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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by my friend's lack of charitableness?

69 replies

SunFlower222 · 18/07/2016 19:35

My friend is pregnant and therefore having a clear out to make room for new baby and doing some nesting...like you do.
She's been trying to sell her old baby things (she has 2 girls, she's now having a boy) on facebook selling pages since April, along with some household bits and bobs. A few things have sold but most of it hasn't.
Every week she's reposting it, still no interest in much of it.
She's not strapped for cash, they're quite comfortable, she doesn't NEED £3 for a baby dress that she bought for £8 9 years ago.
I don't get the mentality, I'd rather just get rid of stuff and give it to a friend who's had a baby or to a charity shop or to a women's charity.
I've never sold any of my old baby stuff and I just don't think I could ever bring myself to ask someone for money for something that's been puked on by my baby and then stored in the loft for 8 years.
I appreciate that to her the stuff has value but surely after advertising the stuff for THREE MONTHS and still no takers, you would just donate it to a good cause?

OP posts:
DustOffYourHighestHopes · 18/07/2016 20:25

YANBU to hate constant re-listing for stuff CLEARLY no one wants.

But YABU to give a shit about your friends. We have enough money and I still sell the better bits of clothing when the kids are done with it. Money is money. If people are happy to buy and I'm happy to sell, what's the problem? Who's getting ripped off? Why does it matter if and how she gives to charity?

THe problem with charity shops is that clothes do not necessarily sell. They often get ragged.

It's also true that my free stuff doesn't sell or attracts people who never turn up.

sparechange · 18/07/2016 20:26

Totally agree with you. It is mean, and a total faffing waste of time
And the traits I hate most in people are meanness and faffing, so I would hate to see a friend behaving like that

MerryInthechelseahotel · 18/07/2016 20:27

I couldn't care less what friends do with their old clothes.

maisiejones · 18/07/2016 20:31

Even if clothes get ragged by charity shops they still make money for the charity.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/07/2016 20:33

There's nothing charitable about judging what a friend does with their old clothes so the inherent irony in this thread has made me Grin

OP your friend may donate the money she raises; alternatively she may use it to buy nailpolish allowing her to direct her nailpolish fund to sponsoring a school in Africa instead.

She may subscribe to the old adage about not letting one hand know what the other is doing when it comes to charity.

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 18/07/2016 20:35

Do you actually know the circumstances of their marriage & finances? She may eBay to get her own spending money etc...so much is hidden behind very middle class apparently affluent doors...
yes she's a very close friend, been friends since we were kids, her and her husband split all the bills so they put a set amount in to their joint account which all the bills come out of, the rest is hers to spend as she pleases.
Before becoming pregnant she had enough money for going out drinking every weekend, weekends away with her friends, new clothes etc. Her DH is not keeping her skint, in fact there's even been times when she's left him at home because 'he' couldn't afford to go on a night out so she's just gone out without him. She's the main earner but he also earns very good money.
And I wouldn't call them middle class or affluent, they started with very little and have worked their way up their career ladders to a point where they are now pretty comfortable and have a bit of spare cash.

OP posts:
marblestatue · 18/07/2016 20:41

Does it matter if it's a "waste of time"? Most hobbies are.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 18/07/2016 20:43

Stop obsessing about her! Jealousy is very unattractive.

MrsDeVere · 18/07/2016 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noodledoodledoo · 18/07/2016 21:00

Outwardly it would look like we are comfortably off, but I sell stuff to help finance the slightly nicer treats.

I am currently selling all my maternity clothes - have just finished work so the work stuff has been listed on ebay - I don't need it anymore and it will help make a few extra pounds to fund the nappies we are going to need imminently.

I still give to charity but when stuff is still in good nick and I am about to start on Mat pay - charity begins at home!

I don't tend to use Facebook pages as I don't like to irritate friends/family - I tend to do ebay on the whole.

Have raised about £170 in a month.

VestalVirgin · 18/07/2016 21:08

I don't get why she thinks she needs other baby things for a boy. If she has the money for such unnecessary stuff, then you'd think she could afford to give the old clothes to someone for free.

Not sure if I would be as annoyed as you are. I have few friends and they're all lovely people, so I cannot really understand the situation.

exLtEveDallas · 18/07/2016 21:09

Yeah I was surprised to see a friend advertise a school fleece for a fiver recently.

