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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think being a single parent of 2 won't be massively different to of 1?

55 replies

chaserubbleandskye · 25/07/2016 00:36

DH and I have seperated before. He's a good dad though and he's always provided financially.
Both of us would like another child. Fertility issues involved and time against us.

My DF thinks "it would be best you don't have anymore actually, you don't have enough practical support"

I probably don't. But I cope. Should I deny any chance of another child based on the possibility that I will be a single mum to another?

I think it hurts most as I know I may not be able to have any more, fertility wise it may not happen.

However is it so unreasonable to choose to take that chance? The child would still have a dad even if our relationship didn't survive long term

OP posts:
flide · 25/07/2016 09:50

I'm a single mum of 1 and my DSis is a single mum of 2. Life is definitely harder for her - she has had to say no to taking her DD out to some places as taking her DS isn't practical, and the cost of taking them all out or on holiday is much more expensive. My DS gets far more one to one time with me than her dc have. And just the general juggling of things, having different events/appointments on different days etc.

My parents always helped out with babysitting easily and I could get playdate swaps but it's harder to ask with 2. Means I've been able to get out and date, study, have hobbies etc which she hasn't had much of an opportunity to do. I think from observing my other friends who have been single parents and later met partners that it's much easier to meet and settle down with a new partner if there is only one child, as dating/step parent practicalities get far more complex the more children there are.

Pisssssedofff · 25/07/2016 10:02

In your shoes, I'd have the 2nd child. Life's too short, you'll be happy, both children will be happy growing up together and no it's not any different going from 1 to 2 at all

Pisssssedofff · 25/07/2016 10:04

Oh and I have a ridiculous amount of children, I work full time, studying for a degree and date very good looking, successful intelligent men on a regular basis, not looking for a relationship but if I was the kids wouldn't be the issue

NeedACleverNN · 25/07/2016 10:08

It's really hard.

Your oldest wants to do things your youngest doesn't want to.

When your pregnant you can't just lay around all day and sleep when tired. You have to keep going.

When you are ill, there are two children to feed and take care of and not one.

They both want your attention at the same time. They fight, they run in opposite directions.

It's hard. Some days are harder. I never regret having my second child but I look at my first and sometimes think I should have stopped at one. That's with the full support of my dh in a happy married relationship

BrandNewAndImproved · 25/07/2016 10:13

It's not about you. You're looking at this extremely selfishly. It's about how the potential child will feel having a single mum and a part time dad.

I'm a sp to one and a lp to the other. My dc miss out not having a dad living with them and being part of a one income household.

pleasemothermay1 · 25/07/2016 10:15

Money wise you will be on your arse

When your Es wants to stop helping you he can and no one wil do anything

Please see recent threads

Maintenance

RiverTam · 25/07/2016 10:17

Is 'coping' the best you want for your DC? Plus having the one isn't the end of the world.

Pisssssedofff · 25/07/2016 10:20

Maintence isn't optional and I've lived on income support, you are not on your Arse if you know how to budget, it's not ideal but it's not purgatory either.
Every pregnancy, baby etc is a selfish decision, no child has ever been born for any other reason than the mother wanted it. End of.

DragonMamma · 25/07/2016 10:23

I would agree that a second is more than double the work,especially when they are of school age.

I'm not a SP anymore (hence the second DC!) but find it difficult to juggle working FT with the needs of the children - sports day now spans over a whole day, as do Christmas concerts. My DH works on call so parties at the weekend can be tricky/impossible if the sibling isn't invited etc.

I wouldn't risk having a second if my marriage was rocky, I'm afraid.

LilacInn · 25/07/2016 10:29

Very unfair to deliberately create a child in a dysfunctional situation. It's not about you, it's about the potential human being.

DancingDinosaur · 25/07/2016 11:30

Crikey. Well personally I'd go for it anyway. Two is much harder than one. But you get more than double the joy. Anything could happen anyway, no guarantees of a long term happy relationship for anyone. So if you want another child and sibling close in age to dc, and your dh is happy with that, then I'd go ahead and do it anyway. But you need to do what feels right for you, not what a bunch of people on t'internet think.

RiverTam · 25/07/2016 11:44

No, you need to think what right for the children you bring into the world.

NeedACleverNN · 25/07/2016 11:45

What if you have twins? Or triplets?

Low chance but not impossible

NeedACleverNN · 25/07/2016 11:45

Or a severely disabled child that requires one to one care?

Pisssssedofff · 25/07/2016 11:47

What if you don't !
What if you get hit by a bus 🙄

NeedACleverNN · 25/07/2016 11:49

It's looking at everything at all angles pisssssed

I asked myself the exact same questions with both of my children

Chippednailvarnishing · 25/07/2016 11:50

Babies aren't sellotape that repair broken relationships and being able to "cope" isn't something to aim for it's a prerequisite.

splendide · 25/07/2016 11:51

I like reading these threads, it firmly cements my determination to only have one child.

DancingDinosaur · 25/07/2016 11:51

Grin what if, what if, what if... Life is full of uncertainty thats for sure.

Snowflakes1122 · 25/07/2016 11:52

I really would try to work out these issues you say you and your DH have.
Thinking about it from your DCs POV, it may be unsettling if mum and dad broke up, get back together, have a baby and break up again.
Hope you work things out

DancingDinosaur · 25/07/2016 11:53

Babies aren't sellotape that repair broken relationships and being able to "cope" isn't something to aim for it's a prerequisite.

No you have them because you want them. Both the op and her dh want another child.

CalleighDoodle · 25/07/2016 11:55

If your relationship is already in trouble, the second will end it completely.

Having two is far, far more difficult than one. If you were asking about two to three id say go for it, but one to two is such a huge jump.

Mirandawest · 25/07/2016 11:57

I found going from 1 to 2 was fine - may have helped that my older one was 22 months when the younger one was born so I was pretty much still in the swing of baby and toddler things.

But it is so much easier when there's just one of them - they're 12 and 10 now and the organisation to get both where they need to be and to pay each of them the attention they need is hard work.

NE14T · 25/07/2016 12:02

I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to read all the replies but just wanted to say I had my second DC knowing we were in the process of separating. It hadn't been said by either of us yet but we both knew we weren't going to last I think. In fact I had her at that time because we were splitting imminently as I never wanted children from different fathers- not that there's anything wrong with it, but that was my choice- and I didn't want DC1 to be an only child.

I have never regretted it. It's much harder IMO but it woykd be single or not. Their father is a wonderful dad and we get on very well, he always pays maintenance and is very involved in their day to day lives as well as having them while I work odd hours doing shift work, enabling me to continue with my career. If I'd had any doubt that he would disappear or be a terrible dad had we split I wouldn't have gone ahead but everything's worked out beautifully for us and the DC don't want for a thing.

Tealeaf321 · 25/07/2016 12:10

I got pregnant (still am pregnant) in the knowledge that dp and I may separate (only because it's so common now) and was convinced I'd be ok as a single parent. Turns out dp has been playing away and now I'm actually pregnant I'm too scared to be a single parent so haven't walked away.
Op- you might be willing to do it alone now but when dc2 comes along you may feel different, however if you're truly convinved you'd be able to do it alone if needs be, I'd go for it- nobody said having children especially 2+ would be easy, I'm sure you're aware of that though Smile

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