I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

[ihatebeingstuck]

Posting here for traffic, I'm feeling pretty desperate tonight.

A bit of background: me and "d"p have a 3 year old and a 7 year old. I used to love my dp and thought he would make an amazing father. We had been together a long time. After our first child was born he quickly showed that he had no patience and I ended up doing everything with dd alone. I remember when she was 5 weeks old and I wanted him to try her with a bottle of expressed milk one night as I was getting about two hours sleep a night, she wouldn't take it and he was shouting at her it's this or nothing stop being spoilt, he had no patience at all and wanted to leave her hungry for the rest of the night. I fed her and never asked him for help again. Fast forward 4 years and I was enjoying motherhood and me and dp wanted dd1 to have a sibling. My pregnancy was hard and even though he was desperate for this baby and said he would change and help he did nothing. I had a c section and he had two weeks off work and he did nothing. When I came out of hospital he went to bed and left me with dd1 and a baby to look after, he said he was worn out after looking after dd1. I was so upset. Visitors noticed how he treated me, he even asked me to make him lunch and kept saying he was on holiday from work! I wanted to leave there and then but recovering from a c section and no where to go I was stuck. Over the last 3 years I have been a stay at home mum as he works a 60 hour week so all childcare, sickness etc falls on me. I don't mind and I enjoy being a stay at home mum. But how he treats our children and me has killed my love for him.

For example when I was sick he let our then 2 and 6 year old play in the street riding there bikes while he sat inside playing on his phone. So I had to go and sit outside even though I was sick. He doesn't supervise the kids at all, he leaves the cleaning cupboard open with chemicals in, the knife draw open without the safety catch on, he forgets to feed DC at meal times, doesn't strap them in properly in the car so I have to re do it, doesn't put their bike helmets on properly, gives the youngest boiling hot food, these are just some of the things he has done, luckily I am always there to jump in. He is also selfish with money and doesn't like to spend it on the DC. We are OK financially but the DC have to go without things like cinema trips, they don't have many clothes etc. He resents buying school uniform. I scrimp and save out of the grocery money so they have the essentials.

I have wanted to leave him for a long time, I hate to see how he is with the DC. But I am too scared to leave because then he will have them on his own. I feel like I have to stay with him to protect them from his dangerous driving and all the other things mentioned above. That's right he gets angry with other drivers and tries to race them with me and the DC in the car, luckily not at high speed but it is bad enough, he also cuts them up which I think is dangerous. At the moment i try to make sure we hardly ever go in the car with him, we eat on our own, and spend time in other parts of the house playing or cleaning when he is off work. We hardly ever do anything as a family as he is always working and that suits me. Is this the best I can hope for, trying to keep me and the DC out of his way because I can't bear to watch how he parents? I stand up to him infront of the DC and now they have no respect for him and will not do as he says. I just wish I could get up and walk out with the DC. But I feel stuck as I wouldn't want to put them through access with this selfish man. What can I do, does anyone have any suggestions? I feel trapped and am so miserable.

I cant see how posters are missing the fact this man cannot be trusted with them alone

Op you poor thing not sure what to suggest but I agree at the moment while young having to put them in his sole care is not an option.

mintjulip thank you for understanding. I guess it's hard for people to understand when it's not their own children. But would they feel happy living a just turned 3 year old by a cupboard with bleach etc in it on their own for possibly hours while they slept, leaving big knives out with a 3 year old, leaving the 7 year old responsible of a 3 year old while they are on their bikes alone next to a road. The thought horrifies me. I think that might be my only hope is waiting until they are older and hoping a point comes where they are old enough to understand what he is like and how to keep themselves safe. I have no idea how long I am going to have to wait for this though. It's a depressing thought, but not as bad as leaving them at risk.

Maybe I need to focus on how to make our home life better. I already make sure we eat meals before he gets in, when he gets in he shouts about the mess of the toys and said he will Hoover them up, the 7 year old helps the 3 year old clean up as the 3 year old is not fast enough. I'm thinking of telling them no toys out after dinner and sitting them in their rooms to watch a movie instead. If they play with toys in their bedrooms on the floor though at bedtime he would shout about the mess. Maybe I should take us to the park before bed! He has one day off a week, I try and spend it at home so the kids can see their dad but I'm thinking of taking them out to activities on this day instead. I think the less they are around him the better. He seems ok in small doses, he can occasionally have a good influence on them like getting them playing outside in the garden after dinner but he won't join in with them when they ask him to play.

I'm crying reading this, I am so sorry for you. I know what you mean, I would put up with anything to protect my child and I admire you (and the other posters) so much for what you are doing. You are true heroes to put up with these horrible situations.

My own thought fwiw is whether the DB's ex-wife might be someone you could talk to as it sounds like your situations might be similar.

Good luck OP, my heart is bleeding for you xxx

I feel sad that the DC have ended up with such a rubbish dad he was not like this at all before they were born, he seemed like a kind man, we had been together 10 years before having DC. It feels like he is playing out a less horrific version of his own upbringing.

rebecca thank you for your message. Unfortunately my SIL is grateful for the break so she puts up with BIL parenting so she can enjoy socialising and meeting new men. It's a shame. Me and her are not very similar people, I tried to get to know her before. She complains about BIL being a crap parent but pushes him to have more access so she gets a break. She even gets MIL to have access to, and I've seen her slap one of my young nieces while in her care

I wonder if you can try and get him to relationship counseling?

do you think he is happy, how would be feel if you threatened to leave? ie he wouldn't want you to and would agree to counseling?

I am furious that you have to put up with this because this man would be allowed access JUST BECAUSE . when he scares and takes no care of his DC.

