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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

please tell me i'm bu !!!

71 replies

primitivemom · 18/07/2016 17:30

I really don't know where to start!!! My husband has recently been on a health kick infact very obsessive and he has started on my girls who are 12 and 7. At first it was cutting out sweets and rubbish, sugary drinks etc. Then it was telling them in not so many words that being fat like me (im very overweight) is not acceptable and that they don't want to end up like me. I understand that i of course, i don't want my girls obese but a healthy weight for their age. Bear in mind at night when kids are in bed he eats sweets! . He is all health health health, no sugar at all, even a yogurt etc, they are not allowed anything but what he cooks , he does cook nice dinners, and they do eat it . My twelve year old has lost weight, and is very aware of this (he tells her its a growth spurt) and clothes that fitted her last month are hanging on her. My 7 year old is going the same way. I undersatnd that no sugar helps, behaviour etc and it has, but surely he is going too far? today was the final straw when he came home from the shops with a present for them , kids were excited to see what he'd brought, a toy or comic etc and he handed them ........ weights!!!!! what should i do? i am really worried my girls are going to end up ill .

OP posts:

user7755 · 18/07/2016 18:55

Bacon and eggs for breakfast and spag Bol for dinner? Is that the pre health kick or post health kick diet?

That doesn't sound overly healthy to me. Maybe you could sign up for the change for life thing, that might help you to get a clear idea of what is healthy as it sounds like you could do with some neutral advice

PurpleDaisies · 18/07/2016 19:00

What's wrong with bacon and eggs for breakfast and spag Bol for dinner? I know the latest advice says bacon shouldn't be eaten too often but I can't think for the life of me what's wrong with a home cooked spag bol (lean mince, lots of veg, measured portion of whole meal spaghetti).

BillSykesDog · 18/07/2016 19:00

So you think that his diet has helped massively with DD1s behaviour...but you don't see the harm in sabotaging it? Why can't she have a natural yogurt or fruit for desert? Why do you only see something as a worthwhile 'treat' if it's sugary and will sabotage the progress she's made? It sounds like you are passing your own unhealthy habits onto them by treating sugary food as an integral part of their diet. 'Just' a sugary yogurt, 'just' a scoop of ice cream. It all really adds up.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 18/07/2016 19:02

That is dreadful of him to say. Poor you.

I agree that no matter how 'healthy', any over-thinking about weight and food is very dangerous for girls of this age. Perhaps you could see your GP and explain what's happening, then visit the GP with your husband and hear what the risks are.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 18/07/2016 19:03

And your girls shouldn't be doing any weight training without input from a qualified professional. Don't let your DH do this.

Sonders · 18/07/2016 19:10

It's hard to give a firm opinion here as it seems your DH has been nasty to you, it might be redirected frustration borne out of genuine concern. Or he might be an arse.

Weights aren't categorically bad, it depends how they were intended to be used.

PurpleDaisies · 18/07/2016 19:13

op what did you say to him after he told your children not to end up like you?

Furiosa · 18/07/2016 19:21

If your daughters new diet is bacon and eggs for breakfast and spaghetti bolognese for dinner what was it like before your husband "intervened"?

I don't think small dumbbells for a 12 year old is excessive. But then again I don't know what kind of weights your DH bought or who they were for.

Why don't you join them? Make it a family thing?

Highlandfling80 · 18/07/2016 19:21

My Dd joined a gym and she can't do any weights until 15 I believe. What he said was horrible op.

nooka · 18/07/2016 19:21

I'd be concerned about what he is saying to your girls (and to you) but the 'diet' sounds pretty normal to me. Home cooked meals with the occasional take away. If they really have lost a lot of weight because of this change in eating then it does make me wonder how big they were before the change and what they were eating then.

Weights are a bad idea before puberty, but exercise is the other side of a healthy lifestyle, so again I'd not see that as necessarily extreme, just a bit misguided. Oh and exercising together can be fun, so not necessarily a crappy present.

It seems as if it's the cutting out of sweet things that's really bothering you OP, do you have a very strong association between sweet things and comfort/love perhaps? It's not unusual if you were brought up with a reward/treat = sweets approach.

trafalgargal · 18/07/2016 19:23

Bacon and eggs and Spag Bol are quite normal foods ....You say you aren't joining this "healthy eating" (to be honest I was imaging macrobiotic or something extreme) so what are you eating that is so different ?

You are choosing to eat differently to the rest of the family because ?

