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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel humiliated and embarrassed

40 replies

EWAB · 20/07/2016 14:47

Took a bottle of champagne around for my brother's fiancee's birthday.
They were having a party! Clearly none of us were invited. I know that she is entitled to have a party for her family and friends but would have thought that we are her family too now as they are getting married in a month.

It was a massive party with a DJ! Balloons and loads of food and booze. Had I not been seen by a smoker at the front I would have gone back to the car.

She is always polite and friendly and asked me to stay for a drink but she is clearly not interested in me. Asked after my boys but got the eldest one's name slightly wrong.

Am I being stupid?

OP posts:

FastWindow · 20/07/2016 14:49

Oh dear. Who is 'us' your whole brothers side?

Seems rude tbh.

branofthemist · 20/07/2016 14:50

Embarrassed and humiliated?

I can kind of understand being miffed. But I think you are being over the top. She had a party and invited her friends and family. You say yourself she is entitled to do that.

Some people do not see their in laws as their own family straight away (if at all) . They aren't even married yet. So technically she isn't your family even in name yet.

My advice would be to not drop in on people unannounced. Call first.

ChicagoBull · 20/07/2016 14:51

Bit rude. Are you friendly?
Ime with sils the tone is set very quickly, either you're going to be happy families or they stick to their own
I've got 2 of the first & 2 of the second

Ivorbig1 · 20/07/2016 14:52

Mmmmm. Depends who organised it. It may not of been her. Maybe her family did it knowing the next birthday party would be not "just them".

Yanbu to be upset though.

EdmundCleverClogs · 20/07/2016 14:54

It was her birthday, up to her who she invites to be honest. She probably likes you enough, don't over react/take insult to such a small thing.

Birdsgottafly · 20/07/2016 15:00

Was it on her actual Birthday?

I find it odd that she hasn't been asked what's she doing for it.

If your not close enough to ask, then you shouldn't have dropped on, on the Day, she might of had something planned with your DB.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about. As you said, she didn't have to invite you and now you know where you stand.

Unless your family are awkward/ you have to invite them all etc and she wasn't up for that.

Brightredpencil · 20/07/2016 15:03

Were there any other people from your side of the family there?
Maybe she was drunk and slurred your DS name?
Yes still rude though.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/07/2016 15:06

It's her birthday! Why can't she do what she wants to do? I might celebrate my birthday by going out to dinner with my parents and brother but not my DH's family, unless they kinda had to be, not because we do t get on but because I want to spend it with my direct family. It's not like it was an engagement party.

marblestatue · 20/07/2016 15:08

Did you stay for a drink?

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea · 20/07/2016 15:10

I think humiliated and embarrassed is a bit OTT - but I can appreciate you were caught off-guard. Doesn't sound like you are that close really if you didn't know what she was doing on her birthday. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Unless all your other family were there and you were the only one left out?

Pinkheart5915 · 20/07/2016 15:14

i think your being a little silly.

It's up to her to decide about invites to her party and while yes you are now her family too but that doesn't mean she has to invite you.

Your ds name wrong well after a few drinks I struggle with names myself.

sometimes I celebrate my birthday by going out with my parents and brothers but not my in laws. I love my in laws and we get on very well but it's up to me to decide who I Celebrate with surely.

Laiste · 20/07/2016 15:30

It was her birthday - a personal celebration not necessarily a 'family' one IMO. I wouldn't automatically invite my ILs to my birthday party. It'd be mostly my mates with maybe a couple of my own family members if they were up for it.

Xmas, engagement, wedding, your brothers birthday perhaps, would all be parties you might actually expect an invite to as an in law.

Laiste · 20/07/2016 15:31

I wouldn't give too hoots if my SIL had a birthday party and didn't invite DH and i. And yes we all get on fine.

TheNaze73 · 20/07/2016 15:32

Humiliated? Embarrassed? Massive overreaction, surely?? It was her birthday after all

takingsooty · 20/07/2016 15:33

It does seem a bit odd to have a big birthday party and not invite your close relatives.
There's probably a sound reason, maybe she's got a very big family & just wanted a friends party.
Try not to be offended op. Taking champagne is a nice gesture and I'm sure it was appreciated.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/07/2016 15:35

YABU.
She isn't your family and even when she marries your brother, although she will be joining your family, it won't necessarily mean that she'll embrace you all as her new faaaamily and invite you to every little thing.
I wouldn't have expected to be invited to my sister's OH's party, although I probably would have been because my sister would have arranged it - but only because we get on and he doesn't have that many other friends.
Definitely wouldn't have been invited to my brother's (now ex) OH's party at any stage, none of us would have been because she barely tolerated any of us.

She was polite and asked you to stay for a drink - some people might have considered you rocking up without warning a little rude in itself, tbh - what if they'd gone away, what would you have done with the bottle then?

Next time call first.

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 20/07/2016 15:36

She might have thought, if she invited some of your 'side' she'd have had to invite loads of you and that would have changed the dynamic of her party and made it into more of an engagement type thing.

I can understand you feeling mortified by the situation - it must have been uncomfortable for her too. I am assuming your brother was there - had you mentioned to him you'd be dropping round?

But I wouldn't be remotely offended that I wasn't invited.

Eatthecake · 20/07/2016 15:38

I think humiliated and embrassed is a bit far, Maybe a bit put out.

I rarely celebrate my birthday with in laws as much as I love them I'm not there daughter and sister at the end of the day am I

RedMapleLeaf · 20/07/2016 15:38

I think that "embarrassed and humiliated" is a perfectly natural response if it made you think about similar events in the past and reaffirmed some worries you have around these kinds of things.

What on earth did she say to you?

MunchCrunch01 · 20/07/2016 15:40

i'd be upset - yanbu, it sounds like you've made a real effort to be nice. Are you sure her family were there? It might only have been one or two. It's partly the misjudging of things that's upsetting isn't it? I've been there, when you misjudge your level of friendship (which this is essentially) it feels awful. Don't beat yourself up. If she's unkind, it's on her conscience. You were being nice.

MagnumAddict · 20/07/2016 15:41

Another vote to say call before knocking!

Was her family there? Sometimes I have parties for friends only on birthdays and see family separately. It can be stressful to mix lots of groups and not that enjoyable and she has all that to worry about in a months time!

How long has she been with your brother? Do you socialise together?

Diamondangel8 · 20/07/2016 15:43

I can totally understand you being upset, I would be too. If family were there, why didn't she invite you? Was it a special birthday?

EvansAndThePrince · 20/07/2016 15:44

Depends if any other family was there. If I was having a party for my birthday I wouldn't invite any of my or DH's family, I'd invite friends.

FrazzleM · 20/07/2016 15:47

I can understand you felt out of place and left out.

But it seems odd that you turned up unannounced on the evening of her birthday? Even if she wasn't having a bells and whistles party, they might have been having a dinner party for 6. Surely you'd have felt a bit silly then too?

Laiste · 20/07/2016 15:49

Just thinking also - is her side of the family much smaller than yours?

In my case even DH's immediate family is about 5 times bigger than mine (I'm and only and so were both my parents) are much more rowdy and have loads of parties throughout the year.

'Do's with both our sides invited always naturally turn into yet another big 'Mr.Laiste's family' gathering. They're nice people, but sometimes it's nice to have a change and just have my own people dominate the do. Could any of this be true?

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