My husband just speaks and I want to put my fingers in my ears

[ilovetoloveyoubaby]

First off, I respect people's right to voicing their opinion but sometimes I wonder why people voice certain opinions.

I've just had a conversation that turned into a rather heated debate around people grieving.

His words were "people grieve for far too long for people"

I countered with the fact that I think it's a ridiculous statement and you cannot put a time limit on someone's grief. He conceded that grieving for a child is different but other wise people need to pull their socks up and get on with life. I'm now sitting watching television wondering what and who I married.

AIBU to think what he said is just plain strange and horrible.

I don't think I've ever met anyone that "enjoyed the drama of wallowing" in grief. Grief is by definition not enjoyable.

Callous
Yes
That's the word.

I will just continue to be a drama queen then 🙄😡😳
How very tedious for everyone around me!
Oh! Except I don't "wallow" you callous bitch.
I just miss my dad.

He is BVU. Grief is so personal and it knows no limits, it never gets easier it just becomes something you live with and manage. I despise people that say oh aren't you over that. How dare they. Grief lasts forever but manifests itself differently in different people .There is NO time limit. People that think so are entitled to but should keep it to themselves. So you can roll your bloody eyes at people getting comfort by posting on social media but that says more about you than the person you're rolling them at.

I'm sorry about your dad Badders.
The rest of your life is a long time to spend without someone you love dearly.

I lost my mum last October. Yes I'm devastated but I'm getting on with it. I mean what other option is out there, but I'd never say to others pull your socks up. Horses for courses isn't it.
Now please don't get me wrong if I thought for one little second that breaking down and screaming for my mum would bring her back as she was when she was healthy then I would do.

I cried for the loss of my DB this morning, my DD set me off by accident- she heard "wires" by athlete and asked if it was a coma song bless her at only 9 yrs old! Cue me becoming a sobbing mess - I lost my DB when I was DD age, 9, he was 11. I still grieve badly and this was 29 years ago , will never get over and will never forget but will keep going on X

Your DH is unfortunately a you know what!

I wouldnt be hard on your DH, he said it to you, not to a recently bereaved person.

My DH (and indeed I) have experienced the very worst deaths you can imagine (it is not a competition, but sadly if it was, we would always win). DH is the bravest, most stoic man I know. He is a rock and I am so grateful for his strength. I think his traditional, head down, no pity, barrel through style is dreadfully out of fashions now, but I think of those survivors of WWI & 2 atrocities and he is cut from that cloth. Old school strong. I would never, and have never, judged him from grieving differently to me. Cut your DH some slack. Often the deepest feelings are expressed in silence and restraint.

Sorry badders

I'm actually considering showing him this thread to highlight that he is in the minority

I haven't broken down.
I don't scream.
Wtf?!
In fact since dad died I have had emergency surgery, nursed my aunt who got a terminal dx weeks after dads death, my son had emergency surgery and I lost 8 other family members. Quite a heap of shit in 3 years I'm sure you'll agree.
I don't bother people. I dint wail and rend my garments.
I get on with it.
But that doesn't mean that callous twats get to tell me I'm "taking too long" to "get over my dads death"
They can fuck the fuck off. And then, when they get there, fuck off some more.
It's possible to be grieving and not wearing fucking sack cloth and ashes!
Jesus!

Actually OP, another thing your DH might realise when it happens to him, is that getting on with things and grieving are not mutually exclusive.

I agree toast

badders have you spoken with anyone about your grief? You sound like you've had a lot to contend with

everyone out of interest, has your husband yet lost a parent?

Badders123 I am sorry for your loss. You seem to be taking this thread very personally. Many on here have lost loved ones, in a range of circumstances, and I don't believe anyone is judging anyone, just highlighting that there are different ways of coping.

Thank you.
I shall tell you about him.
He was such a kind, gentle man. He lived for his family. He worked hard...in fact he was still working ft when he died at 67.
He was so funny - in a dry quiet way. And clever - although he left school at 15. He instilled a love of reading in all of us, which we still have.
He loved us all very much, and adored all his grandchildren, 2 of whom can't remember him.
He loved rugby, sci fi and doughnuts...all traits I get from him :)
He and my mum were toghether for 50 years. She is utterly lost without him, heartbreaking to see.
My aunt, his sister, on hearing news of his death simply gave up. Told my cousin she wished it had been her, not him. She died a few months later.
There were 250 people at his funeral - which would have amazed him - he was such a humble man.
He was, quite simply, one of the "good ones"
And I will miss him until I close my eyes for the last time.

I suppose I am taking it personally.
But I certainly didn't mean to infer that my loss was worse than others!
It will be 3 years next week since we lost dad.
I find callousness such as the ops Dh very very hard to understand and, frankly, impossible to forgive.

Each bereavement is unique with its own grieving process. My first was my dad which was sudden and he was fairly young. I was still a child. Each one since then brings me back to that in some way. I've lost other relatives since then and have found it easier that they had lived out their lives. One had the added lament that I didn't know him better as I'd only known him a few years.

I think grief is like a scar. Early on it is raw and obvious. It's an intrusive difference compared to what used to be. Over time it fades and you become accustomed to its presence. It becomes part of your story. But it is still there, you learn to live with it.

It's a silly, naive thing to say from a person with little experience. The kind of words that can come back and haunt you. After all , two things are inevitable, death and tax.

Grief is so personal a thing, I don't think anyone should comment on the experience of others. That includes the OP's DH too. His matter-of-fact approach may be the best way for him to manage his own emotional response. He should not assume, however, that this is in any way the most "appropriate" response. There is no such thing.

He sounds like a lovely man that you're right proud of.

*rightly

I went to counselling - dr sent me after my operation - it was not helpful.
How could it be?
What could the - very nice - lady say?
It is what it is.

I hope you don't all think I mope around dressed in black all the time :)
I really don't.
I get in with it, as dad would want.
But...yeah. Sometimes its hard. In fact sometimes it's really hard, and those times just come out of the blue.
Ds2 learning to ride his bike (dad taught ds1)
Ds1 doing so well in school after a hard start
Ds1 winning player of the year at football
Happy times but also times that remind me what we've lost.

You see, I don't necessarily jump to the conclusion that the OP's DH is callous. He has expressed an opinion to his wife, not been unkind to a bereaved person. His opinion may well change with life experiences. Only the OP knows what sort of man her husband really is. I tend to judge people by deeds not words, and he may well be wonderful when he is really needed, who knows?

Thank you :)
You do learn to live with it.
Absolutely.
But sometimes it gets you - and in my case when I least expect it.

Badders exactly. You can't grieve for too long and you are getting on with it however hard it is every day.

I was referring to people like someone at work whose grandmother died 3 years ago and she uses it as an excuse for everything and we all have to tip toe around her and put up with her bad moods and her being horrible to her department because she is 'still grieving'. She was off work 6 months and returned when her salary would have been reduced to half pay. She has made such a fuss recently that she has been allowed to go home an hour early for the last 4 weeks to help her cope with her grief. That is just ridiculous. The council have paid for consellng, she had some of her duties remved two years ago temporarily and still isn't doing them. It is an unmentionable subject, an elephant in the room. She can't be asked to work late or start early because she is grieving. I have lost sympathy.

I don't think you are being dramatic badder. I said in my first post it took me years to come to terms with my Mum's death. Forgive me if I don't word this correctly - but what you did with your Dad -the CPR- is a very physical thing. It's horrible. I've done it. You described it very well. It takes a long time to get over that. And then the trauma of your poor Mum broken hearted . Honestly, love. It will take time. And shit keeps happening, and you keep rolling on. I know .