AIBU?

[Amy214]

I booked dds men b vaccine appointment in a boots pharmacy. Its not local so i have to drive about an hour to get there (which is fine i would prefer it if dd was protected) dd is 2 and is ok with short journeys but she hates long journeys (think she gets bored even with toys etc..) so i asked dm if she could come just to keep dd entertained (so i could focus on getting us there, i don't really know how to get there so will be using sat nav) she normally looks after my brothers children but he agreed to look into alternative childcare or take a day off, he wasn't angry, he understood. I told dm that all day parking is only £4 so we could go out for the day, i'll treat her to some lunch, shopping etc.. I'm really looking forward to it, it'll be nice to get away and go somewhere we haven't been before. But today dm was trying to convince my other db to go with me (but thats the day he has his teenage children and he doesn't see them very often) so i said 'no its fine your coming with me it will be ok' but she looked unhappy about an hour ago i noticed she still seemed unhappy and angry so i asked her if she was ok and she told me to go myself and that i need to learn how to do things by myself. This is the first time i've asked her to come on a long journey and we're going to be on a motorway the whole time and i don't want to suddenly get distracted and have an accident. Any other long journey has been on quiet roads so i have coped because there is normally places to pullover so i can calm dd down. I was quite hurt by this and i thought she was ok with it and that she wanted to come (she wanted to buy new glasses as the other ones have broken, she also looked really excited and df told her to spoil herself) i think my db has been moaning at her today about taking the day off and probably telling her not to go so she can look after the children, she looks after them 7 days a week so she deserves a break (he told me it was fine) what should i do? Talk to dm about the day out or attempt to make the journey on my own? I want her to come so she can have a nice girly day out and treat herself to something nice but i think she's been guilt tripped by db.

I agree with your mum. This is a fairly simple errand that you shouldn't have trouble with. It kind of sounds like you've dressed it up as partly for your DM to get a break (which I agree she deserves) and partly for DD's entertainment when it's actually to support you because you don't believe you should be driving on the motorway. I sympathise but perhaps it's best you make alternative travel arrangements instead. Your DM seems to feel quite put out. I'd also take some extra driving lessons. If you're not confident doing an hour long journey with a child then it'll really benefit you.

Maybe the brother couldn't get the day off or organise alternative childcare? We all know that isn't easy to do!

Her brother and mother have clearly made an arrangement regarding childcare arrangements and many posters here will have similar arrangements. (Although I struggle to believe she looks after two kids 7 days a week)!!

The kids could easily come too if the main issue is childcare and that's what's stopping her mother going. Then everyone is happy.

I find a satnav makes driving on a motorway easier, because I'm not worrying whether I've missed my turning and it lets me know when I'm getting close to it so I can ensure I'm in the right lane.

I must admit two hour-lonf journeya spent entertaining a small child plus spending time in a shopping centre wouldn't be my idea of a fun day out. OP, why can't you get the vaccination done at your GP's surgery?

But regardless of whether you agree with it or not, that's their agreement.

If db told her he was stuck for alternative childcare, she probably felt she had to step up!

I'm not saying your brother is right. But it is what it is. And frankly, this was just another chore for your mum. She picked his chore over yours.

Poor woman.

Do any of you spend time with your mum just to spend time with her?

My dbro is like the op, constant childcare. To the point I won't ask for a favour even if I really need one.

Mum really appreciates it when I ask if she wants to do something with me and the kids, just because I want her there. Not because I need her help.

2 hrs of entertaining a toddler that doesn't like car journeys isn't just meeting up to spend time together though is it?

Edinburgh...???

I suspect the Boots you are off to is just off the bypass, so easy to get to.

Remember, for most of the time on the motorway the SATNAV will be silent, because you are just going on. Look st the map - be aware of what the signs will say (eg Fort Kinnaird, The Gyle or Straiton) so you aren't relying on the SATNAV and hearing what it says - you are also using your eyes.

You can do it.

Nicknacky its only supposed to be 5 days a week but they always ask on the weekend too. So they can tidy the house, go to the gym, cut the grass, go shopping etc.. I could only take one as i only have 2 car seats, my dds and a highback booster for my niece. If we took the bus or train we could take them all, i will talk to dm about that tomorrow.

JudyCoolibar the satnav seems to make me worse especially when it tells me that the turnings coming up and theres one before it iyswim? The gp surgery was charging me more for the vaccinations. Its only going to be a one hour journey if we take the car.

branofthemist yes we spend time together, even if its just a chat and some wine, we went strawberry picking and then to the beach last month and she loved it

Bathsheba not edinburgh, there was appointments there but thats my idea of hell im hoping the trains aren't affected next month when the festivals on as it'll probably be a nightmare to get parked.

As a mother I'd like to think that I could be supportive and help my daughter with two young kids for ONE day! It's not op's fault her mum had brothers kids so much, she's obviously a nervous driver and wouldn't it be nice to help your daughter out, my mum wouldn't dream of telling me to grow up and get on with it if I'd asked for her help. Guess I have a lovely relationship with my mum, op you don't deserve all the nasty comments, your mum should of said no when you asked, from what you say she's let you down when you'd asked her to help, now she's changing her mind and left you stressing out.

