To wonder if my marriage is on shaky ground

[BoBramble]

DH and I are sharing a home, and that's about it. No intimacy for a long while, not sure I like him anymore. His job is senior management and I've supported him throughout his career for the last 15 years. In that time I've had 2 babies, returned to Uni, retrained and now work full time in a demanding job. My parents pick up the slack with the DC - I frankly couldn't work without the support of my parents. DH doesn't feature much in their lives apart from coaching them for their national tests and even then, it pains me to hear it. He shouts, bullies them, doesn't give them thinking time. I hate it. He's disappointed in this years results and has vowed to coach them even more - that's another thread in itself.

I'm not sure I want this path any more. I see folk around me happy and working as a team and my heart yearns for some contentment.

DH is pretty obsessive about having the perfect home so my DC's childhood has been (I feel) tainted by his nagging and bullying to be tidy. He doesn't get involved in trips and days out and DC's activities but instead stays home and potters. When we get home (like yesterday, tired after a full day out) he shouts at us for walking on his clean floors, naga constantly about the clutter (our house isn't clutter-free by any means but it's fine - work in progress) and despite the DC being wrecked (we walked miles and miles during the day) he insisted that they start a big cleaning process. They're 10 and 7 and were in tears with fatigue.

I made dinner (he never does) and then collapsed as the girls went to bed, only for him to start nagging that the house was tidy until I came
Home. Never mind that I always get up early to tidy up, start the day, do my chores without complaint not the need to advertise what I do. I think I'm never comfortable in my own home, never relaxed.

I'm sorry for the epic - I needed someone to talk to and I may not even return to this thread after this initial offload. I'm just really unhappy and tired of it all.

Today, DC are staying overnight and I made an attempt to book an overnight hotel in the city for a night out but he said no. I then said that we can go for a walk and call for food somewhere but No, he has things to do. He has vanished to the gym. I don't want to split my family up but I'm not sure I can continue for much longer. My friends regularly get quality time with their husbands and I'm ashamed to admit I'm really, really jealous.

It doesn't matter what he says about the house. He doesn't get to decide. You might have to stay in the house together until a financial settlement is reached so I'd get the ball rolling now and then at least you're on the right path. He sounds absolutely fucking hideous.

Bramble it's brilliant that you have such supportive parents that can be half of the battle having the support that you need so your already half way there.

Please don't believe what he's telling you about the house he is wrong!
The CAB are brilliant and they're advice is free,many of them have they're own solicitors working with them as well now and they can give you free sound legal advice
Here's the link for them
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

It's best to give them a ring and make an appointment rather than just turning up otherwise you might have a long wait.
If your not sure what paperwork to take with your(or if they'll need you to take any with you)just ask when you make the appointment they'll be able to tell you.
Jotting down any questions you have on a notebook and taking it with you is a good idea if your worried there's something you might forget.

I've sent many women to the CAB in the past that were in the same or very similar circumstance as you and every single time they really did help.

I agree Citizens Advice are usually very helpful. However they don't all work exactly the same. At mine for example you can't make an appointment. You have to have an initial assessment (either by going to the drop-in session or talking to an adviser on the phone) and then they will give you an appointment if they think you need one. A follow-up appointment isn't always necessary because they can often do it all when they first see/speak to you, that's why they do it that way.

I've been in your situation Bramble with an exH who bullied and scared me and was horrible to our DC.
I went to a good solicitor and fought for what I was entitled to and I got it too - thanks Judge D. Couldn't be happier now - new partner, happy children - just happy happy.
Leave him and don't look back.

We argued again last night before I realised that his tactic is to talk loudly over me and literally drown out my voice. I managed to say that I was tired of his bullying and constant nagging whilst he constantly chooses
to check out of family life. I told him that I've had to watch him bully our DC in his attempt to coach them and despite his efforts, the DC didn't remember anything he 'taught' them and I blame that on his attitude. Instead of listening to what I say and taking it on board, his defence
Is that I'm nasty.

DH then threatened to take retirement early (he would be able to do this financially) and will go for 50:50 custody.

He has toyed with this idea for the last 6 months and I've not really wanted him to - I've been open and said that I'm really concerned that his obsessiveness with house perfection is going to get worse (it will) and all he ever does is smirk and fob me off with promises that food would be ready, shopping done, laundry done etc (he wont). But he is using this idea as his trump card to keep me from breaking away, his idea of control.

I'm not wanting to work on this marriage anymore - I'm way past that point now. At one point, I'm pretty certain that his head was turned by a woman whom he works with (he's text, make random phone calls - one when I was with him and I was like when he seemed coy and excited to be talking to her). I've watched quietly from the sidelines but this seems to have amounted to nothing. Apart from the hurt it would cause DC (this woman is a single Mum) I'm almost wishing he'd go off with her.

AF there's no way I'd want counselling so no danger there. I'm too tired and worn down by our way of life. There's no way he'd agree to it anyway - part of this whole farce is to show a public face and keep up a show.

