WWYD re damage to neighbours property

[lalalalyra]

3 boys - 13, 11 & 8 have damaged something belonging to one of my neighbours. It was accidental, but careless (they were playing with a ball where they shouldn't have been).

Two boys were playing with the ball. One was watching, but egging them on so all three equally culpable (well imo - mine was the one sat on the wall).

All three apologised to neighbour and fessed up. It will cost £60ish to replace the item so we (the three parents) had agreed to split it three ways between the boys. Each parent obviously then to decide how to deal with their child themselves.

Parent 1 has now decided that she'll punish her DS, but won't pay (she doesn't like the neighbour - I feel this is completely irrelevant). She says if neighbour has precious things in stupid places (which to be fair it is as neighbour herself says she has broken it with her car at least 4 times this year already) then they'll get damaged and neighbour said, out of earshot of the boys, not to bother replacing it.

Parent 2 has suggested that they and I split the cost 2 ways. I'm torn. It's really unfair on neighbour if they don't get full replacement value, but I'm really reluctant to make DS pay extra when his friend is paying nothing and I don't really want to cover Parent 1's stingyness out of my own pocket, but that feels petty over £10.

WWYD?

Whether you take the money out of your kid's pocket money is nobody's concern but yours.

It's certainly not your neighbour's issue.

Your neighbour should be given the full replacement cost regardless of who it comes from.

We've been round with DS's share. He also took her a card he made this morning to say sorry.

I spoke to her about the other parent deciding not to pay and said if she gets left out of pocket she should let us know. She's absolutely adamant that she won't allow any of the boys to pay more than one third. She's only accepting the money because she knows I'd be offended if she didn't and that I want to teach DS the proper way to do things. She's not surprised the other parent isn't paying.

She was kind to DS, but very firmly told him that he's not to play there or sit on her wall. She told him that if other kids decide to play there then she doesn't expect him to knock on her door or tell on them, but that he should go home and not play there because some kids are happy to get in trouble and he shouldn't join them. I'm hoping that echoes nicely with my message last night and maybe it'll sink in.

Parent2 has also decided not to make her DS pay more. Neighbour feels its important that we don't start carrying the other parent. It's £20 this time, but who knows what next time. She will chase up Parent1 for the cost out of principle. It turns out the reason they don't like each other is due to previous problems with the boy so she's made it very clear to all three boys that if they damage anything of hers again she'll speak to the community police about them. That has really put the wind up my DS and Parent2's 11yo.

Can I just make one thing clear though - I'm not friends with the parent who is not paying up. She's not my friend, we're not pals. We just all happen to live in the same bit (two streets & a grassy bit - me, parent2 and neighbour live in one street and parent1 lives in the other street) and the kids sometimes play together. Parent2 knows her better than I do as their boys go to the same school. My girls are the same age as the lad, but they go to different schools. So she's no more likely to give me the money than she is the neighbour.

Thanks for the advice. It's always good to hear different options. I am trying to get more confident in making a decision and sticking too it, but sometimes it's good to check with people I know won't just agree with me for the sake of agreeing.

I think you, your neighbour and the other parent that are paying are all being very reasonable and handling it well. As for the one not paying what sort of example is she setting her child. The wrong one that's for sure. We have to teach our kids to do the RIGHT thing in life. An example of this is, I have a neighbour next door but one. He is a total knob. He seems to go out off his May to annoy people. My dh lost it with him once when he knocked on our door because the drains were blocked and asked dh if it was me putting loads off San towels down the loo. It wasn't me because I had been pregnant and we had just returned from hospital that morning because I'd suffered an awful miscarriage. Ok maybe bad timing but honestly he's a total idiot. Anyway one day I walked past his house with dd who for some total bizarre reason picked up a stone and threw it in the direction of his car. It missed thankfully. She has certainly not been brought up to think this was ok. When asked what the hell she was playing at she thought it was ok because no one liked him. She was punished accordingly. If it hadn't off missed we would have been knocking on his door and paying for damage x

I'd split the cost 50/50 with the willing parent, tell the unwilling parent (so as to make them understand that they're freeloaders), and move on.

I think that you all, apart from Parent1 have handled this extremely well, with grace and dignity. What a valuable lesson to teach those boys and it perfectly demonstrates to them how to resolve a conflict/issue with maturity.