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Original poster

To wonder if my marriage is on shaky ground

73 replies

BoBramble · 22/07/2016 08:50

DH and I are sharing a home, and that's about it. No intimacy for a long while, not sure I like him anymore. His job is senior management and I've supported him throughout his career for the last 15 years. In that time I've had 2 babies, returned to Uni, retrained and now work full time in a demanding job. My parents pick up the slack with the DC - I frankly couldn't work without the support of my parents. DH doesn't feature much in their lives apart from coaching them for their national tests and even then, it pains me to hear it. He shouts, bullies them, doesn't give them thinking time. I hate it. He's disappointed in this years results and has vowed to coach them even more - that's another thread in itself. Sad

I'm not sure I want this path any more. I see folk around me happy and working as a team and my heart yearns for some contentment.

DH is pretty obsessive about having the perfect home so my DC's childhood has been (I feel) tainted by his nagging and bullying to be tidy. He doesn't get involved in trips and days out and DC's activities but instead stays home and potters. When we get home (like yesterday, tired after a full day out) he shouts at us for walking on his clean floors, naga constantly about the clutter (our house isn't clutter-free by any means but it's fine - work in progress) and despite the DC being wrecked (we walked miles and miles during the day) he insisted that they start a big cleaning process. They're 10 and 7 and were in tears with fatigue.

I made dinner (he never does) and then collapsed as the girls went to bed, only for him to start nagging that the house was tidy until I came
Home. Never mind that I always get up early to tidy up, start the day, do my chores without complaint not the need to advertise what I do. I think I'm never comfortable in my own home, never relaxed.

I'm sorry for the epic - I needed someone to talk to and I may not even return to this thread after this initial offload. I'm just really unhappy and tired of it all.

Today, DC are staying overnight and I made an attempt to book an overnight hotel in the city for a night out but he said no. I then said that we can go for a walk and call for food somewhere but No, he has things to do. He has vanished to the gym. I don't want to split my family up but I'm not sure I can continue for much longer. My friends regularly get quality time with their husbands and I'm ashamed to admit I'm really, really jealous. Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/07/2016 10:33

Please do not do joint counselling with this man. He will use the sessions (if he even agrees to attend) as another avenue to bully you.

george1020 · 22/07/2016 10:51

Tbh it sounds like your children would be much happier if you did split up the 'family' I use that term loosely!

He sounds awful and I can only imagine how crap it is for you!
We are all a long time dead it's not worth ruining your life for this man.

GloriousGusset · 22/07/2016 10:53

Oh OP it sounds like such an unhappy existence. What a miserable excuse for a human he must be. Thank God you took that opportunity to go back to university and retrain. A happy life free of this man can be yours.

MaQueen · 22/07/2016 10:53

You might have had a wedding, but I'm afraid you didn't go on to have marriage. A lot of people make this mistake...assuming because they had a wedding, they are now married. Far from it...

If you leave your DH you are leaving nothing but will be going toward everything.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 22/07/2016 12:01

Get out & get your children out. Now. This is NO way for any of you to live.

He won't get/want/enable that much contact time with them & whatever he gets will be less damaging than living with him. You can have a dictator free, loving, relaxed, comfortable home with them and for them to come home to. His impact on them will be FAR less than it is now, even if you aren't there for 'coaching time'.

I also wouldn't make them go if they don't want to, if he says he'll 'take you to court' let him, the children are old enough that the court would listen, but it might not get that far because they will be far more in control of the relationship with their father because at their ages they can pretty much choose not to go or dictate to him that they'll only go 'if no coaching' or whatever. Just be sure they know they can be totally honest with you about the situation.

Whatever is keeping you there - don't let it. You can leave & you really, really, should.

When we say leave, it doesn't actually have to be you & the children who physically leave. I'd make HIM move out of the family home. One way or another.

acasualobserver · 22/07/2016 13:35

I'm standing up to him more and more and he hates it

Keep working on this. Perhaps he will call it a day before you have to. Ultimately, though, I think you will have to separate - he doesn't sound salvageable to me.

TheRealMrsClarkson · 22/07/2016 13:41

I think you are married to my ex boyfriend, perhaps they were made from the same mold.
When the scales fall from your eyes & you see him for what he is, there is no way back, it's just a matter of time till you leave. Start planning your escape. You dont need to do it quickly. First it's about making the decision.

ElspethFlashman · 22/07/2016 13:44

What you describe actually makes me angry.

Cos it sounds like you are basically allowing your children to be horribly bullied.

On a constant basis.

At least of you left they would have a safe space and considerable time to relax. Instead you are condemning them to 365 days a year of stress. And worse, you are saying you are protecting them this way?

I doubt they'll thank you for it once they're grown.

