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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think PIL are a bit dramatic?

70 replies

Blablabla1984 · 21/07/2016 11:00

My husband is the only child and we’ve spent Christmas with my PIL every year since we’ve been married. It used to be just the 4 of us and quite nice because they do the cooking, we bring dessert and they always insist on us staying till New Year’s. Fine, all good. 2 years ago we had a baby and they baby proofed the house so it’s all set up for him too. Great, right?

This year we bought a house and my husband suggested that maybe because we have more space we could host Christmas at our place.

Well…. Didn’t things kick off…. MIL started crying and saying this will be a weird Christmas, FIL says he’ll miss cooking the turkey…. A drama scene really. All I said is that it’s only July and it was just a passing comment from my husband so we’ll see closer to the time.

I quite like the idea of having our first Christmas at home, obviously they’ll be invited too, so I didn’t really think all that was necessary.

Do you think they'll have time to digest this idea and be ok till Dec or will it be a Bah Humbug Christmas?

OP posts:

fabulous01 · 21/07/2016 14:02

I would go abroad! I get same things ( letter one year from mil sister) saying how cruel I was not to go to the house for Christmas. We stuck to what we had planned and following year Tenerife was bliss

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 21/07/2016 14:05

There are stroppy teenagers, a relative with dementia, a racist, alcoholic ex and rubbish food because the relative hates cooking but won't let anyone else do it or help.

So don't go, then. There, that was easy.

Underparmummy · 21/07/2016 14:07

RB68 - I know a family who do Xmas at the local village hall! They swear by it.

ABCAlwaysBeCunting · 21/07/2016 14:09

cuboidal If only it was that easy! DH wants to go...

scaryteacher · 21/07/2016 14:13

ABC nice present to yourself, a hotel or B&B nearby, as the floor isn't good for your back!!!

OP; we had our first married Christmas together in 1986 in our own home. I have never spent Christmas anywhere other than my own home since. If and when ds has his own place and invites us, we'll go, but as dh was serving military, Christmas had to be at home in case he had to go to sea at short notice (as happened one Christmas Eve).

semideponent · 21/07/2016 14:15

Seven words: be kind; don't give an inch.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2016 14:17

YANBU. They might be creatures of habit, but that doesn't mean they get to overshadow and dictate your family life forever just because.

Hold tight to your plan - if FIL is so set on cooking the turkey, tell him he can do it at yours! if MIL wants to bring loads of Christmas pud that no one likes, let her! If they feel the need to have their annual traditional decs up, suggest they maybe bring some with them so it feels more homely. But stick to your guns to have it at yours. Give in this time, and they'll have you over a barrel forever.

And ignore the histrionics - look at it as practice for ignoring toddler tantrums as your baby gets older!

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 21/07/2016 14:29

If only it was that easy! DH wants to go...

That doesn't mean you have to. He can choose who he'd rather see.

t4gnut · 21/07/2016 14:29

Guessing your DH is an only child and they don't so change well.

Sadly, and you can do this gently, you have to set out your ground rules now. The centre of the family has changed - it now revolves around you and your kids and as important and integral a part of that that grandparents are they are now satellites. They've had their time and now its yours. Perhaps you can ask them what they did about Christmas and extended family when they had kids to prompt the thought process or conversation.

However you set the ground rules and you have to do it early on otherwise it festers and you end up stressed every year. My MIL used to have a habit of inviting herself - well it felt like forever but was a week or so. For many years now we've said Christmas day our family is at home - we don't travel. Extended family are invited in numbers we can cope with and for durations we can handle.

Kwirrell · 21/07/2016 15:28

We spent Christmas at PiLs and it was everything on their terms. Fine while the kids were babies but when they were 2 and 4 the day went like this. Huge dinner then keep the kids quiet while all the adults slept. Huge tea, watch Morceambe and Wise. Get to 8.30 and the children are getting tired. MiL asks, quite aggressively what is wrong and I reply, well they have been here all day, they are going to bed in a minutr and have not opened their presents.

To which they say, oh we were going to watch the film and then do it. Bloody 10 o clock at night. Anyway they gave them their presents, and that was the last time we went. Cue massive tantrum because they would not see the kids at Christmas. Point blank refused to stir from their own home.

BluePancakes · 21/07/2016 15:35

You're not alone, if that helps?

Both my parents are divorced, as are DH's, so pre-kids, we'd alternate between the 4 of them where we were for Christmas. Then DD1 came along and we had 2 blissful Christmases at home. Then FIL's mum died, so we spent Christmas at his, and that followed by 3 more years of alternative. Last year we moved house, and spent Christmas at home with 2 kids by now - it was brilliant. However, my dad (who is very traditional and set in his ways) 'only' had himself, his wife and his dad at his house last year and "things weren't the same". I should point out, that we now live in a house big enough to accommodate family, we invited everyone over for Christmas and nobody took us up on the offer. probably why it was a brilliant Christmas...

