Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2

AIBU?

Funeral or holiday?

45 replies

Rainatnight · 21/07/2016 07:02

This is more of a WWYD. The wife of a very good friend is dying, and will go any minute, most likely. DP and I are due to go on holidays tomorrow, abroad for two weeks.

I really don't know if I should plan to go on holiday late/fly back for the funeral.

I'm really torn. They're very good friends and I feel like I'll regret it if I don't go.

But on the other hand, we've had a tough year in some respects (not as tough as them, obviously), and I feel like I owe it to DP to go on holiday.

Aaagh. Can't decide. What do you think?

(Also, I should say, that this is all taking place in a country where funerals happen very soon after death, so if she does go within the next couple of days, the funeral will definitely be while we're away - not the English scenario of a couple of weeks in the future)

OP posts:

Report

SeasonalVag · 06/08/2016 07:18

I'm so sorry, just read the update. X

SeasonalVag · 06/08/2016 07:17

Everybody is around at the funeral....the hard yards comes in the weeks and months to follow. You should go on holiday, say it goodbyes rtf and be there forngkm when you come back. Many people just disappear from view once the trauma is gone but even if the lady is expected to die, and does, they will be in shock at the funeral itself and you'll be able to be of much more use practically and emotionally after the event.

Rainatnight · 06/08/2016 02:40

Thank you, good idea.

OP posts:

yolofish · 03/08/2016 23:05

rain I am so sorry for your, and your friend's loss. My friend's daughter died aged 19 in Feb this year - I am the only person who msgs every night and every morning, without fail. even if I can say nothing remotely helpful, she knows I am there. if you can do something similar for your friend and their children it will help.

Rainatnight · 03/08/2016 22:50

Thank you, all. I just wish I could make it better for him and their kids, but I can't. It's so incredibly sad.

OP posts:

StarryIllusion · 03/08/2016 22:27

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your friend is well. I've always felt that funerals are more for the living than the dead. They give us closure. You are supporting your friend anyway, you don't need a funeral to do that. With the greatest respect to the lady, she really doesn't care who was there and who wasn't. Our true friends are there for us in life. Being there just for one day after we die when we haven't seen you in decades is too little too late. You have been there the whole time and will continue to be and that is far more important than a single day.

anahata · 03/08/2016 22:21

Your friend is very lucky to have you. Remember to look after yourself too!

mygrandchildrenrock · 03/08/2016 22:18

Sorry to hear your friend's wife died, but glad your parents were able to go in your place.

Rainatnight · 03/08/2016 21:56

Just a quick update to this. My friend's wife died on our third night away on holiday. We couldn't make it home in time for the funeral, but I'd made my peace with that.

My parents went in my place - they agreed instantly and I was so very grateful. Thanks again to ilovecherries for this brilliant idea, which made it bearable for me and really touched my friend.

It's going to be a long, hard road now for my friend. I'll be there for the rest of it.

Thanks, all.

OP posts:

Rainatnight · 22/07/2016 22:16

Thanks all so much, this has really helped to clarify things for me.

Just to clarify, though, I wasn't thinking of hanging around 'just in case'. I more meant if she went before we set off, or while we were away. (I may have been too addled to express that properly).

There are some really good points here. No, definitely don't think he'll think it would be so much easier if I was there Mackerel and that question really helped me make up my mind. It's going to be a horrible day either way BUT they have lots and lots of friends, so realistically, I'm not going to make any difference.

ilovecherries Sending a 'representative' is a brilliant idea. I hadn't thought of that. I could ask my parents to go. (I suspect we might be talking about the same countries because that's common for us too ).

I'm on holiday now. She's hanging on. I'm in touch with my friend.

Thank you for your help.

OP posts:

MackerelOfFact · 21/07/2016 11:49

People can often hang on a lot longer than you'd expect at the very end of life. In a way that often makes it worse because you just want it to be over for them. It's impossible to accurately predict how soon someone will slip away until they're a matter of hours away from the end, in my experience.

Do you feel the friend think 'this would all be so much easier if Rainatnight was here'? I think the answer in most cases would be no. Personally I would go.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/07/2016 11:29

My own view is that everything you've been to each other over the years, and the support I'm sure you'll give to the husband in future, matters far more than just one day - and a day when he'll be surrounded by others anyway. Far too many make a huge thing about attending funerals and then are nowhere to be seen in the hard times afterwards, when good friends are most needed, and I'm sure he'll treasure this most of all

I like the idea of marking the event in some way of your choice, though; you'll know best what would be appropriate, but whatever you do I'm sure he'll love to hear about it

HarryPottersMagicWand · 21/07/2016 11:28

I wouldn't cancel a holiday when someone was still alive. It seems a bit, I don't know, like you are hanging around waiting for them to die.