I have no intention of separating from my DH but I have to say after reading such threads as this over the years it has made me think how would he be alone with them.

He is amazing Dad but he still does silly things like leaves bottle of calpol with top not on properly in dc access when they LOVE medicine and would drink whole bottle, or when DD babies, he almost had that sleep disorder, would fall asleep all the time, when it wasnt safe, thankfully of course I didnt! I was there....YES has issues with simply doing bottles up properly....

he is amazing dad but I would also have worries if they were left alone with him on access as young DC....

Op he does sound like awful immature man.

However they have one amazing parent, which is more than many DC have. In that respect you are giving them everything.

In short term very good idea to work how you can live happily now and work round him.

I have threatened to leave at Christmas and he cried behind his hair he was trying to hide from me but I could see the tears. He said we are his world. He was begging me to stay saying he would do better, that's the worst thing I don't think he knows how to do better 😞 I'm not sure if he would try counselling, maybe I should suggest it to him, he doesn't think he has a problem though but it's worth a try.

op. I'm not even in this situation, but I understand exactly what you mean. In your situation I would stay too. Their safety is paramount. Some people are not capable of looking after children properly.

However I agree with pp about building evidence and getting advice for the future. You don't have to stay til they're 16, isn't there a younger age that they (the Dc) can legally have a say in contact arrangements?

Also - start making a dent in his 'perfect dad' pitch. Be honest with people around you about his lack of parenting skills, make a joke of it to start with if thats easier, but don't let it pass without comment. Make sure that people know you do all the work. Even if they don't believe you at first, it will put some doubt in their minds. This will surely be helpful if you leave, but also maybe some public mockery/criticism could give him a wake up call?

Yes things like the calpol he would do. He is always leaving his medication for hay fever on the side in the kids reach. I feel like I'm constantly supervising things like this to keep our house child safe. I did speak to my mum a few times and although she is not very helpful she did say she never trusted my dad with me when I was small as he wasn't health and safety conscious, which surprises me. I wonder if men in general are less "alert" to risks regarding small children?

I'm not sure if he would try counselling, maybe I should suggest it to him, he doesn't think he has a problem though but it's worth a try

Not many people would voluntarily go which is why I was thinking of a leverage to get him to go. Ie, I leave or you come to counselling with me, ( Relate).

Its worth a try, hearing stuff from third person who can make sense of it may help. Give him something to think about. Wont address all the issues but may help to ease his bad behaviour and moods.

I wouldnt frame it like that either - YOU have a problem/

I would keep it neutral - "we" need relationship counseling, come with me.

traveladdict thank you, I will have a look to see if I can find out at what age kids have a say in access. I had not thought of that.

I do highlight his rubbish parenting in public sometimes and he just starts shouting. My parents have been shocked by his behaviour. Although they still don't offer to help me and my mum tells me this is just what men are like if I ask her for help.

Thanks mintjulip I could maybe get him their if he thought it was about our relationship rather than parenting. That's a good idea.

OP, this NOT just what men are like. My DH is not perfect in many ways but I can trust him 100% with the kids. He is as safety-conscious as I am (sometimes more so) and he plays happily with the kids, changes nappies, cooks meals, takes them out to do fun stuff like swimming or softplay, engages with them etc etc. He and I both have one day off a week where we care for the children, and the house is always tidier at the end of his days than it is after mine! Do not fall into the trap of thinking that there are no better men out there - there absolutely are. Your mum has very low expectations! This is not just how all men are.

It may help in the very short term, put no emphasis on him at all, if you did manage to get him there big smiles " love him so much we all do, but bla bla....worries me in the car etc but he is great"

I know its a lie but it may get short term help, and better if framed in positive way.

My heart goes out to you op .

If I was you , regardless of the rights and wrongs I would move very far away without telling him . Yes he can go to court but does he have the money to do that ?
You mention your family although they aren't any help , do they live further away and you could say your moving for them / job opportunities etc .
You must start logging everything now with all officials / schools / gp especially the police re driving .

My experience is with public law not private but i believe the following is the case -

Please talk to your health visitor. It can start to build up and account of things that have happened so that if you leave and refuse contact (you can as a parent not hand your child over to the other parent if you feel they are at risk - not just to play games obviosuly) then he has to take you to court. In court you can present your case and then a CAFCASS officer (trained social worker) can be asked to write an assessment as to whether and what contact should happen and that also gets heard and helps the judge make a decision. They would speak to other professionals so that could then back you up to have records.

You can seek legal advice or google Coram children's legal advice to check out your options

I'might just about to find your new thread. It would be great if we could support each other somehow. Other people manage to conjure up the courage, I'm just so scared of something happening to the children when or if they were with him.

I've already spoken to a solicitor and she said it'll be my word against his unless I can gather any evidence. I broke down when I came out of that appointment.

I have days where I think maybe he's not so bad. But then he'll revert to type and I know I'm kidding myself.

I've been so close to reporting himy for drink and drug driving but then he'll have no income and then won't get out of the house. Feel stuck at every turn.

Op reading your post about 1 hr a night being better than half their lives and the shouting about toys and a messy house echos everything I'm going through. I just cringe when I know somethings gonna set him off

nectarini1983 I have been to citizens advice before and they said the same thing. It's horrible isn't it :( would the drink or drug taking not go against him? My dp doesn't drink or do drugs and works in a trusted profession and has a mr nice guy image :( maybe you will have more chance of having supervised contact because of the drink and drugs? Yes come join me on the thread I set up, even if we can just stop each other feeling so alone then it's something xxx

I really think you should pay for legal advice, see how to build a case to ensure your kids are safe. I hate to say it but if he decided to leave you in the future, without evidence you would look like a bitter ex denying contact.