AIBU to expect OH to stand up for me?

[MilliesMum15]

On Friday I was in A&E with a suspected DVT, they couldn't find anything then sent me home. On Sunday it felt like I had been stabbed in the rib, couldn't breathe well and had to call an ambulance. I was really scared for my life as everyone suspected a pulmonary embolism. I checked into the hospital on Facebook (something that I never normally do) and made a bit of joke like 'should get a frequent visitors pass twice in a weekend). I was really scared and just needed the support from my friends. Anyway the ONLY member of OH's family to ask if I was okay was OH's dad. He rang OH as soon as he saw it to find out if I was alright, I'm not the type to broadcast on FB so he knew it was serious. Anyway the rest of OH's family did not comment, call, text etc, and I know they saw it because they're all extremely quick to 'like' pictures of DD on Facebook. I find it really rude that not one of them asked if I was okay, OH spoke to his mum 6 times today (the first time since Sunday) and she didn't mention anything.

If any of my inlaws were in hospital I would have genuine concern for them and be the first on the phone offering help and checking they're okay. Am I right to be annoyed? I thought it was just courteous to ask after people, especially if they had a potentially fatal thing. Luckily the pain in my leg is sciatica and my lung is connected to the asthma I developed carrying DD.

I asked OH to have a word with his family and just ask why they didn't care enough to ask how I was but he point blank refused which has caused hostility between me and him. I thought I had an okay relationship with his family but obviously not. The problem is we are moving home to be closer to his family in 8 days (I don't have much family) and I don't know if I can keep myself from saying something to one of them or all of them TBH. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am hurt by their actions.

Sorry for rambling, it's late, I'm tired but it's just playing on my mind

I think this has got be a reverse or something no way does

'I was scared for my life' and 'so I checked in on Facebook with a joke' go together at all.

When I was hospital, scared I was dying and the doctors came running into my room, I begged mum to not let me die. I can't imagine saying 'pass me my phone I have a hilarious joke to post on Facebook'

It just doesn't make sense.

They did the right thing.
One (!) rang. Obviously hearing it was serious nobody thought you'd be checking on FB. I wouldn't want to be inundated with phone calls or messages if I was in hospital with a serious problem.

And there's no standing up for you. They didn't insult you or attack you.

FB is the work of the bloody devil. I shudder to think how many relationships/friendships have been irreparably damaged by the significance and drama invested in non-issues like this. By people using FB as a barometer of popularity and love. It's really revealed our collective insecurity and immaturity.

OP, sorry, but I share others' slight distaste at your post and the subsequent drama. If you want support and concern, ask for it directly and specifically.

It is true that a lot of people use Facebook as some sort of barometer to see how many people 'care' about them. I'm not sure what response you'd have been looking for with a status like that. It's pretty vague so if be inclined to think it was to whip up a bit of drama, sorry. If you were really having a PE there'd be enough drama without putting cryptic statuses on Facebook, believe me.

YABU, and attention seeking.

If I saw someone "checking in" to hospital I'd assume they were in no immediate danger so wouldn't feel the need to ask.

You're being absolutely ridiculous by actually being annoyed that people aren't rallying around you to ask if you're okay, you sound 12.

"I'm not the type to broadcast on Facebook...."

People don't study other people's Facebook habits at length, I'm afraid. You may think it's obvious how significant it is if you post something in particular or don't post for a while, but the truth is you're one of 500 people humming on any random newsfeed and the signal to noise ratio on Facebook is pretty low. If you have something serious or important to communicate, you simply can't make a lighthearted post on social media and expect everyone to notice how incredibly out of character you believe it to be because they should all be studying your Facebook patterns with such diligence.

To be honest, if I were your family I might even be offended that this was how you chose to communicate something like that. And seeing that post, yes, I'd assume it's not too serious. When I was having emergency surgery, updating fucking Facebook was the last thing on my mind.

The risk of self-deprecation is that people take you at face value.

The risk of self-deprecation is that people take you at face value.

Very wise words.

Thanks guys, you're right to a point. Scared about the big move and just picking at stupid things and getting worked up. This is the first big move I've done alone and just getting cold feet. As for everyone who was saying you shouldn't have made a joke post, I'm just the kind of person who tries to make light of everything. I was in hospital having DD with Pre Eclampsia and I was still trying to make jokes and lighten the mood. Takes all sorts I suppose. I also have an extremely high pain threshold and have been used to hospitals as my sister was a GOSH child so things like that don't really phase me, would take a lot to see me writhing on the floor in agony, literally felt like I'd been stabbed in the lung and I could barely breathe but I was pretty calm and as you all know chilling on Facebook trying to take my mind off everything. Obviously made the post after the main things happened, my breathing was controlled and I was being monitored before being discharged, didn't jump in the ambulance and think fuck the fact I can't breathe there's a really funny Facebook post I have to put up. It turned out to be a severe asthma attack my asthma came back when I was pregnant with DD and had never had a severe one since I was a child. Was hooked up to a nebuliser until it was under control they monitored me and released me. Thank you for giving me a reality check. I'm really insecure about OH's family as they never wanted to meet me (and were quite horrible to me until I got pregnant) as I was 'too young for OH' (9 years met him at 18) FIL has always been lovely tho. Thanks again

Edit: obviously when I got pregnant we called a truce which is why I say I get on okay with them now. However I won't forget how they made me feel for those 4 years before I had DD

Edit 2 :- wasn't 'chilling on Facebook' until I was stabilised either. So basically this is how it happened

• had pain and couldn't breathe

-sister called ambulance

• ambulance came, ecg done, given oxygen, rushed to hospital
• doctors came running, nebuliser, (they couldn't rule out an asthma attack) bloods taken, cannula put in, ecg done etc
• took a while God knows how long but started to stabilise
• taken off nebuliser given oxygen
• started to stabilise, more blood
• waiting for results, taken off oxygen
• then went on Facebook

I wasn't in the back of the ambulance or even unstable when I posted on Facebook

Were you really actually scared for your life after you had been stabilised and taken off of oxygen?

