoy being a mum to DD, but now she is 3 and a lovely little girl. The feeling you have now might get worse at the end of your pregnancy - I spent nights sobbing with guilt that DD had no idea her world was going to implode and that she'd hate to share me - but they will turn out to be completely unfounded. You will have plenty of love for two, and because they are completely different, so a tiny baby as opposed to a fully functioning little person, you don't feel as if you are comparing them or that they're somehow in competition for your affection. You just love them both. I found having DS a much easier experience so was a more relaxed mother and bonded quicker, but that didn't in any way mean I loved him more.

Make sure your DD thinks of the baby as 'hers' as much as yours. As if the two of you (and your DP) are a team who together will look after the new baby, because she's a big girl and he's just a baby who can't do any of the great things she does (whether that's eating ice cream or putting on her own shoes or going to nursery or whatever). I did this with DD and it means so far she has never felt any rivalry with her brother for my affections though this will no doubt change once he starts trying to nick her toys

cookiefiend · 25/07/2016 13:14

I found a picture of me and DD1 the other day, the day before DD2 was born and my face is all puffy and red from crying. I was different from you in that I had a huge rush of love for dd1 a few hours after she was born- and incredible physical feeling. I was terrified I wouldn't love my second as much. When she arrives it was a different feeling (not a 'Rush' of sudden love more a feeling she was a part of me that has always been there). I worried for a while that the fact it felt different at first meant I loved her less, but I truly don't. You will love them both the same, just be prepared for the falling in love part to feel a bit different.

Also- what helps is dd2 was such a gift for dd1 and they adore each other (so far- 8 month in). I wasn't taking away from my child, but giving her something wonderful.

TodayCrosbyToday · 25/07/2016 14:39

Please don't worry OP. I worried about how I was going to share half of my love for DD1 with DD2 - however, when she was born I discovered that the amount of love you have doesn't halve- it doubles! Now if only the same could be said about time and sleep . . .

MrsSparkles · 25/07/2016 15:30

I could have written your post OP. DD2 is now 6 weeks old and I am enjoying it so much more this time round. As they're different ages it's easy to appreciate them in their own ways. Even better is seeing how they are with each other.

Eminado · 25/07/2016 15:36

Thank you for this post (and to all who have replied).

DD2 arrives next week and I keep looking at DD1 and wondering wtf I have done.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 25/07/2016 15:39

I remember this!

I cried during my second pregnancy and felt so guilty, "How can I do this to DS?!" "What have I done?!" "How can I share his love/love DD as much?!"

Then she was born, I looked at her and it was "Oh!! Like that!"

It just ballooned in out of nowhere, and it all belonged to her, and left DSs intact and untouched.

You'll be fine.

Starduke · 25/07/2016 15:42

I think I wrote a similar post when pregnant with DS2.

I fell instantly and head over heels in love with DS1 when he was born. That love then grew and grew everyday. By the time I was pregnant with DS2 I didn't think I'd possibly be able to have the same love for him (yet at any rate) - I thought I'd need the couple of years of knowing him so he'd never catch up IYSWIM.

When DS2 was first born I felt love for him but not head over heels. Then suddenly, a few weeks later, I realised I loved them both as much as each other. DS2 is not at all "2 years behind" in terms of love.

lostoldlogin2 · 25/07/2016 15:43

I am 3 months pregnant with no2 and have been having exactly the same worry. Thank you for posting this...I needed it!

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