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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think PIL are a bit dramatic?

70 replies

Blablabla1984 · 21/07/2016 11:00

My husband is the only child and we’ve spent Christmas with my PIL every year since we’ve been married. It used to be just the 4 of us and quite nice because they do the cooking, we bring dessert and they always insist on us staying till New Year’s. Fine, all good. 2 years ago we had a baby and they baby proofed the house so it’s all set up for him too. Great, right?

This year we bought a house and my husband suggested that maybe because we have more space we could host Christmas at our place.

Well…. Didn’t things kick off…. MIL started crying and saying this will be a weird Christmas, FIL says he’ll miss cooking the turkey…. A drama scene really. All I said is that it’s only July and it was just a passing comment from my husband so we’ll see closer to the time.

I quite like the idea of having our first Christmas at home, obviously they’ll be invited too, so I didn’t really think all that was necessary.

Do you think they'll have time to digest this idea and be ok till Dec or will it be a Bah Humbug Christmas?

OP posts:

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 21/07/2016 11:54

Ahh yeah that's no ones idea of fun travelling for that long on Christmas.

They sound very much like my PIL. They live their lives as if to some sort of timetable. They'll do a Sunday roast when it's 30 degrees and everyone's far too hot to eat it because it's Sunday and that's what you do on Sunday.

Whenever we've had to change things they've not reacted well, only repetition of our plans and turning a blind eye to any fuss has worked to any degree.

nannybeach · 21/07/2016 12:08

Could have written this myself! Every year "sumond to PIL for Christmas, often I had worked a 12 hour night shift, didnt want to go anywhere! Sort of unwiritten law, (11th commandment!) I used to be crying at work by October, getting in such a state, This is do as I say, not as I did! You want Christmas in YOUR house, FIRST one a bit special, they are invited, expect tears and tantrums, make sure Hubby backs you up. My MIL didnt speak to me for 23 months, BUT we should have stuck to our guns, hoping you have the bottle to!!

Mycraneisfixed · 21/07/2016 12:08

Start a new tradition. Christmas at home. We had Christmas at my parents house (150 miles away) till I had my DC. Then at mine till they got married and had their DC. Now we have Christmas lunch with one of the DC. It's always sad when you have to face the fact that your family is growing up and things are changing but she'll get over it.

MatildaTheCat · 21/07/2016 12:10

Stick to your guns and ring the changes. We alter things a bit every year due to certain people getting a bit fixed on routines at Christmas which we just don't want every single year.

Last year we had lunch at home, just the four of us which was bliss and met up with extended family in the evening. It worked really well but golly, you might think we'd proposed a mass slaughter when we said what we were doing.

Happy families

HerOtherHalf · 21/07/2016 12:12

They ABU. Their son has his own family now and they need to accept that and move on. What are you going to do when it is not practical to transport all your kids' presents to their house and back again? They've had a nice run of hosting Christmas at theirs but it can't last forever.

Neither you nor your partner should be allowing your parents to dictate your family's life to you. Put yourselves first and anyone that doesn't like it will just have to lump it.

When our kids were younger, we had a very strict policy of Christmas being in our house for our immediate family only. Other friends or family, whether they came to us or we went to them, were for another day. Now that we're older, and into the grandparent phase, we appreciate that our kids have the right to do Christmas as they think is best for them and their kids. If we get an invite or if any of them want to come to us that's awesome but if not we are not the least bit offended. Even though they've grown up, I still put my kids' happiness ahead of mine and not being an unreasonable old git is vital to that.

dreamingofsun · 21/07/2016 12:15

i would get your husband to give them loads of warning, otherwise you might find they have bought all the food etc. and try and manipulate you into going there, on the basis that you do it each year

ThinkPinkStink · 21/07/2016 12:16

Gosh - you're so much more patient and relaxed than I am!

I haven't spent Christmas with parents (mine or his) for over a decade - they just get so het-up about the big day and it being perfect that it stops being relaxing and fun, and starts to be a big old PITA.

We will have a baby this Christmas (she'll be 9 weeks old) so we're tempted to invite at least one set of parents for the main three days (partly as I think they'd love to be invited, but they could be really helpful). We haven't decided yet - as being a PITA at their own house is one thing, but being a PITA in ours is quite another.

In essence, do what makes you and your DH happy - if they can't see that you guys having a baby shifts the dynamic then they are fools.

Purplebluebird · 21/07/2016 12:30

That's very OTT! I would just state that this year you will have Christmas at your house, and that they are more than welcome to join you. I don't think there's much more you can do really. Their reactions sound very dramatic.

ProfYaffle · 21/07/2016 12:36

Oh God, sounds horrendous op. I'm an only child, live over 3hrs from my parents who can be a bit overbearing but even they haven't kicked off about us not going to them every Christmas.

Stick to your guns.

PersianCatLady · 21/07/2016 12:41

They'll do a Sunday roast when it's 30 degrees and everyone's far too hot to eat it because it's Sunday and that's what you do on Sunday.
I find it so weird that people are so stuck in their ways like that. My mum used to know this lady who never took her kids to the beach on a Monday because that was her cleaning day regardless of how hot it was. I always found it so bizarre that she couldn't just do her cleaning on a different day of the week.

