And would also never teach a child that hitting is the answer.
Totally agree with you whatamockery
I can't believe 'hitting back' is seen as an appropriate response and actual advice from a parent to a child. I was horrified to be on the receiving end of this kind of exchange just a few days ago, so it is still very fresh and I am still gobsmacked. Here is what happened:
I was at a friendly, family barbeque at the house of my DS's schoolfriend. Lots of boys and girls aged around 7. It was early evening, parents in the garden and on patio, kids playing in and out of the house on beanbags and inflatables. Lots of rough and tumble play, with piles of little boys having fun. Suddenly a little boy appears near me on the patio, clutching his face and saying '[Hillfarmer's DS name] hit me' and crying. I can't see my DS around. The boy isn't one of DS's classmates, but I'm the nearest grown-up, so I crouch down to the boy to comfort him and check he's ok, put my arm around him and ask him where his mum and dad are so we can get one of them. Just then the dad comes up to see his son and I explain that I think my son has whacked him. Man doesn't address me, but shouts down to his DS 'Hit him back! Hit him back!'. Boy is still crying. I say 'I don't think that is a good idea in the circs.' Dad says 'I'm his dad, I know him, he never hits back.' [in a tone of voice that makes it very clear that This Is A Bad Thing]
Again, I say that's not a good idea because.... and at that point I attempt to tell the Dad some information about my son, which possibly puts my objection to his policy into starker relief. Dad starts to walk away. And the host intervenes to explain further and usher him away from me.
The bit of information that I gave the Dad is that my son has Asperger's Syndrome and is implusive. He is not great at sharing and if someone pushes him over he is likely to hit them back, but more aggressively. He isn't calibrated to work out how hard he has been pushed or whether it was accidental or not. So the chances are my DS whacked this boy for some perceived slight. Or the boy could have started it, we'll never know. The point is, if the hurt boy had escalated it, then my son would have probably escalated it some more. The boy did exactly the right thing in coming to find help from an adult. And instead of sympathising and going about it in a civilised way, his dad piled in with a nice bit of victim-blaming as well as his 'escalation' tactic.
The person at fault wrt the altercation was probably me. Better stick my hand up here before anyone else throws a stone at my parenting. Perhaps I should not have been standing on the patio, chatting to another parent with a glass of wine in my hand. Probably I should have been monitoring my son closely all the time in order to be able to intervene immediately I saw a potential 'situation' with another child. So perhaps that's a given. My son's Asperger's both means that he is more likely to retaliate or throw a fist instead of giving back a toy. It also means he will react disproprotionately if someone hits him. And you can't tell by looking at my DS that he has Asperger's - he 'passes'. I felt mortified that the other little boy was hurting and clearly he doesn't hurt any less because he was hit by a child with high-functioning Autism.
But... it occurred to be that in this situation my son's SEN status had no relevance to this man's stance. Even if my son was neuro-typical (or 'normal' if you prefer), this man, in my earshot was demanding that his son hit my son! I can't see that being right in any circumstances.
Can anyone else imagine that telling your child to hit another child is EVER right?