Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only 5 out of 15 invitees coming to DS's party tomorrow - and it's all my fault!

66 replies

Dumpelstiltskin · 23/07/2016 17:44

Feel so sad for him. He has been so looking forward to having his party (6th) at a certain venue this year. We have had 5 acceptances, 5 can't make it and 5 non responses. I have had to pay for the minimum 10 anyway and feel so bad for DS that he will have so few of his classmates there.

I would have invited the whole bloody class if I'd known so few would turn up!

I feel so guilty because I find chat at the school gate very difficult and I wonder if that's why so few parents are bringing their DC. I don't talk to anyone as such, although always smile and say hi to anyone who acknowledges me but few do.

I suffer from crippling PTSD and OCD and find it so draining making small talk as I worry I will come across as a freak and will spend hours dissecting the convo afterwards in case I have said something out of place, so it's easier to just say nothing at all. Most of the other Mums have got into groups now and I am on the sidelines as usual. There was a group collection for the teacher, that was presented to her yesterday, I was not included in it, knew nothing about it and would have gladly given to it. Gave last year.

I am used to feeling lonely for myself but feel that as the other parents probably think I am up my backside or cold which is how I've been told I come across, that my little DS is being impacted too. He gets on well with everyone at school, his teacher describes him as a ray of sunshine and beautifully behaved so it's not that he is not liked so I assume it's because the other parents don't like me call me paranoid which I am! .

We have no family to celebrate with so his party was his celebration. I have older DC who all had parties and never did so few turn up to theirs but my anxiety was not so bad then and it was easier to talk to other parents while DC were lining there. At DS's school parents drop at gate.

Feel so shit and don't know how to change things for him.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/07/2016 18:20

Do a quick email / text to any of the "yes"es that you think might have siblings -

"Am I right in thinking that Fred has an older brother. Just to say that we've had a couple of last minute drop outs so there is a place going spare if he wants to come along."

Parents will love you! (It is usually about the night before that I start wondering what to do with ds while Dd is at a party!)

Floralnomad · 23/07/2016 18:20

I would say it's definitely down to the time of year , next year have the party before school breaks up ,even if it's a couple of weeks pre the actual birthday .

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/07/2016 18:20

We had one year when only 3 I think turned up for a bowling party. We still had a good time and the bowling place were great about it too as they possibly did feel a bit sorry for us.
I've no idea what I did wrong that year as normally we have quite a good number - possibly was late getting invitations out.
Anyway just be glad about the friends who do turn up and enjoy yourselves, 5+1 + maybe a couple more last minute will be fine!
Happy Birthday to your DS Cake

Mumteedum · 23/07/2016 18:20

This happened to my nephew with august birthday. Turned out lots came who didn't RSVP and couple didn't who did! We're having ds party next week. Think we'll have about 10 but that's not just school friends.

Just try not to worry. They'll have fun anyway even if just 5. I'd have fun with 5 mates no problem Grin

ArsMamatoria · 23/07/2016 18:27

5 is probably the ideal number. We've never invited more than that for DD (6) and she's always had tons of fun. At that age 5 x 6yr olds always feels twice the number anyway.

Hope it goes ok and you don't feel too anxious about it Flowers

grafia123 · 23/07/2016 18:28

For my ds' 6th birthday party there were 7 kids including my ds. It was the best party he has had.

ArsMamatoria · 23/07/2016 18:29

I find school gate chat very difficult too and always avoid parents' socials, so feel your pain there. It's not you. Flowers

ParadiseCity · 23/07/2016 18:32

Agree it's bound to be the date. I'd text/Facebook saying there are some spare spaces and bring siblings x

AndNowItsSeven · 23/07/2016 18:32

It's the summer holidays that's the problem not you. My ds is August born and next year I plan to do a party early July and a family day out on his actually birthday.

AndNowItsSeven · 23/07/2016 18:32
  • actual. Agree five kids is plenty for a six year old.
anyhue · 23/07/2016 18:33

Having that smaller number may work out nicely and the kids might even have more fun

DinosaursRoar · 23/07/2016 18:34

oh agree with texting each of the acceptances saying you've had a couple of drop outs so would they like to bring a sibling. Will both remind them of the party tomorrow, and use up some of the spare places.

Original poster
Dumpelstiltskin · 23/07/2016 18:34

Mumoftwoyoungkids Genius idea about sibs. We know some have older ones that DS's chats to with so have done that. Easier for childcare too! Thanks.

Thank you all for the thought that it may NOT be because of me. Had to stop myself from bawling my eyes out Flowers.