AnecdotalEvidence · 21/07/2016 12:46

Sod that!
Enjoy Christmas in your own home without them.
They're grown-ups, they'll survive. Ignore the wailing.

Underparmummy · 21/07/2016 12:48

God, dramatic. Ignore and continue with your plans for it at your house, invite them and let them get on with whatever they chose to do.

Gottagetmoving · 21/07/2016 12:48

Your PILs don't like or accept change. Now you have your own child they need to accept that things WILL change,
They need to fit in with you now or accept that Xmas could be spent apart.

We stopped going to my parents or my in-laws once we had our first child. e wanted to create a lovely Christmas in our own home. Your in laws are lucky - at least you are happy to invite them!

newyorker74 · 21/07/2016 12:54

my MIL said one year (after we'd spent 5 years in a row with them at Xmas) that she was cancelling Xmas because we wouldn't be there and it was all about family. Her husband and mother (both planning to be there for Xmas) were surprised to say the least...

Shizzlestix · 21/07/2016 12:59

Your PIL are BU. With a new dc, the last thing you want is to be travelling for hours, how ridiculous. I have little sympathy. It may be the end of an ear, but as I just said to some people crying over others leaving tomorrow, new beginnings are fab and a wonderful opportunity to change things up.

GipsyDanger · 21/07/2016 13:02

With my family we alternated between my parents house and my aunts. Then we (the kids) got older, I got with my bf(now dh) and started alternating with his parents and mine, and occasionally at our house whilst driving to each set and visiting my aunt. I've done this for 10 years (and Hogmanay/New Years) This is ds first xmas and I am not going any

GipsyDanger · 21/07/2016 13:04

Posted too soon!
I am not going anywhere. Yes it's sad when traditions get left behind, but as we grow older, these things have to change, I am taking over my parents role, my son mine etc. My mum kind of hinted after this year I'd go back to driving back and forth. I am defiantly not

CoolCarrie · 21/07/2016 13:08

As other posters have said, stick to your guns, don't be emotionally blackmailed, they are very much stuck in their ways, as are my parents. Mine seem to act like every Christmas will be their last. Our problem is that my mil lives in a different country from us!

averylongtimeago · 21/07/2016 13:14

When we first got together, Christmas was with our parents. When we had DC, we stayed at home and they came to us, or to bil' s. Now our DC have DC' s of their own, we go to them. We muck in, provide food and drink, cook, it works for us. I have done a big family Christmas with the dgc when they were small, but tbh it works much better if we go to them.
I hate all this family drama and guilt tripping rubbish, do what is best for you, granny has had her turn at hosting.

RaspberryOverload · 21/07/2016 13:28

OP, YANBU.

I'd be interested to know at what point they decided Xmas was going to be at theirs. When they married? When the first DC arrived? Were they ever expected to travel around to go to their parents?

diddl · 21/07/2016 13:34

" MIL started crying and saying this will be a weird Christmas, FIL says he’ll miss cooking the turkey"

Perfect chance to have said "oh well, you'd better stay at yours then"!

Wolpertinger · 21/07/2016 13:39

Stick to your guns now. We terrified my PILs by saying that we were going to a vegan restaurant with my DM - MIL thought my DH might die on the spot from lack of meat and 2 veg. When I announced actually we ate vegetarian 4 nights a week and no we didn't have a roast on Sundays I thought she might die sadly she didn't.

DH actually likes my food unlike her shrivelled up offerings. Some people don't like change and can't accept their adult children are well, adults.

RB68 · 21/07/2016 13:45

I loathe this, I like to go away at Christmas - cottage rental, but haven't for years - we need to have MIL with us - she is an 86 yr old widow with limited mobility and church visiting requirements. It was too expensive for us to get a cottage for the last few years so its always at ours and always the same - none of my family as its too far etc. My parents have never had a DD Christmas at Christmas, I feel a bit sad about that but felt we couldn't leave MIL out as DH is an only, she has other B&S but they all have own family or have fallen out over the years. We may be able to do cottage this year and I hope near my parents - but food will have to be at ours so cottage has to be a good size to allow for Christmas catering for a large number (I am eldest of 6 and a few of them have own families/partners etc). So what I really need is a village hall with a bedroom on the side - lol

happypoobum · 21/07/2016 13:45

YANBU and they sound utterly ridiculous. Tell them you are staying at home this year, and they have until (x date, maybe 30 Nov) to confirm if they are coming or not.

Definitely you have to make a stand. It's not fun trailing small children all over the place at Christmas. Babies much easier but start as you mean to go on.

ABCAlwaysBeCunting · 21/07/2016 13:56

Oh god, I have an impending Christmas/IL issue too. Having spent it alone then with my DPs, it's now ILs turn. This means sleeping on the floor in his relative's house as the spare beds will be allocated to ILs DCs and Mil. There is always, always, a row between some of the ILs. There are stroppy teenagers, a relative with dementia, a racist, alcoholic ex and rubbish food because the relative hates cooking but won't let anyone else do it or help.

So I offered to have it at ours, but apparently that's not acceptable either because I've said it can be Christmas Day only otherwise it's exhausting and we only have the two days off. Nope, all the relatives have to come for both days and stay all day and all evening. I suggested a restaurant, but no, Mil won't have that.

I dread Christmas, I really do.

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