I knew someone who was given a certain amount of time to live, she went past to the point of them just not knowing anymore because she carried on for so much longer. Even at the end they said X amount of days and it was more. People can go on for longer than you think sometimes.

MissBattleaxe · 21/07/2016 11:21

Funerals can take a while. We had to wait three weeks between death and funeral. If she isn't dead yet, then go on holiday. It's not definite that either the death or the funeral will happen in the same two weeks. I'm sorry of that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be.

ilovecherries · 21/07/2016 11:01

I'm sorry your friend is so sick. I live in a place where funerals happen relatively quickly - usually the 3rd or 4th day unless it's a sudden or unexpected death where there might need to be a routine inquest. While only you can decide, It's accepted/expected that 1) with quick funerals, there is less expectation that everyone will be there 2) it's acceptable for a 'representative' to go in your place 3) bereavement lasts a long time. Your friend's partner will probably be relatively well supported at the actual funeral - you can be there for them when everyone else has moved on. On a practical level, your insurance is unlikely to cover a cancellation or early return for someone who isn't a relative or business partner, you can do something at the actual time of the funeral to be with them 'in spirit'. Plus a holiday might just be important for your own mental/physical/relationship health if you've had a bad year. But...I'm known for being scarily pragmatic at times, do you might want to ignore everything I've said!

dreamingofsun · 21/07/2016 10:54

my mum passed away last year. it was 3 days after the nurse said it might happen. And that was 4 months after she very nearly died and then rallied. Not sure what is wrong with your friend, but nature decides when this happens and it can be very unpredictable.

DustyCropHopper · 21/07/2016 10:49

My uncle passed away last week, his funeral is while I am on holiday. We are not going abroad but it is too far for me to travel to the funeral so I won't be going. I will send flowers and take some time out on the day to say my own goodbye. I would suggest doing your own little send off, maybe a meal and talking about your memories, lighting a candle or similar.

Offler · 21/07/2016 10:44

We missed my Grandad's funeral because we were going on holiday. He died a few days before we were due to go. My mum, whilst understandably upset at missing it, knew he would not want us to miss our holiday.

My mum got to see him at the funeral home before we went, and left a silver cross and chain in his pocket from us. On the day, we visited a church and lit candles.

A funeral is just one day, what is more important is that you give your support as much as able after, as that's when the impact is really felt.

OneTwoOneTwoThreeFour · 21/07/2016 08:55

Go on holiday and don't feel guilty.

Don't come back for a funeral.

Being a good friend is much more important than attending a funeral.

You and your DH need a holiday, go and enjoy it. You can help your friend and family when you return.

bakeoffcake · 21/07/2016 08:32

Go on holiday.

The lady is still alive, she may go on for longer than everyone thinks. Also funerals can take a while to organise so you really don't know when it will be.

Try to have a relaxing holiday, you sound like you need it

foursillybeans · 21/07/2016 08:28

Only you know the family particularly the husband. Would your absence cause any long term damage to the relationship? How close are you to the wife who is dying? Will she ask for you or want to see you before she passes? Would the husband need your specific help on the day of the funeral with DC if they have any or with arrangments or one the day helping ferry around family, etc? Are you one of the only people who can or would help in this way or does he have a support network? If the answer to these questions mean that he has other people to rely on then go on holiday.
Talk to your DP about supporting you in supporting the family/husband when you are back. The weeks and months afterwards are rough and he will need a lot more support on those days than the funeral day.

Newtothis2017 · 21/07/2016 08:06

I am Irish and funerals are a big thing. It depends on how long your holiday is for. I came back from a 4 night city break after 1 night because someone close to me had died . I went back the following year to the city. My feeling is there will be plenty more holidays. I would stay for the funeral if you are close to them.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting · 21/07/2016 08:06

She is still alive. Cancelling your holiday in case she slips away in those specific 2 weeks is a bit in poor taste tbh unless she or your friend have specifically asked you to. Follow LtEve's advice and make sure you are properly there for your friend throughout the long bereavement once you are back.

Finola1step · 21/07/2016 08:00

Apologies, didn't process your last paragraph of OP early morning brain

trafalgargal · 21/07/2016 07:59

That said I remember moving heaven and earth to get my Mum and I to her brothers funeral in Ireland as we had 24 hours notice of the mass the evening before the funeral due to the quickness convention (Catholic on her side)

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.