I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

[ihatebeingstuck]

Posting here for traffic, I'm feeling pretty desperate tonight.

A bit of background: me and "d"p have a 3 year old and a 7 year old. I used to love my dp and thought he would make an amazing father. We had been together a long time. After our first child was born he quickly showed that he had no patience and I ended up doing everything with dd alone. I remember when she was 5 weeks old and I wanted him to try her with a bottle of expressed milk one night as I was getting about two hours sleep a night, she wouldn't take it and he was shouting at her it's this or nothing stop being spoilt, he had no patience at all and wanted to leave her hungry for the rest of the night. I fed her and never asked him for help again. Fast forward 4 years and I was enjoying motherhood and me and dp wanted dd1 to have a sibling. My pregnancy was hard and even though he was desperate for this baby and said he would change and help he did nothing. I had a c section and he had two weeks off work and he did nothing. When I came out of hospital he went to bed and left me with dd1 and a baby to look after, he said he was worn out after looking after dd1. I was so upset. Visitors noticed how he treated me, he even asked me to make him lunch and kept saying he was on holiday from work! I wanted to leave there and then but recovering from a c section and no where to go I was stuck. Over the last 3 years I have been a stay at home mum as he works a 60 hour week so all childcare, sickness etc falls on me. I don't mind and I enjoy being a stay at home mum. But how he treats our children and me has killed my love for him.

For example when I was sick he let our then 2 and 6 year old play in the street riding there bikes while he sat inside playing on his phone. So I had to go and sit outside even though I was sick. He doesn't supervise the kids at all, he leaves the cleaning cupboard open with chemicals in, the knife draw open without the safety catch on, he forgets to feed DC at meal times, doesn't strap them in properly in the car so I have to re do it, doesn't put their bike helmets on properly, gives the youngest boiling hot food, these are just some of the things he has done, luckily I am always there to jump in. He is also selfish with money and doesn't like to spend it on the DC. We are OK financially but the DC have to go without things like cinema trips, they don't have many clothes etc. He resents buying school uniform. I scrimp and save out of the grocery money so they have the essentials.

I have wanted to leave him for a long time, I hate to see how he is with the DC. But I am too scared to leave because then he will have them on his own. I feel like I have to stay with him to protect them from his dangerous driving and all the other things mentioned above. That's right he gets angry with other drivers and tries to race them with me and the DC in the car, luckily not at high speed but it is bad enough, he also cuts them up which I think is dangerous. At the moment i try to make sure we hardly ever go in the car with him, we eat on our own, and spend time in other parts of the house playing or cleaning when he is off work. We hardly ever do anything as a family as he is always working and that suits me. Is this the best I can hope for, trying to keep me and the DC out of his way because I can't bear to watch how he parents? I stand up to him infront of the DC and now they have no respect for him and will not do as he says. I just wish I could get up and walk out with the DC. But I feel stuck as I wouldn't want to put them through access with this selfish man. What can I do, does anyone have any suggestions? I feel trapped and am so miserable.

[Solasum]

Might there be an element of being crap-on-purpose to make sure you do all the DC work? If he had sole charge, he might get his arse in gear. Things like meals being late is not such a biggie, your DC will soon tell him they are hungry once they are old enough.

Re safety concerns, once they are school age assuming you have drilled 'do not play near open windows' etc that might be less of an issue.

No idea what you could do about the racing other drivers though twat maybe next time he does it keep a mental note of when and where it was and report it anonymously to the police?

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

I am afraid from what I've seen through the experiences of someone close to me that your concerns are valid. He will get 50% if he wants it and it sounds like he'll be perfectly able to charm anyone to whom you raise concerns about his parenting. It won't count for anything. In your shoes I would stay too but I'd be looking for work to provide for the DCs seeing as he won't (selfish cunt).

I feel so badly for my friend and her DCs knowing that when the are with him he rules then with a rod of iron and neglects their physical and emotional wellbeing but nobody else would give a shit as he is supposedly a respected pillar of society.

[MonicaLewinskisFlange]

You can keep a log in a document saved in the cloud with gmail or hotmail. Accessible only with password. Don't save any passwords on your phone.
My log is on my phone. Half of me wants him to find it. Most recent incident, he forgot to pick up LO from childminder. Just came home from work and went to sleep. Like a lazy, selfish fucker.

