Funeral or holiday?

[Rainatnight]

This is more of a WWYD. The wife of a very good friend is dying, and will go any minute, most likely. DP and I are due to go on holidays tomorrow, abroad for two weeks.

I really don't know if I should plan to go on holiday late/fly back for the funeral.

I'm really torn. They're very good friends and I feel like I'll regret it if I don't go.

But on the other hand, we've had a tough year in some respects (not as tough as them, obviously), and I feel like I owe it to DP to go on holiday.

Aaagh. Can't decide. What do you think?

(Also, I should say, that this is all taking place in a country where funerals happen very soon after death, so if she does go within the next couple of days, the funeral will definitely be while we're away - not the English scenario of a couple of weeks in the future)

Go on holiday.

The lady is still alive, she may go on for longer than everyone thinks. Also funerals can take a while to organise so you really don't know when it will be.

Try to have a relaxing holiday, you sound like you need it

Go on holiday and don't feel guilty.

Don't come back for a funeral.

Being a good friend is much more important than attending a funeral.

You and your DH need a holiday, go and enjoy it. You can help your friend and family when you return.

We missed my Grandad's funeral because we were going on holiday. He died a few days before we were due to go. My mum, whilst understandably upset at missing it, knew he would not want us to miss our holiday.

My mum got to see him at the funeral home before we went, and left a silver cross and chain in his pocket from us. On the day, we visited a church and lit candles.

A funeral is just one day, what is more important is that you give your support as much as able after, as that's when the impact is really felt.

My uncle passed away last week, his funeral is while I am on holiday. We are not going abroad but it is too far for me to travel to the funeral so I won't be going. I will send flowers and take some time out on the day to say my own goodbye. I would suggest doing your own little send off, maybe a meal and talking about your memories, lighting a candle or similar.

my mum passed away last year. it was 3 days after the nurse said it might happen. And that was 4 months after she very nearly died and then rallied. Not sure what is wrong with your friend, but nature decides when this happens and it can be very unpredictable.

I'm sorry your friend is so sick. I live in a place where funerals happen relatively quickly - usually the 3rd or 4th day unless it's a sudden or unexpected death where there might need to be a routine inquest. While only you can decide, It's accepted/expected that 1) with quick funerals, there is less expectation that everyone will be there 2) it's acceptable for a 'representative' to go in your place 3) bereavement lasts a long time. Your friend's partner will probably be relatively well supported at the actual funeral - you can be there for them when everyone else has moved on. On a practical level, your insurance is unlikely to cover a cancellation or early return for someone who isn't a relative or business partner, you can do something at the actual time of the funeral to be with them 'in spirit'. Plus a holiday might just be important for your own mental/physical/relationship health if you've had a bad year. But...I'm known for being scarily pragmatic at times, do you might want to ignore everything I've said!

Funerals can take a while. We had to wait three weeks between death and funeral. If she isn't dead yet, then go on holiday. It's not definite that either the death or the funeral will happen in the same two weeks. I'm sorry of that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be.

I wouldn't cancel a holiday when someone was still alive. It seems a bit, I don't know, like you are hanging around waiting for them to die.

I knew someone who was given a certain amount of time to live, she went past to the point of them just not knowing anymore because she carried on for so much longer. Even at the end they said X amount of days and it was more. People can go on for longer than you think sometimes.

My own view is that everything you've been to each other over the years, and the support I'm sure you'll give to the husband in future, matters far more than just one day - and a day when he'll be surrounded by others anyway. Far too many make a huge thing about attending funerals and then are nowhere to be seen in the hard times afterwards, when good friends are most needed, and I'm sure he'll treasure this most of all

I like the idea of marking the event in some way of your choice, though; you'll know best what would be appropriate, but whatever you do I'm sure he'll love to hear about it

People can often hang on a lot longer than you'd expect at the very end of life. In a way that often makes it worse because you just want it to be over for them. It's impossible to accurately predict how soon someone will slip away until they're a matter of hours away from the end, in my experience.

Do you feel the friend think 'this would all be so much easier if Rainatnight was here'? I think the answer in most cases would be no. Personally I would go.

Thanks all so much, this has really helped to clarify things for me.

Just to clarify, though, I wasn't thinking of hanging around 'just in case'. I more meant if she went before we set off, or while we were away. (I may have been too addled to express that properly).

There are some really good points here. No, definitely don't think he'll think it would be so much easier if I was there Mackerel and that question really helped me make up my mind. It's going to be a horrible day either way BUT they have lots and lots of friends, so realistically, I'm not going to make any difference.

ilovecherries Sending a 'representative' is a brilliant idea. I hadn't thought of that. I could ask my parents to go. (I suspect we might be talking about the same countries because that's common for us too ).

I'm on holiday now. She's hanging on. I'm in touch with my friend.

Thank you for your help.

Just a quick update to this. My friend's wife died on our third night away on holiday. We couldn't make it home in time for the funeral, but I'd made my peace with that.

My parents went in my place - they agreed instantly and I was so very grateful. Thanks again to ilovecherries for this brilliant idea, which made it bearable for me and really touched my friend.

It's going to be a long, hard road now for my friend. I'll be there for the rest of it.

Thanks, all.

Sorry to hear your friend's wife died, but glad your parents were able to go in your place.

Your friend is very lucky to have you. Remember to look after yourself too!

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your friend is well. I've always felt that funerals are more for the living than the dead. They give us closure. You are supporting your friend anyway, you don't need a funeral to do that. With the greatest respect to the lady, she really doesn't care who was there and who wasn't. Our true friends are there for us in life. Being there just for one day after we die when we haven't seen you in decades is too little too late. You have been there the whole time and will continue to be and that is far more important than a single day.

Thank you, all. I just wish I could make it better for him and their kids, but I can't. It's so incredibly sad.

rain I am so sorry for your, and your friend's loss. My friend's daughter died aged 19 in Feb this year - I am the only person who msgs every night and every morning, without fail. even if I can say nothing remotely helpful, she knows I am there. if you can do something similar for your friend and their children it will help.

Thank you, good idea.

Everybody is around at the funeral....the hard yards comes in the weeks and months to follow. You should go on holiday, say it goodbyes rtf and be there forngkm when you come back. Many people just disappear from view once the trauma is gone but even if the lady is expected to die, and does, they will be in shock at the funeral itself and you'll be able to be of much more use practically and emotionally after the event.

I'm so sorry, just read the update. X

Im all over the place with this one and need some advice on how I could handle it. My cousin unfortunately died in May under circumstances that's currently being investigated, I have a holiday that was booked for me and my wife's 40th birthday and the funeral has been arranged on the week im supposed to be away in July. Im so cut up right now because I want to be there to bury my cousin and pay my respects and I feel real bad but then I have missed 2 family holidays in 6 years because of work and really needed this break to rejuvenate. Its a 7 day holiday and funeral occurs 4 days in. I mentioned this holiday to my uncle when I was down to comfort and mourn but he has been under a lot obviously losing his son. Im thinking of flying back myself and leaving my wife to enjoy the rest of the holiday but I really dont know 😢

Start a new thread as people will reply to the original poster and this is 9yrs old.

But i’d fly back personally if it was a close cousin. That’s just my person opinion, holidays are expensive and important, but so is paying your respects. Funerals help to process loss. My close friend died in March and had a direct cremation, and it’s been so hard with no service.