I'd refrain from posting statuses like that on FB. No one can tell you're 'not the sort' to (insert). People are often not that invested to register a person's idiosyncrasies with the exception of those very close to you. Scale back on the drama and life goes a lot easier.

I think your OH is the problem, never mind his family or FB statuses.

I was still trying to make jokes and lighten the mood. Takes all sorts I suppose

This isn't lightening the mood, this attitude is tedious, irritating and attention seeking. It isn't even " self depreciation"; quite the opposite. People get bored with this jokey stuff very very quickly. If you have got for for this sort of behavior then I wouldn't want to contact you if you were ill in hospital, even if I had heard of it through sensible channels.

You sound like you are trying to attract attention by thinking of your self as interesting and entertaining, but you are not, your behaviour is irritating and boring.

It sounds like your OH's family responded politely, and simply pretended not to notice your poor behaviour

I hope that this was not an example of their precious horrible behaviour, because it's not really.
From what you say you posted, they weren't to know the whole story or what happened.
Sincerity is, indeed, better than jokes.

I'm sorry you've been unwell and hope you are feeling better now.

But with the best will in the world you can't tell your DH to call up his family and demand an explanation because they didn't respond to an fb status. That's just not reasonable, especially when you are about to move near them.

You DH's immediate family, his Dad, called straight away. In my family, and I'm sure in lots of others, no one else would bother you but would receive updates passed along as appropriate. If you are seriously ill and your DH is either at your bedside or supporting your children he doesn't need bothered with 20 phone calls.

A few years ago one of my DC was blue lighted to hospital. A friend later complained that she didn't know about the incident as it hadn't been on Facebook. In our shoes she would have been posting from the back of the ambulance. She lives her life on fb and likes lots of visible support, which is fine for her.

We aren't like that, we phoned GPs and that was it. We didn't even contact our siblings directly. Certainly nothing on fb creating lots of unnecessary drama. I would have hated 200 posts asking for updates while I was focussing on my child.

As for wearing "your heart on your sleeve". Diplomacy is an excellent skill and the old saying "discretion is the better part of valour" has always served me well.

YABU, I find these hospital check ins with no really info so attention seeking!

It's very often the scenario of

OP.....Check in at Huddersfield General

Response.....Oh no Hun, what's wrong????

OP.....I"ll PM you

So, the poster will PM anyone who asks, has brought loads of attention on herself and then doesn't want to disclose hats wrong.

If you had checked in, saying was rushed in feared the worst thought I had PE, turns out false alarm all good now (hence my being able to post on FB) and I will be home soon. You may have got some people commenting and wishing you well. But posting a deliberate "I'm giving you a little information" and then I will judge you for not asking after me, is ridiculous! This type of behaviour is also known as "vaguebook' and should be ignored by all!

You certainly sound like you've had a crap time recently, poor thing. Hospitals are no fun. I had serious health problems during most of my 20s and consequently really do empathize!

However, must admit, I'm another person who doesn't really know what's expected of me when I see Facebook check ins to hospital...
-It seems crass to 'like' the check in, but I see lots doing so?
-Should I ask what's happened?
-Wouldn't that be intruding?
-Is person just checking so their great aunt in Timbuktu knows they are still alive?
I appreciate there are obviously underlying issues, but it's quite reasonable to assume that once your OH's father spoke to you, news was passed on. Members of his family were possibly trying to be kind by not pestering someone resting (possibly on strong medication) with inane questions.

Obviously made the post after the main things happened, my breathing was controlled

so by the time you spoke to dps dad your life wasn't in danger.

You didn't try and lighten the mood at all. No one on your FB page knew you were there. Their mood didn't need lightening. Making a joke to your do was lightening the mood.

If you are having problems with Dp and his family, that's one thing. But this is not the thing to make a stand over.

It kind of sounds like you were testing them to see their reaction. That never works and ends in damaged relationships.

You aren't moving alone you are moving with your dp. If it feels like moving alone, maybe you need to reconsider.

I always ignore facebook hospital check ins. I feel like if you're well enough to be on Facebook you're probably just attention seeking.. especially when there's no other detail about your condition so people are left wondering why you're there. There's no need for it really. Tell the people who need to know via text or a phone call.

Yabu. Just been in hospital overnight (first time) and i didnt check fb or even mn as too ill. It didnt cross my mind. I bet oh family thought up you ok if on fb making a joke. I do see occasional fb status from friends saying in hospital but usually just ignore it as feel they too busy coping with the hospital. Dont worry about it. Hope you feeling better x

I always figure that if its serious and I matter then I'd have a phone call, not read about it on FB.

I have to say I would deliberately ignore a status that didn't explain itself. For example if you'd written what you wrote followed with 'luckily just sciatica and exacerbation of asthma, all under control now' people would likely be inclined to comment. To write an attention seeking post and then demand your DH calls round to let people know they were wrong not to supply the attention is a bit silly and I can see why he's refused.