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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can compromise what your family needs with what you want?

52 replies

freshcutroses · 20/07/2016 20:49

Sorry if this makes no sense.

We have three young children. I do a small amount of paid work, but it's minimal and I'm mostly a SAHM. DH feels it's best for the children to have a parent at home.

I want to retrain. DH says I can but to wait until our youngest is at secondary school. I don't want to wait that long but AIBU? He thinks that I am.

OP posts:
dementedma · 21/07/2016 13:51

Don't wait. You may be a mum but you are still a person. Keep your skills up to date as once the children are grown, you do actually get your life back again. Or will, if being a mother hasn't drained all confidence and self belief from you!

Bottomchops · 21/07/2016 13:52

Fuck him! I said I'd give the dc up until the age of 3 each. It's a key developmental time imo and I WANTED to be around and at home with them. It has nearly killed me, and that's me choosing to be at home!

You have bigger problems if this is reflective of your dh as a person. Did you know he expected this of you?

I think you have to do what you want to do. He is not a father telling his little girl that she can't do something. Are you not equals?

Owllady · 21/07/2016 13:56

If I was you I'd get some course advice now so you are ready to apply when your youngest starts infant school
That's a compromise, no?
It will be great for you :)

Original poster
freshcutroses · 21/07/2016 13:56

I am mid 30s now so I do feel that waiting until I'm mid 40s might not be doable.

However the course I want to do isn't very family friendly from a shifts point of view. But we would be able to work something out. I feel at the moment I'm a poor role model for my children for one thing.

OP posts:
EllsTeeth · 21/07/2016 14:15

No way would I be putting off until my mid 40s retraining in something I really wanted to do! How long is the training? Is it a vocational course? Of course you will sort something out childcare wise. I would present him with a plan and take it from there. Do you know you can get a place on the course? Do you need work placements etc first?

positivity123 · 21/07/2016 14:15

I think it is a bit selfish to stay at home. IF you are a SAHM because you really want to be then great but I think you set a better example to your children by doing what you want to do and showing them that it is manageable. Also you might miss a few things in the early years but think how great it will be when your children are teenagers and older and have issues regarding work etc and you can advise and help them. Also a lot of kids need more support when they are teenagers so if you've retrained and are established you can be more flexible when they are older.

EllsTeeth · 21/07/2016 14:16

And I would not say that being a SAHP is a bad role model for your children at all if that is what you want. However, being a miserable SAHP who has martyred their happiness to stay at home IS a poor role model!!

Mitel · 21/07/2016 14:17

Looks like you have made your decision.

Will be interesting to see if your DH decides to pursue a dream, and also just makes a decision that suits him. After all, he is his own person as well as a dad and husband. Maybe he will go work in Lazertag or something.

If he does, don't possibly try and object to this decision, because then you will be controlling him and just seeing him as a drone to make money for the family with no other purpose in life.

I must say, I feel sorry for your DH.

EllsTeeth · 21/07/2016 14:22

Wow Mitel!

positivity123 · 21/07/2016 14:23

Ignore Mitel, he or she is just trying to get a rise out of you

Original poster
freshcutroses · 21/07/2016 14:25

No, I haven't made my decision, Mitel, please don't say stuff like that. You're probably right though and I am thinking of myself and what I want and not what the family needs.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 21/07/2016 14:28

Bollocks, Mitel. You want the OP to be miserable for another ten years?

OP, plenty of children have two working parents. They grow up just fine. Mine did and so did loads of their friends. I 'missed out' on some stuff - much of which was boring as all get out anyway. Go for it.

motherinferior · 21/07/2016 14:29

OP, you are allowed to think about what you want. You are part of this family. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of some kind of idea of parenthood.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 21/07/2016 14:30

So he wants you to stay at home because you will miss out on things. Well so will a lot of other people. Lots of families have both parents working and the DCs go to nusery/childminders/grandparents etc. I thought that was fairly normal.

TheWindInThePillows · 21/07/2016 14:37

MItel that's exactly what I did for my husband, helped him fulfill his dream by upping my work hours so he could go part-time. He did the same for me at a different time-point. That to me is exactly what being in a really fulfilling relationship is all about- as far as possible helping each other be the people we have the potential to be.