Our kids leave primary this week. I've bundled up all of DDs uniform (incl coats and fleeces) and I'm giving it to a child in Year 4 (with a brother in Year 2) - so they get the benefit of it. It's no good to me, so why not pay a bit forward.

Blup · 18/07/2016 21:09

I've never understood why people sell individual items for a few pounds each, relisting every few weeks. I just bag all up and sell it as a bundle. Probably less money, but also a lot less hassle. Bigger things (pram etc) I'd do individually, but not the small stuff.

VestalVirgin · 18/07/2016 21:11

And I wouldn't call them middle class or affluent, they started with very little and have worked their way up their career ladders to a point where they are now pretty comfortable and have a bit of spare cash.

Well, that could be the reason. If you have the mindset that you don't have enough money to give any away, then it is difficult to adjust to a new situation where you do have enough money.

DurhamDurham · 18/07/2016 21:16

I started eBaying about two years ago to get rid of some things when moving house. I carried on and still have items listed every month.
I wished is done it when my children were babies. I don't make a lot but it's usually about £100 a month and it makes me feel better about the money I spend on coffee and cake when I meet up with friends BrewCake

Me and my husband both work full time and people would assume we are comfortable but it doesn't mean we don't appreciate the extra money that Ebay makes for us as a family.

228agreenend · 18/07/2016 21:31

Surely it's up,to her what she does with her clothes and why doe it bother you so much that she doesn't give it to charity?

So the answer to your question is YABU.

coolaschmoola · 18/07/2016 21:39

What on earth has it got to do with you? I give cold hard cash to charities regularly. I also eBay stuff and spend my PayPal funds on fabulous shoes. We are middle class, with disposable income. By selling stuff I just have a little more.

It is separate to my charity donations and I actually think your judgment on a so-called friend is pretty nasty and in poor taste.

MapMyMum · 18/07/2016 21:49

How is this your business? She wants to sell her stuff on, it doesnt belong to you, shes not asking you to buy it? Leave her be and stop judging.

Original poster
SunFlower222 · 18/07/2016 21:54

Just to clarify - I have no problem with anybody selling stuff, it's the fact that after THREE MONTHS of trying to flog stuff that nobody wants to buy she still hasn't thought 'oh I'll maybe just give it to someone who needs it'.

Every few days my news feeds are filled with her bumping her posts on buy/sell/swap pages and it's annoying because clearly nobody wants to buy it but she's not getting the message.

OP posts:
MapMyMum · 18/07/2016 21:55

Then unfollow the buy sell swap pages and you wont see it... and your title is about her uncharitableness, not the clog on your newsfeed...

readinginthechair · 18/07/2016 22:11

I agree with you OP, it's great to make a bit of extra cash that way but to consistently repost the same items for months is ridiculous.

We have a local charity shop which is run for the benefit of the children in our area.
The proprietor's have helped so many children obtain specialist equipment/funding/therapies or just to help struggling families. I take most of my things there Smile

WorstBarmaidEver · 18/07/2016 23:10

Up to her what she does, but personally I absolutely can't stand tight or greedy people. All of my family are generous and none of us are rich, I would literally be ashamed to sell 8 year old baby clothes when I really didn't need the money and when I know there's 3 families in my street that would be very greatful for them. I find that the more money people have the tighter they are, but I find happiness in giving as do my friends/family, perhaps that lady doesn't know how great a feeling it is and would rather stockpile £1 coins Hmm

thecook · 18/07/2016 23:15

They are tight arses love.

BadLad · 18/07/2016 23:22

Christ alive, mind your own fucking business.

PersianCatLady · 18/07/2016 23:28

I find it amazing that people often dramatically over estimate the value of their second hand possessions.

Personally things like cots, playpens and buggies I would expect a small amount of money for. Before I sold my son's baby equipment I had gone through all of his clothes and kept a few things for sentimental value.
Then when some of the ladies came to buy some of the bigger items (some of whom were young and pretty hard up) I said to them don't feel obliged but if you like you can help yourself to some of the baby clothes and I don't want any extra money for them.

One lady insisted on giving me 50p for every item that she took, another lady didn't want to take anything and the rest of them probably took a carrier bags worth each. I put the few items that were left in a charity bag and that was that all gone in a week.