DerelictMyBalls · 22/07/2016 13:46

You poor woman, OP, that sounds like an unbearable way to live.

I hope you manage to find the strength to leave him.

Jamiesmuddyknees · 22/07/2016 14:02

Op it must be pretty terrifying the thought of waking away if it's keeping you in this situation. I wonder if that is because he controls things so much? One of the above posters is spot on, it's not about leaving now it's about seeing this objectively and starting to make the decision to leave. The rest will follow in your own time.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 22/07/2016 14:25

I was married to a much lazier version of your H. Best thing I ever did was to leave him. My kids were straight away much happier and we were all more relaxed. We got a dog the following week. They have kept up intermittent contact with their dad.

I am still not really ready to meet someone else though (8 years later) as he drained me.

Garbadgeman · 22/07/2016 14:38

Don't let fear stop you doing what you know you have to do. A short period of upheaval for you and your DC has to be better than living like this indefinitely. As for your worries about contact, PP's are right, your girls will have a say in whether they want to see him, they won't have to be subjected to his bullying if they don't want to. Even if you can't make a definite decision right now at least start getting things in order, get copies of financial paperwork etc, check out your options housing wise, maybe even see a solicitor and prepare the ground so that, when you're ready, it's just a case of giving them the go ahead to start proceedings. We only get one life though OP, don't waste yours being bullied and confined like this and don't waste your DC's precious childhood tiptoeing around his highness, you all deserve better Flowers

Namechanger2015 · 22/07/2016 18:57

Have you got to the stage yet, when you find yourself daydreaming about your DH dying, because that would be a relief, and a non-guilty way for you to have left him?

Omg WhatsGoingOnEh I used to do this all the time!

I have left last year and sometime still can't believe I did it and me and the children are free.

You can do this OP. It's an awful way to live and your children won't thank you for it. Mine were 7,5 and 2 when I left. They still see him but they live with me and the influence I have on their lives is immeasurable compared to his. They are also understanding and seeing the stark difference between our parenting and starting to see that people are all different, with different behaviours, some of which are acceptable and some of which are not good. Your children must not love out their childhoods like this, they will grow up to be very unhappy adults. You can do this Flowers

Original poster
BoBramble · 22/07/2016 19:54

Yes I must admit that I've had similar fleeting thoughts then am consumed with guilt.

DC have been gone to my relative for a few house and we've had an almighty argument. His go-to line is that my DC don't listen to me and all I do is shout etc etc. But when you're on the sidelines of family life, it's easy to criticise.

I've said that we've reached the end of the road and he was scornful. He's critical that I cannot handle my
Job and family life (having a show home) like the women who worldwide him can. I'm assuming that they either have support from their spouses, feel valued and are not taking for a fucking mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoBramble · 22/07/2016 19:55

*work with him

Not worldwide

OP posts:
Original poster
BoBramble · 22/07/2016 19:56

*taken not taking!

God, it's all going pear-shaped.

OP posts:
WhoisLucasHood · 22/07/2016 20:03

This is so sad. Sounds like my parents marriage which finally ended last year. DM has her life back.

NavyandWhite · 22/07/2016 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calminacrisis · 22/07/2016 20:12

It's such a relief to leave a situation like this. My DCs were three, six and 11 when exH finally left. The kids and I were instantly relieved, family dynamics changed, my relationship with the DCs improved. It was the first time we had all been happy and relaxed in our family home. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
BoBramble · 22/07/2016 20:13

I'm lucky - my parents are very supportive and would walk over broken glass for me.

He's already said that he's not leaving the family home. Keeps saying (has done for years) that it's his long before I came along. Never mind that I've been with him for nearly 16 years...

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 22/07/2016 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thomasisintraining · 22/07/2016 20:21

He can say what he wants OP, he is finally going to have to face up to things he cannot control.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/07/2016 20:39

You know how sometimes you have to see a doctor and do exactly what they tell you, even when you don't really feel like completing the course/having the op/seeing the bastard physio? Your solicitor needs to become like that. they will tell you exactly what you should do/not do in order to get the best outcome for your children and yourself. I certainly wouldn't move out unless it becomes a question of safety.

Good luck. You can do this. Think of the enormous strength it has taken to carry on in such a difficult situation, and imagine what that same strength can be used for when he isn't there sucking the life out of you.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/07/2016 20:42

I'm so glad your parents have your back, because he sure as shit doesn't.

You can do this OP, you really can, how much worse could it possibly be?!

MammouthTask · 22/07/2016 20:45

Well as it happens it's also his dcs home and they would come first if yu are getting divorced.

I agree, go and see a sollicitor and start making up plans. At he very least, it will clarify what you can and can't do and it will help you ndecie what is f or the best.

What cannot happen is clearly for things to stay the same ...

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