The 50:50 kills me. Solicitor is booked for Monday afternoon and my stomach is churning.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

You are doing the right thing. Life is too short to be so unhappy...

I think a PP said that the kids would get some say, so maybe even if he pushes for 50 50, he wouldn't get it with their input?

Well done. Get him out. I hate him after reading your posts.

My girls the same ages such lovely time of life upsetting to think of anyone shouting at them.

My DC are so obedient though and I worry that they would go for the 50:50, I really do.

In the rare times that he's done something apart from the coaching maths or English at home, the DC have been star-struck.

He's only ever taken them ONCE to the park. I had to really beg him.

Then the answer is to separate BEFORE he retires.
But seeing that he is actually not that involved with the dcs, I'm not sure he would want to anyway...,

I will eat my hat if he actually retires and goes for custody. It's just another threat, the biggest threat, to keep you in check. Alot of them threaten it.
It's bullshit. Tell him great. Fab idea. I'm seeing a solicitor Monday and will tell her that is your proposal. Watch him back track faster then the speed of light.

I wouldn't tell him you're seeing a solicitor. Let him think he's shouted you down. You don't need to tell him anything - anything he needs to know can go thru solicitors.

My ex really ramped up the verbal abuse once I started divorce proceedings - he was losing the control and he hated it. As soon as I realised that I let my solicitor communicate for me which definitely helped reduce my stress level!

I was so relieved to see you are seeing a solicitor. Make sure you get one who has experience of domestic abuse ( there is NO doubt here, he is abusive).
One step at a time, don't listen to his threats, and read up on the tactics of abusive men. Forewarned is forearmed.
Tell your parents everything, consider moving in with them, whilst you find somewhere else/ get him out of home.
You need to protect your children from him. Even if he has contact with them once you have seperated that contact will be small amounts of time, against a backdrop of a happier relaxed life with you, a loving parent. This will be much healthier than living in a dictatorship.
You CAN do this!

A man who has only once taken them to the park doesn't want 50:50. It's a threat to keep you in line.

It's emotional abuse so report it to the police.

I agree with everyone, a man who has been to the park once in 10 years isn't going to go for or get or use 50% of the children's living arrangements. Even if he went for it, he'd soon go off it. He wants you to do all the domestic stuff, all the entertaining, all the parenting, with him stepping in to bully the kids about tests.

You absolutely should leave and make their home a safe haven. Then if they have to encounter nasty shouty Dad, it will be from that position of having a calmer nicer life. At the moment, what they experience is, sorry to be blunt, totally unacceptable.

I meant you should leave him, not you should leave the house!

All the advice you have received is good- this definitely sounds emotionally abusive, so get advice from Women's Aid and get a solicitor to tell you where you stand legally.

I don't think you can do this quick enough, it sounds like now you have started rocking the boat, you will be extremely determined, so good luck with it all.

sounds foul but every journey starts with a single step and you sound like you've made a giant leap forward.

Do not let him wear you down, he will try everything to deter you from going your own way.

His pension - well some of that could potentially belong to you

At least 50% of the house is yours too, he will also have to pay you maintenance for the children.

It was so cruel making the kids tidy up when they were tired from walking all day.

Don't let this man tell you you cannot cope with work/home and children, he is trying to hurt you.

It is he who cannot cope with those things which is why the responsibility lies with you.

Please do not let him convince you to stay, when he realises you are serious he may well change tact and be all nice to you - that won't last.

Well done for getting yourself back to uni, you've got your own income and I understand people wanting to keep the family together but that should only be done when it's in everyone's best interests, but here, it's only your husband who is benefiting from the set up - no one else is, keep posting and stay strong

If he takes retirement before the court case, and the OP is working full time in a demanding job, yes he may get 50/50, and possibly the house and maintenance too.

I'm afraid I wouldn't eat my hat if he went for that - emotionally abusive and controlling men often want the children, if only to punish their ex. Plus of course there's the financial issue.

You need to see a good solicitor in family law (Women's Aid have lists I believe) and go through the possibles. In particular what happens if he retires before the court case.

In the meantime, stop inviting him out anywhere, spend as much time with your DPs and positive influences as possible.

How awful.

Sounds like you have made up your mind. I would rise above it all and stay calm. Don't get into arguments about it all. Just say you have made up your mind that it is time to move on. If he talks about retiring and wanting 50/50 custody then just nod and say he needs to do whatever he wants to do. If he's successful at work and very engaged then this could be the biggest mistake of his life but it might do him good to feel a bit lost and alone. People underestimate the amount of structure work gives them.

Have honest conversations with your daughters that they have a choice and do not need to spend 50% of their time with their Dad if they don't want to.

Life is short. Don't waste time.

Leave that bastard. Don't think of money or convenience- think of your children and happiness. Just make a plan before you go, get your ducks in a row , support ready from parents and ensure you have some money. Then go!