Ellieboolou27 i'm going to try and get past it, she was probably just having a bad day. Our relationship is normally lovely so i really think she was stressed out and knew i would be disappointed.

amy214 please don't think that I thought that you wanting your DM to come with you was unreasonable, preferring some support is not at all unreasonable, and especially when you were seizing the chance to give your DM a bit of a treat in return for her support. I think it is really sad that she has defaulted to supporting your DB when he bottled out of finding an alternative solution for the day. I would just be narked at their implication that I couldn't do things on my own, if I was in your shoes, and would want to prove them wrong IYSWIM! But we are all different. I hope you find a solution and your DM has a good break from her constant childminding.

yanbu. mum agreed and is now reneging on the deal. and I agree it is probably to do with your brother.

it is not unreasonable to expect the help to be shared out a bit more equally. one day with something that op finds difficult is not too much to ask, especially as there was something in it for mum too. (lunch)

if you do not like the satnav, plan it out with a map. draw each roundabout showing which exit you need to take. write the number of the junctions you need on the motorway. (do not forget the ones coming back as well as it can look different and it is easy to forget which junction you got on at especially if there is a loud wailing in the back. get a road atlas and local map book for the car. it is a bit easier now as you can look at streetview and google maps and satelite view to see where you are going and do not have to rely on a road atlas alone.

I would have been cross at the injustice of the implication of not doing things on your own when your bloody brother can not look after his kids for one day a week on his own. how old is he? is he the oldest?

good for you doing so much already.

Amy214 that's good, I hope your mum changes her mind and apart from the jabs (and the driving) you all have a good day out, btw I think that having the jab done is a great thing for your dc so all the stress will be worth it

BlackeyedSusan he's 26 and his dp is 25 and they both work full time which i understand is stressful, i just wish they wouldn't ask dm and df for so much. And let us other siblings have some support. Writing out the route is a great idea, i'll stick it somewhere thats easy for me too see and simple enough to understand. Although i'm happy that my parents don't have us all asking for things everyday as i'm sure that would be even worse for them! i think she was taking her frustrations out on me. Db has form for guilt tripping parents and i think she was maybe disappointed in herself for giving into it?

Ellieboolou27 i hope she changes her mind aswell, i'll have a little chat with her tomorrow and tell her she'll be able to spoilr herself (which she deserves) it will be worth it in the end when i know that dd is vaccinated

Is there another route you can take if you are so hesitant about motorways? Even if it takes longer if you feel more comfortable. I think it sounds like a lot of hassle for your DM and I don't think its really needed for someone to accompany DD on a journey as short as an hour. Longer term I would strongly suggest booking a few lessons on motorway driving, this is a fear that doesn't have to alter how you live your life, statistically motorways are one of the safest places to drive (www.racfoundation.org/motoring-faqs/safety#a7) because lets face it, it's a straight line with few turn offs, no pedestrians, bikes etc, and no one driving at right angles to the direction of traffic to cross the road. You're not out of order asking if she wants to come on a day out, but for someone else to have to take a days AL to facilitate that is a bit - why don't you go on a day out on a weekend together.

Well done though for prioritizing DD's health even when logistics are scary. We just had the first of the MenB vaccine's this week - 4 year old screamed the place down, 2 year old crumpled his face, looked at me then got on with his day like it had never happened. Don't forget you need to go back for the second one in 2 months.

I suggested going a route without motorways last night but op obviously missed it as has not answered why she has to go via a motorway

I think it's a shame that your Mom backed out of the day out, whatever the reason isn't really your business.

I do think it would be good for you to get over this anxiety of driving long distances/with your DC in the car because you may need to do it alone in the future.

branofthemist yes we spend time together,

That's good, it just sounded like everyone was just after what your mum could do for them.

Tbh, I think you should chat with your mum about the situation with you brother. I have spoken to my mum about it our situation. Mainly because dbro and sil are pretty horrible to mum while expecting constant childcare.

But not in a 'don't help them so you can help me' way. In a 'mum you clearly aren't happy way and this is making you miserable way. You are knackered and need some time to yourself.'

What a shame your mum changed her mind I don't think you should pressure her to go now though as that is added stress for her.

I am wondering if you could take your brother's dc for a day now and again to give your mum a break? Maybe she will enjoy it enough to tell your brother that he needs to change this ridiculous arrangement. Is she too nice to speak up or does she actually enjoy it?

Have you tried a friend op, someone might be delighted to go with you for a nice day out?

JudyCoolibar the satnav seems to make me worse especially when it tells me that the turnings coming up and theres one before it iyswim?

So you look at the signs, and also the distance till the turning. If there's an imminent turning but the satnav shows you've still got 300 yards to go, that's not the turning you want.

Its only going to be a one hour journey if we take the car

You said it was one hour each way? So two hours' travel (at least) altogether.

i just wish they wouldn't ask dm and df for so much. And let us other siblings have some support.

So you don't want your DB to back off to give your mum a break. You want him to stop using her so you can take up the slot. Your mum is so lucky to have so many people 'helping'.

This wasn't a treat for your mum, if it was there would be no children involved to look after, no unsteady car journey and no vaccination. However you dress it up, this was about you not her.

Why can't your partner help if you truly can't manage an hours journey alone?

I feel for your mother, she needs to start standing up for herself more. Although she hs tried to this time and you told her she was coming anyway.

My son is nearly 2 and being in the car IS entertaining! Bus! Car! Truck! Not being harsh but it's your child and life holds lots of times we wish we had someone around to make things easier but at the end of the day we suck it up and get on with it!

I am a single mum and dds dad is not interested in seeing her, my dm is the only person i can ask for help and support. My friends also have children, my best friends just had a baby so i didn't feel right in asking her. Of course i want my mum to back off so we can spend more time together, is it so wrong to just want to talk to her?
Taylor22 i don't ask my dm for anything including childcare.
Its one hour there, one hour back but we were supposed to be leaving early in the morning to get some shopping, lunch then dds appointment is at 3.30pm, if we were going to be back past dinner then we were going to get something on our way back. But i suppose it doesn't matter anymore as i was wrong to ask her, i've looked into alternative routes and transport and i'm going a different way on my own. And im going to do a trial run before i need to go.