[ihatebeingstuck]

No I haven't posted about this before, it's sad there are others in similar situations. I don't think he is being crap on purpose, he thinks he is doing a good job compared to how he was bought up. From what he has told me about his childhood I'm surprised he is still alive :( I don't think that's an excuse though. My mother was emotionally unavailable to me throughout my childhood (and adulthood) but it makes me try even harder to be emotionally there for my own DC.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

I really hope my post doesn't come across as unfeminist and irresponsible. I just pity the children of these awful men.

[nectarini1983]

Op and others...I could have written your posts myself. Am in exactly same boat, 3 kids with dp of 10 years and completely stuck. He takes coke regularly and drink drives and the thought of handing my kids over to him feels me with terror. I don't know what to do. Everything you said about neglectful lazy and selfish behaviour complete resonates with much situation, coupled with his ability to turn on the charm.in public and play the doting date.

I've started noting down examples.of all the things he does or doesn't do! And makes rather depressing reading when I see in black and white what I'm putting up with.

Have you got anyone in rl you can talk to. My friends are great but I isn't think they understand why I won't just leave. My mums great but doesn't know about his drug taking.

Such a horrible position to be in. It's almost a relief to know it's not just me.

[nectarini1983]

Ditto OP about thinking he's doing a good job compared to his upbringing..he thinks it's a dad at any costime just cos his wasn't around!

Jennifer- that's exactly what I'm scared of.

I feel so trapped sometimes that I do worry about the long term effects on my health and know full well that I'd be such a happier person and mummy if he was out of our lives.

[ihatebeingstuck]

nectarini1983 I'm so sorry that you are going through something similar too :( I have opened up to someone once in real life but they couldn't understand why I just didn't leave. It's the fear of what could happen to the DC that's stopping me. As sad as it is I am glad there are others who understand, I thought I was the only one in this type of situation.

[ihatebeingstuck]

nectarani1983 that's what my dp says if we argue, he says I'm doing better than my dad as at least I am here! And his mum wasn't great she just shoved them outside all the time and would beat him and his siblings. She never did anything fun with them. I don't see it as an excuse though, surely he would want to be the best dad he can? I also feel I would be a better mother without him, if he behaves badly it makes me short tempered with the kids. Luckily he is only around one day a week and 1 hour that they are awake in the evenings if at all. When he is not here I am so much happier.

[LagunaBubbles]

Do you want your children to grow up in this environment?

[ihatebeingstuck]

I feel that I am missing out on life by staying, but I care about my DC safety more than my happiness. It's such a horrible situation to be in. I'm going to bed now but I am going to set up a support thread tomorrow in relationships for those of us in the same situation (it might not be until night time when I get the chance to set it up) maybe we can help each other in some way xxx

[ihatebeingstuck]

No I don't want them to grow up in this environment but I feel the alternative is dangerous :(

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Do you want your children to grow up in this environment?

I don't think the OP is suggesting that it is ideal, but DH recognised that the alternative is potentially more dangerous for them.

My DM left my DF when I was 7 and DB was 5. He was OK as a dad and we had none of the issues that OP describes. However even on that situation it meant that we were palmed off on our GPs who didn't believe in emotional availability. Christmases were boring and sad because we knew DM would be missing us. It's a hell of a decision when it's simply a question of happiness, never mind safety and wellbeing.

[ihatebeingstuck]

I have nightmares that they go and stay with their dad and get killed in a car crash. Or another nightmare that I have often is he leaves them to play in the street and one of them gets kidnapped. Who on earth leaves a 3 year old out to play with a 7 year old responsible?? I feel like crying just typing this.

[nectarini1983]

Op - it is just horrendous isn't it. I often wonder if he's got bipolar or something as he's so up and down. His mums rubbish too and definitely not the full ticket so you'd think know it would make him the most doting father imaginable. Instead to seems to justify doing the bare minimum.

I'm the same with timings with dp and I feel so relieved when he works away. Me and the kids all just get along and enjoy being together. He can be nice with them but also very harsh and ott with discipline. I feel I have to almost spend time deprogramming the kids if they've been around him when he's been on one.