OP sadly your husband thinks his job and what he says is needed is more important than what you need. You could easily compromise here, and say go back in a year or two when the littlest is 2/3. He doesn't want this as he'd like you running around doing everything household related, and he's right it would be much easier for him. I don't believe he's prioritising the children at all- is he trying for flexible working, to work one day from home, go part-time to spend more time with them? Does he do everything available to meet their needs, constantly putting their needs first on weekends and evenings? Is he suggesting outsourcing housework and chores to free you up a bit so you can train and still spend quality time with the children? I know the answer to this already, he'd much rather you did it all and didn't complain for another decade.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/07/2016 14:39

So Mitel, if your DH said he's not happy and wants to change jobs to something a little more low-stress, but this would mean cutting down the nanny's hours, for example, you would also say that no way, you're selfish, we need all the cash?

Taking a course while children are in school/nursery is not exactly the same as stopping parenting alltogether, is it.

EllsTeeth · 21/07/2016 14:41

And how can it be "what the family needs" to have you miserable and bored at home? Can you do the training/ new career part time? I work part time and I feel like it's the best of both worlds. My children see me pursuing a career, I get to use my brain and do what I trained for years to do but I'm still at home with them 4 days a week.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/07/2016 14:42

and again the 'what family needs' and 'DH feels this is best for the family'.

You don't feel staying home for another decade is best for all the members of the family, do you, OP?

Topseyt · 21/07/2016 14:50

OP, Mitel is talking bollocks. Ignore. Totally.

I ended up looking to return to work in my mid forties having been out of the workplace for 10 years minimum doing all the childcare.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone in your situation it would be to try to avoid doing as I did if humanly possible.

I found most employers wanted to employ people a good 10 years younger than me, and as I said in my first post, explaining the long gap in my employment history certainly didn't get easier as time marched on.

I would urge you to do your training and plan your return to work.

It is your DH who is being selfish by holding you back, IMHO.

EllsTeeth · 21/07/2016 14:50

Also, presumably you would be bringing in some kind of salary after you have retrained. If your husband's salary already covers all the household costs and you don't "need" to earn money could you use the money you earn to take the family on some great days out/ holidays etc? Then you may see you working as benefitting the family in a more measurable way than "just" keeping you sane and happy...!

EllsTeeth · 21/07/2016 14:52

Or alternatively he could relax his own work progression a little and spend more time with the children as you are supplementing the family income.

Bottomchops · 21/07/2016 14:55

Omg I can't even read this thread.

Hariasa · 21/07/2016 15:21

Fresh you and your DH should work together as a team. Decisions should be made for the physical, mental and financial well being of the whole team.

How that happens is different for each family.

I was a SAHM for 5 years as we both agreed that would be good for our children. When they started school I went back to work full time, as we both agreed that would be best for me.

I'm soon to be a SAHM again for a few years when we move abroad later in the year for my DH's job. However once again this was something we both agreed on. It's not a case of "this is good for my career so you all fall in line behind me".

Your DH doesn't get to choose for you. Especially if that will mean you will be miserable for a decade.

You could easily compromise and say that you will start your retraining once the youngest is in nursery or school. Child care is less of an expense at that point and it gives you some time to plan things out.

Whatever you decide, it should be together. Marriage shouldn't be a dictatorship.

alltouchedout · 21/07/2016 16:02

Oh, Mitel, I pity you.

OP, just do it. Please. Do it. It's not best for 'the family' for the mother to be forced to be a sahm unwillingly. It's not best for 'the family' for the mum to be prevented from achieving goals for herself. It's not best for 'the family' for children to be raised knowing the higher earner gets the role of dictator.
Tell your H the family may not need the money but you need this. He is being selfish and oppressive and unreasonable and unfair. And he is not your boss.

hunibuni · 21/07/2016 16:26

Ignore Mitel. I did my nursing degree in my early 30's when DD was 2 and DS was 12. DH worked in the care field as well, so we were both doing 12 hour shifts. We were able to negotiate shift patterns where we were working opposite each other and he had to pull his weight with the house stuff. It was hard work and there were times when we didn't physically see each other for weeks at a time.

We're now in the position where I earn more than he does but we both have very flexible schedules and far more time and money to spend with the kids. Yes, it was tough, but I wanted to do it for me so DH supported me. When he changed jobs, I supported him and with hindsight it was the best thing that he ever did for his physical and mental health. Realistically, it will be my job that will have more opportunities and I know that he will support me, whether that means that I work abroad for short stints (I don't really want to emigrate completely) or us moving away from where we live.