Anyway, it's now July, and already my dad is talking about Christmas and how he wants everyone (ie me and my sister and our families) at his house. He turns 60 this year and has said that he's not planning anything for his birthday other than spending it at my sister's house because he'd much rather have everyone at his for Christmas. Not only is he overbearingly controlling and manipulative not to mention has the blasted TV volume up so loud it hurts my ears; if I say something I'm "moaning" and if I take myself elsewhere I'm "miserable and unsociable" but we have added complication of FIL's mental health has taken a serious nosedive in recent years, and if he's not hospitalised as he was last year, he'll be alone at Christmas; but apparently because DH has a sibling, that means we can be carefree and spend Christmas at my dad's which you may have gathered I'm not sure I want to do!

And breathe.... Sorry about that.

PersianCatLady · 22/07/2016 13:10

Some people don't like change and can't accept their adult children are well, adults.
That is so true.

daisychicken · 22/07/2016 13:47

I never used to have this problem. MIL, when DH and I got married, said she'd been through this with her mother which caused huge stress and many a long (5hr!) journey on Christmas Eve night (plus guilt that they never saw FILs parents at Christmas - not even once) and that we were to do what we wanted. We were welcome to spend Christmas there but no pressure and in 15 years of marriage, she has been great.

DH and I fell into a very rough routine of 1yr at MILs, 1 at DMs and 1 "for us" and we refuse to make any decisions until well after August. My DM was a little huffy if we didn't spend Christmas there but said 'she understood' and all was ok.... till last year when it was demanded from AUGUST that we should go there. I kept saying "we haven't talked about it yet" but then demands still came. DH and I then, with the kids, talked about what we were doing and we worked out it was MILs "turn" so we spoke to them and decision made. My DM blew up! It was awful! We said we'd go for a couple of days at New Year so we still see them (& we saw them the weekend before (they live a few hours away)!) but even up to Christmas Eve, she was saying we were to go there. Then immediately after Christmas, she started demanding we go up and stay with them for longer at New Year. We couldn't as DH had work and in fact, we had a whole host of issues which meant we really couldn't afford to go but we had to scrape the cash together for fuel and we did go just for the 2 days.

It is DMs "turn" this Christmas and I am dreading it! It's not that we don't have a good time but the hoohaa and the self martyrdom over food (she does way too much, complains about time spent in kitchen (we all help) and then over the food that's leftover... no amount of suggesting that we have something else or don't have a starter or whatever makes any difference!).

I just find it all so stressful over a day! It is just a day, we are not religious so it doesn't have that meaning for us (or my parents! MIL does go to church but FIL and other family members don't). I'm going to make sure I say the same to my 2 son's partners as my MIL said to me and try and cut the stress out!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/07/2016 15:44

My advice - start having the Christmas celebrations they way you want them to continue. start as you mean to go on

If your ILs really want to cook the turkey, let them. You'll do the veg and afters, dinner will be served in your house after the Queen's speech and all will be well. I don't know if you have room, but they could even stay over if you did.

If they kick off again, say that this is for this year and you'll look at the set up for Christmas 2017 once you see how this one goes. Hopefully by that time, they will have forgotten about the new arrangement and you'll be able to have Christmas where you want and how you want.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/07/2016 15:55

We had a 3yr rota (PIL, parents, on our own) and that went on for ages until DD was 5yo when we stopped and have had Christmas at ours since. We wanted to start our own Father Christmas traditions, relax in our own house and keep both children in some sort of familiar routine. Parents/PIL are welcome at ours.

Best thing is to bite the bullet now and start as you want to go on. Children are only little once.

Msqueen33 · 22/07/2016 15:57

Ha my mil started crying and stamping her feet literally as my bil wouldn't go and introduce his new boyfriend when he brought him down to ours at Christmas to an old next door neighbour.

BlueLeopard · 22/07/2016 16:20

Start as you mean to go on.

Hormonally challenged, I tried to split the Christmas with both sets of GPs. It meant lots of driving for me and in icy conditions. Nightmare. So the following year we thought Fuck That, and created our own Christmas at home.

It's amazing. We get to see DS open his presents, I can have a glass of prosecco, I plan the menu so we eat what we like and want, and I cook the meat how I like (uncharred) and I can unzip the trousers or take off my bra or stay in my pj's if I like.

Boxing day / new year is the one we alternate between grandparents on either side.

blueskyinmarch · 22/07/2016 16:21

Gosh some families are so weird. Our Christmas plans change from year to year depending on who is going where and with whom. The only constant is that my mum will make a trifle and bring it wherever she is going. I like trifle so this is a good thing!

Original poster

Blablabla1984 · 22/07/2016 16:26

BlueLeopard sounds fantastic!! My little one will be 2 this year and will be nice to see him get excited tearing the wrapping paper and his reaction to the gifts. And yes to the dinner: would be lovely to do it our way. Piling all the gifts, clothes, well everything but the kitchen sink in the car doesn't really tickle my fancy :D

OP posts:

Underparmummy · 22/07/2016 16:30

DD1s first xmas was up with all the GPs (they live nearby) but after that I had a strop and we have always had it at ours. They are all welcome to come if they want (post father christmas opening - that is mine, mine, mine) but don't very often.

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