OP posts:
bananafish · 23/07/2016 18:35

I'm sure he'll have a fab time - that sounds like a good number of children to have at a party :)

It's the time of year, honestly, not you. I speak as a mid August birthday baby. I can't remember ever having a party with schoolmates until my teens. Families were either away, or we were away. It just one of those summer born things.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/07/2016 18:37

"I'd have fun with 5 mates no problem"

Aww, what a lovely comment Mumteedum Smile

MaudlinNamechange · 23/07/2016 18:38

Don't worry! 5 guests is great - that will be 6 people including your dc - and 5 haven't replied, so there will at least another 2 or 3. You'll have between 6 and 10 people which I think is perfect.

I have social insecurities too and I got it wrong the other way round - worried so much about it feeling like too few children in the venue that I massively over-invited and it was insane. My own children didn't enjoy it much as it was too hectic for them. I was worried it wasn't even safe at times (although I think that was just me being over anxious). I think your party sounds perfect and just right.

I'm sure it will be a great success and you will feel so happy and relieved. While you are in this mood of joy and confidence, try to think of some ways of opening communication with other parents, if only so that you can chase up no-answers in situations like this. It's taken me a long time to feel at all relaxed with my dcs' friends' parents - and to know how to contact them - and dc1 is going into year 3! It's never too late to make a friendly approach, and if you get a blank stare, honestly honey IT'S NOT YOU IT'S THEM.

Good luck, and don't worry.

xx

GoOnThenYouMightLikeIt · 23/07/2016 18:39

You could top up with siblings or friends of your other DC.

I really wouldn't worry about whether it's because you are in with the mums. I have a group of mums I socialise with. But that makes no difference to what parties DD goes to. If we are available she goes. I'd have thought that would be the case for most families.

The only slight variation is that we have the occasional play date with children because I'm friends with their mum, even if they aren't DD's top pick.

I've just sent out invitations for DD's party and the venue requires confirmation of numbers before we get back to school. I have sent out shed loads of invitations as I know that we might get a low response rate. So far I've been surprised that most of the responses are from parents I've never spoken to.

danTDM · 23/07/2016 18:40

5 is a great number, really it will be perfect.

I'm with you on the hell of arranging these things and the worry. I was so anxious about dd's party this year.

a couple of extras or a sibling are likely to turn up.
Hope it all goes well. (It will!)

LockedOutOfMN · 23/07/2016 18:45

5 is plenty! You can give them all lots of attention and lots of turns at each game which they'll love and have no opportunity to become bored. (Also less expensive for you).

Parties in the school holidays, even at the start or end, are always partly attended. It's not your fault, OP.

If your son wants a really big party in the future, hold the party a couple of weeks early, before the end of term (or in September when school's gone back).

RichardBucket · 23/07/2016 18:47

The parties I remember from my childhood are the ones when it was me and a handful of friends. The whole-class ones are a blur. He will love it!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/07/2016 19:05

It's definitely the time of year. DS birthday is next week, we've moved his party to August but he's had to learn that the holidays mean he doesn't get loads of people. I also bet a couple of the non-responders will turn up. Chin up and have a lovely time!

workplacewoe · 23/07/2016 19:09

Definitely nothing to do with you and how you come across to the other parents.

Many people are heading away this weekend and the non-responders probably have genuinely mislaid / forgotten the invitation amongst all the stuff that gets sent home from school at the end of term.

He'll have a lovely time with 5 friends and will probably benefit more than if he had a larger party as he can interact more with them.

theshyretirer · 23/07/2016 19:14

my birthday is in the middle of the school holidays and when I was a kid I never had a big party as lots of my friends were away. My best friend and I (birthdays on the same day) agreed that it was just luck to have a birthday in the middle of the school holidays, so I never took it personally; I wasn't really bothered as long as my best friend was there.

40 years later it's still a bugger getting everyone out to the pub!

hope you feel better OP and hope your boy has a lovely time Smile

HereIAm20 · 23/07/2016 19:16

I bet some of the non-responders will turn up too if previous mn threads are anything to go by or even siblings if some invitees.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 23/07/2016 19:18

Oh lovely - it's not you 💐

It's just the time of year - get in first next year! 😁

But honestly, even if only 3 or 4 kids showed up they'd have a great time. As long as it's where he wanted it and there's a friend to share it with it'll all be fine 🎂🍭🎉

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, I hope you can get to a better place. The 'school gates' are bloody awful for the vast majority, you're really not alone. Everyone just copes in different ways.