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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect OH to stand up for me?

63 replies

MilliesMum15 · 22/07/2016 00:40

On Friday I was in A&E with a suspected DVT, they couldn't find anything then sent me home. On Sunday it felt like I had been stabbed in the rib, couldn't breathe well and had to call an ambulance. I was really scared for my life as everyone suspected a pulmonary embolism. I checked into the hospital on Facebook (something that I never normally do) and made a bit of joke like 'should get a frequent visitors pass twice in a weekend). I was really scared and just needed the support from my friends. Anyway the ONLY member of OH's family to ask if I was okay was OH's dad. He rang OH as soon as he saw it to find out if I was alright, I'm not the type to broadcast on FB so he knew it was serious. Anyway the rest of OH's family did not comment, call, text etc, and I know they saw it because they're all extremely quick to 'like' pictures of DD on Facebook. I find it really rude that not one of them asked if I was okay, OH spoke to his mum 6 times today (the first time since Sunday) and she didn't mention anything.

If any of my inlaws were in hospital I would have genuine concern for them and be the first on the phone offering help and checking they're okay. Am I right to be annoyed? I thought it was just courteous to ask after people, especially if they had a potentially fatal thing. Luckily the pain in my leg is sciatica and my lung is connected to the asthma I developed carrying DD.

I asked OH to have a word with his family and just ask why they didn't care enough to ask how I was but he point blank refused which has caused hostility between me and him. I thought I had an okay relationship with his family but obviously not. The problem is we are moving home to be closer to his family in 8 days (I don't have much family) and I don't know if I can keep myself from saying something to one of them or all of them TBH. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am hurt by their actions.

Sorry for rambling, it's late, I'm tired but it's just playing on my mind

OP posts:
blahblahblah2000 · 22/07/2016 00:44

Perhaps the relatives think you if are are able to post a Facebook status you probably weren't that unwell? If it was serious they would be contacted directly?

LaurieFairyCake · 22/07/2016 00:47

With that Facebook comment id have assumed you were fine/joking/talking waffle since Facebook is not the place to post anything serious (or if it is the folk posting videos of kittens don't know this)

Really hope you feel better soon, sounds terrifying

ThatGingerOne · 22/07/2016 00:51

I agree with LaurieFairyCake, it sounds like you're just joking about and there for something minor if you're checking in on Facebook so I wouldn't take it too personally/make a big deal, it'll just make you seem a little self involved Flowers

Feel better soon xx

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN · 22/07/2016 00:54

Maybe your Dp's Father passed on the news, that everything was fine and there was no need to worry or maybe they didn't want to hound you, if you were so unwell.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 22/07/2016 00:56

"I'm not the type to broadcast on FB so he knew it was serious."

I'm sorry you've had a scare like that. But please don't read into it too much. I don't really know what to make of those sorts of posts so I tend not to comment. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking people for support if you need it, or letting them know directly rather than leaving clues on Facebook.

You say you thought you had an OK relationship with them, so you probably do!

MollyTwo · 22/07/2016 00:57

Yabu, you sounded like it wasn't serious enough as you were ok enough to joke about it. Also sounded a bit attention seeking with that check in. Now you want your oh to 'have a word' with them? That's really attention seeking.

RebelRogue · 22/07/2016 01:15

YABU . Posting on fb means you're alive,not unconscious,crying in pain etc . Even more you've posted it in a really jokey way,but they were supposed to know you thought it was smth really serious,that you were terrified and needed support. Well they're not mind readers are they? And someone did ring your oh,asking for updates and probably passing it on to the rest of them. You did get attention,just not as much as you wanted needed.

MadHattersWineParty · 22/07/2016 07:14

Hmmm. Think they read it in a jokey tone that PP said, and anyway you DID get a pretty prompt phone call to ask what was wrong. I'm sure the family now know it was nothing life-threatening after all. I think you just didn't get attention in the way you wanted- with a series of Facebook posts that presumably other people could read and you could update.

FWIW I have been in your shoes with that DID turn out to be a PE. I didn't do anything on Facebook, partly because I had too much going on already to give headspace to who might/might not have commented and providing constant updates online.

Please don't get our OH to 'have a word', I'm sure they do care.

Cosmo111 · 22/07/2016 07:23

You sound like a drama queen to be honest. I cringe when people tag themselves at the hospital or doctors it's extremely attention seeking, is nothing private . If you were having a PE you wouldn't be updating your fab status trust me.

44PumpLane · 22/07/2016 07:27

I'm pregnant and was ambulances to hospital recently with something unrelated and was in total agony. I've never been to hospital before for me, I was at the other end of the country to my family and friends and pretty much alone- it was awful and I needed support- so I messaged DH to keep him in the loop.