You want to be over weight ?
You feel your husband is trying to force you into losing weight ?
You don't see your role as setting your children good examples ?

It sounds bonkers tbh -

caroldecker · 18/07/2016 19:27

The NHS believes weights for children of that age is fine and recommended - not sure what your problem with fit healthy children is, unless it makes you feel more unhealthy and thus worse about yourself.

Highlandfling80 · 18/07/2016 19:34

Fair enough but NY gym does put restrictions on what the 11 to 15 year olds can do.

starchildareyoulistening · 18/07/2016 19:36

If the kids were already a healthy weight to begin with, I don't see why he is focusing on their weight at all. Can you agree as a family that cutting out sugar is a good idea for healthy teeth/skin and better mood/behaviour, without bringing weight into it at all? I have no idea how to go about developing a healthy attitude towards food as my mum was (still is) on a constant diet/binge cycle, she started me on my first diet when I was about 11 and I've had eating disorders (bulimia/BED) since my early teens. It seems to be one of those things that can go wrong so easily and take a lifetime of work to address. :(

blankmind · 18/07/2016 19:47

I too think he has the right reasons for what he's doing, but has gone about it very clumsily and I'm so sorry he's made such hurtful remarks about you. Could it be that gentle hints don't work on you and he's at a loss how to motivate you as well?

If he's "imposed" bacon and eggs instead of sugary cereal and toast, marmalade, jam, muffins etc for breakfast then he needs a pat on the back.

OP, you need to learn how many foods the body treats as sugar, it's not just sticky sweet stuff, it's also a lot of fruit and a lot of carbs, so if your husband is reducing the overall sugar intake and upping the protein and a little good fat, he's doing a really good job.

It would be great if you could join them in this OP.

Please look on My Fitness Pal to see the excess calories that are in processed food, that's why the latest recommendations advise cooking healthy food from scratch.

It will be the summer holidays soon, why don't you all get involved in choosing and eating things that are good for you as well as exercising as a family every day. It can be as simple as a walk together, rather than strenuous competitive sport. You could take turns in choosing a location to walk around, visit some interesting places as well as get some gentle exercise.

Ebony69 · 18/07/2016 19:52

From what you haven't said, OP, it seems that your girls were, in fact, overweight. If so, could it be that you're now feeling somewhat conspicuous as being the only family member who is large?

user7755 · 18/07/2016 19:56

What's wrong with bacon and eggs for breakfast and spag Bol for dinner?

That's what confused me, it's not absolutely awful, so am confused about what is so bad about it. But it isn't obsessively healthy either, so can't understand what the OP feels is so bad about it - personally I think it's an awful lot of protein and perhaps some veggies instead of the bacon or a veggie bolognaise to even it out would be better (but then that might just be a personal thing as too much protein makes me sluggish and slows my digestion right down). If I ate that much protein I wouldn't be able to eat anything else at all in a day.

Taylor22 · 18/07/2016 20:04

It sounds like he has 'woken up' to what was in front of him. A very unhealthy family life.
I think you're picking and chosen and manipulating what he's said/doing so that you don't have to put the effort in to be healthy and lose weight.
If you want to stay the size you are then fine. But do not berate a man for stepping up and by your own admission has improved your daughters behaviour and weight. He's setting them up for more opertunties and a better healthier life.
Can you really be a good judge of what is a treat in moderation? You've said they have a good breakfast and dinner and take aways yet you still feel they're somehow deprived by not indulging in unnecessary junk food.
As for the comment I dint know....
To be honest I wouldn't want to be obese and I would not Wang my child to be either. My mum has always been very blunt and has told me when I have gained a lot of weight (uni days living off domino's.)
I think you need to look at yourself and see why your not getting on board with this.

PurpleDaisies · 18/07/2016 20:07

personally I think it's an awful lot of protein

For most people meals based around lean protein are considered to be filling and healthy. I'd normally pack my spag Bol with veg-I'm assuming if the dh is on a health kick he does too.

I don't think the actual food is the problem-it sounds like the op and her husband need a long chat about how they both deal with their (and their daughters') attitude towards eating.

user7755 · 18/07/2016 20:12

I completely agree Purple.

Obliviated · 18/07/2016 20:15

I'm not sure there's a nice way to say this, my Dp is very over weight, morbidly obese. He has no idea about portion control and happily gave DS a 3rd bowl of cocopops this morning. I get to be the bad guy who takes it away - because I don't want my DC to end up like him.

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