Laguna - of course not and Imy always thinking that I'm setting a bad example to my children. That it's OK for girls to be treated like this/ boys to treat girls like this. However in my own silly way I feel like I'm doing damage limitation but being there to protect them. If they were seeing him anyway with me ...God knows what they'd be subjected to.

I've spoken to citizens advice and they said that he'd be entitled to access to them. If have to prove he was taking drugs to stop access it by his taking a test...he shaves his bloody head so can't even prove that!

[nectarini1983]

Ditto with the driving concerns. He once too the kids to the local shop in the back of his van (drunk driving) to buy more beers told them not to tell me. When my son eventually told me the older 2 were really traumatised by it all.

He let's my room yo go bk and forwards to the garage (on main road) so I'm always terrified he'll get run over.

It's awful isn't it. How can we prove they're not fit to look after them!? There's got to be more than accepting that this is it

[Lovewineandchocs]

Please go and speak to a solicitor (one who specialises in family law and offers a free initial consultation preferably) at least then you will have a better idea of where you stand in terms of contact, also maintenance and other issues. for you.

[43percentburnt]

Could you report the dangerous driving and drug taking to the police anonymously whilst you are together? In fairness dangerous driving could kill innocent road users too this could be your reason for calling.

I think these situations are so sad. I do understand why you stay - even though it would be best to leave.

Can you afford to see a lawyer to get advice on building up a case? play the long game but gather evidence. Maybe post here on legal?

[Lorelei76]

OP do you have a dash cam in the car?
I have a friend who took her ex to court and she managed to get very restricted access because of his neglect, couple of family members had to verify it. He only has the child a couple of hours and I think the grandparents are present. I think someone official checks up but I don't know the details. Please get advice.

[ihatebeingstuck]

Thank you to everyone who posted last night, it helps to not feel totally alone. I am going to start a support thread over in relationships if anyone is in a similar situation and what's to join me? Maybe we can help each other in some way? Xxx

[Balanced12]

It's worth ringing the police about the driving issues, I rang the police they tool the registration, told me they would take time to follow when they spotted him. Worked well and we have not being stupid in the car as part of court order.

Sorry but the staying as I don't want the father having unsupervised access is the oldest excuse I've ever heard it's hard work but get out go to court record everything with every incident of stupidity go back to court. You can't let your children think it's ok to live with incompetence. Don't allow access until parenting courses, mediation court etc is complete and keep your fingers crossed he will get bored and walk away. He will tell everyone your an evillage witch who won't let him see his children and you can take them and live somewhere safe happy and chilled.

Please be proactive, good luck !

[Purplepicnic]

I feel for you OP, this must be very difficult.

Not ideal but can you make a plan to leave when your kids are a little bit older and therefore less at risk from things such as open windows, hot food etc. You're not going to be able to eliminate risk entirely (because he will always drive like a twat) but some of the risks will go away as they grow and become more verbal.

You could use the time to squirrel away some money and make a plan so when the times comes, you are ready.

[ihatebeingstuck]

That's what has always kept me going that once both DC were school age they would be less vulnerable to risk, plus I can go back to work to support us all and rent a house. I'm starting to feel really down though as it seems as they get older their are new risks, leaving them to play out alone, dangerous driving, going back to bed and leaving them on their own, taking them abroad (he loves holidays so I know he would want to do this, he encourages his seperated brother to take his kids on holiday even though the ex wife hates it) I can't imagine him neglecting them abroad, leaving a 4 and 8 year old to their own devices on a beach while he slept. I feel like I'm going round and round in circles when I try and think of a plan. If I even go to the shop the kids are in tears when I get home, he manages to upset them everytime he is left alone with him. He is like a third child and I hate him. My girls are so good and he just cannot see it. It breaks my heart.

[ihatebeingstuck]

That was supposed to say can and not can't. The thought of him abroad with them terrifies me.

[ihatebeingstuck]

balanced12 I am not trying to make excuses to stay. But when I hear of all the stories of men getting access despite poor parenting, neglect, drugs etc it feels like leaving is such a risk. What happens if he gets 50/50? At least if we live together the DC are only exposed to dh for an hour a day. And when he does something dangerous I can pull him up on it infront of the DC. I can somewhat control their upbringing as he is hardly involved. Where as if he got say 50/50 they would be neglected and possibly scared and upset for half the week. I can't take that risk. That's why I said I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.