Facebook isn't the place for anything serious I'm afraid. When I see posts like that on FB I assume they are purely for attention and do not "feed the beast" so to speak.

My DH circulated the news to the people who needed to know and fed back their concern, people then asked about me when they saw me.

I hope you're ok, but maybe people just assumed it wasn't serious or was an attention thing with you popping it on Facebook. As someone else has said, you could let them know it was quite scary for you, I'm sure this will prompt them to ask you how you are now.

branofthemist · 22/07/2016 07:45

Yabu. And this has nothing to do with your oh standing up for you.

You checked in at hospital with a joke. That's quite attention seeking. And most people would have thought there was nothing to worry about. Your fil called and probably passed on the information. No one is going to text or Facebook you while you are ill in hospital. Especially if it's so serious. They will assume you are in pain, have doctors round you and need leaving alone for a while.

If you are well enough to check in on Facebook and make a joke, you aren't that I'll that people need to panic.

The fact that you are mad about them ignoring 'a potentially fatal condition' when it turned out to be nothing, suggests a love of drama.

wombthereitis · 22/07/2016 07:50

Yes, YABU to post a vaguebook status checking into hospital and then get pissed off when no one takes the bait Hmm

neonrainbow · 22/07/2016 07:56

You're not serious surely?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 22/07/2016 07:56

Yes, YABU to post a vaguebook status checking into hospital and then get pissed off when no one takes the bait

This ^

You just didn't get the attention you wanted from your fb post, there is no 'standing up ' for you to be done.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 22/07/2016 08:01

It can't have been that bad if you managed to post on facebook. I'd not stick up for my DH if he tried to get sympathy online and that sulked when it didn't happen but thankfully he's not the attention seeking type.

You sound hard work.

DropYourSword · 22/07/2016 08:06

If I had seen anyone with that (really irritating) vague-book update I'd assume it was certainly nothing going serious. Serious illness = not being able to update your bloody Facebook account.
I'm also always a little dubious of live birth threads on here because when I was in labour I couldn't have updated for love nor money.
I also don't 'feed the beast' when people write updates like this. If it was actually serious then your DH would be calling them. I have no idea what he's expected to stand up for?! No one has done anything wrong. You just sound like you're having a bit of a sulk because you didn't get enough attention!

junebirthdaygirl · 22/07/2016 08:07

If you are moving to live by inlaws you need to change from all that drama. And please don't try to drag dh into a divisive thing with his family. Living by family you need to let a lot go over your head or the family won't be too excited to have ye so near. Your fil sounds like a nice man so appreciate the good and leave out the rest. I'm sure your dh needs potential problems with his family like he needs a hole in the head.

mouldycheesefan · 22/07/2016 08:13

Drama llama. Rather than post attention seeking FB updates just ask your oh to call them and say you have been unwell but are better now or whatever. When I am ill the last thing I want is attention from other people. Cringing that you checked into FB when in hospital 🙄 I think you will look back in this and be embarrassed.

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2016 08:13

I've had a PE and have been seriously ill in hospital, twice. I still don't understand the point about "being concerned" about someone who is in the right place and doesn't know what's happening yet.

If the person didn't have an OH, then I'd offer to sit with them (during the day), but I'm not a worrier.

What happens, happens.

If there's practical help needed (which there isn't after s PE, unless babysitting is needed), then I'd offer, but if it's family, I'd expect them to ask.

I'll help with recovery, but I don't do 'the sitting around reliving the events'.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/07/2016 08:14

Yabu and PA - I'm not surprised your husband doesn't want to 'have a word' best just draw a veil and forget you ever posted it on fb

AnyFucker · 22/07/2016 08:15

I would refuse too.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 22/07/2016 08:18

If I saw that FB post from any of my family/friends I'd interpret it as:

a) They're fine and probably bored, hence posting the status in the first place; and
b) it's a little attention seeking

If it was close family and they were in hospital with something serious/ potentially serious, a FB post is NOT how I'd expect to hear about it!

OnionKnight · 22/07/2016 08:22

I'd refuse to, what exactly is there to 'have a word' about?

You sound precious.

molyholy · 22/07/2016 08:25

Yabu I'm afraid. Your OH is right not to ask his family why they didn't show enough concern (in your eyes). I'm not on fb for reasons such as your status. I do hope you are feeling better, but best to draw a line under it and move on.

longdiling · 22/07/2016 08:32

Oh dear, I'm cringing for you. You posted an attention seeking status and now you're pissed off you didn't get enough attention. Cringe!