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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think they are a bit young for this?

70 replies

Mollypollywolly · 17/07/2016 17:35

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu. Just wanting other people's views.

My son met his girlfriend 3 years ago when he was 17 and she was 16 so now they are 19 and 20. He told me last night that he was planning to propose to her.

I talked to him for a while about it and said I can't stop him and I will be happy for him but I feel like he might be too young and maybe unprepared for what comes after. Ideally I think they should look to living together for a while before a life long and expensive commitment like marriage so they can experience really being together in their own home. Sometimes relationships fall to pieces when you start living together.

His plan is to save now for the ring and propose in Feb next year on the date they first met so he does still have 6 months to think about it. They will still both be 19 and 20 though.

They are very happy together and I think she is a very lovely girl, me, my partner and my other son have a great relationship with her and from what I hear my sons dad and his family adore her too. I would love her to be my daughter in law.

Before anyone jumps on to say any of these things, this isn't anything to do with me trying to control my son or not liking his girlfriend and I personally don't see this as being overly involved in his life.

OP posts:

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 17/07/2016 18:39

Jesus Im with my partner since I was 17.

Were you married to his father? If so, when did you marry?

Elephants25 · 17/07/2016 18:42

I wouldn't do it, personally, but it's their life. It's ultimately their choice... I think you'll just need to support them.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 17/07/2016 18:43

They are young to get married but whatever age they are, however long they've known each other, if they live together beforehand or not or how much they are suited there's always that risk.
This risk can't be removed because when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them you don't know what'll happen next, or how you'll deal with it. No-one can take the risk out of love, getting a broken heart or worse. I guess that's why it's romantic to jump in with both feet. Advise them, wish them well and pick up the pieces if necessary.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 17/07/2016 18:47

It doesn't mean they'll get married straight away. I got together with DP when I was sixteen. Engaged at 18, pregnant & had a baby at 19, now 22 and been living together for 3 years, getting married in December. Plenty of people around us who got married young and are still together decades down the line, and stories of people who got married after 15 years together and divorced within 6 months - just to even out the stories of "young marriages that ended in disaster"

Chorister · 17/07/2016 18:51

I met DH when I was 18, he was 21.

We got engaged when I was 19 and he was 22.

We got married when I was 20 and he was 23.

We didn't live together before we got married (as good as but I went home every night!).

We have been married now for 15 years and I can't see anything changing! 😄

Arkwright · 17/07/2016 18:52

We got engaged after a few months at 19. Still together 20 years later.

Petal40 · 17/07/2016 18:57

Met my husband at the same age...25 yrs later still together....it's not for you to even have an opion on..it's his life.but out or he will resent you...I speek from experience..with my in laws.

Petal40 · 17/07/2016 18:59

By the way ,you are being controlling...why not post an AIBU about something in YOUR life.not his

Werkz · 17/07/2016 19:00

I think it's worth saying that I am in my early 40s and I know one person of my age that is still with the boyfriend/partner/husband of their late teens or early twenties (and I think the one relationship I do know is very conservative to the point where I think it's verging on oppressive).

My parents and grandparents generation is different, yes. My mum met my dad at 15 and she's been with him for forty years. Same goes for my aunt and uncles.

Personally, I think modern life changes so fast now that it's quite challenging for young people in a relationship to survive those mid twenties, early thirties, then "shit, I'm turning 40" perspective jumps.

I also have to say that everyone I know that got married before 25 is now divorced.

Personally, I'd support them living together and see what happens, with it in the back of your mind that the relationship might not make it to their 30s.

NapQueen · 17/07/2016 19:08

Dh and got together at 18. We are now 31 with a house/kids/marriage certificate.

We waited a loo ooooo g time before marrying but it wouldn't have changed the outcome had we married sooner.

It's his life.

Kwirrell · 17/07/2016 19:34

"I still worry about them". . Yup. Mine are all middled-aged and have very responsible jobs and although I would never tell them, I still fret about them. Worrying about your kids is the price you pay for loving them I guess.

happyhearts7 · 17/07/2016 19:38

My DH and I met when we were 18 and got engaged 10 weeks later. We got married 2 years later and are still very happily married 18 years later.
We did not live together before marriage as neither of us wanted too. We also bought our first home at the start of our marriage even though we were both low earners.
We have faced many obstacles in our marriage but they all seemed to just make us stronger!!

My DH's two siblings both married when they were older after living with their DPs first and both marriages are now over.

I honestly believe age has nothing to do with it!!

CPtart · 17/07/2016 19:57

For me, getting engaged means setting a wedding date. I know far too many people who've been engaged and separated eventually without ever getting married, which makes a farce of the whole thing.
The only two people I know who married young, lasted about 2 or 3 years. People together longer also divorce of course, but it's less likely. Unless they're planning on having children imminently I don't see the point of considering marriage at all yet. They've still so much growing and changing to do.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 17/07/2016 20:06

I got married at 21 it was a fucking disaster. But it was my mistake to make and all part of the rich tapestry of life.

marblestatue · 17/07/2016 21:12

I can't help but worry sometimes.

That's completely natural and it means you care about them!

Sugarlightly · 17/07/2016 21:23

Not really about age, but situation.

If your DS is in a position to support his GF (and the other way around) then there really shouldn't be any issues.

I personally think (only for me and my situation, really NOT putting this on anyone else) that being in love means you should want to get married, not that you have to. I've been with my current partner for 4 years, and been living together 6 months. No plans to get married soon, as we are both doing really well and enjoying our lives, careers etc without any added stress

I find it difficult to understand why people my age would want to get married or engaged but that's my own issue and not anyone else's.

corythatwas · 17/07/2016 22:18

I know quite a few people in my own generation (early 50s) who are still in the same relationship as they entered in their late teens (come to think of it I am one of them), and also some people of my niece's generation (late 20s).

Re engagements, dh and I were engaged for 6 years before able to even being able to live in the same country: didn't make a farce of anything to me. We were certainly not in a situation to be able to marry when we met and fell in love 4 years prior to the engagement, nor for the 6 years of the engagement.

I think what I am really trying to say is, people have all sorts of different life experience and they each have to make their own experiences. Parents are wise to keep their concerns to themselves unless there is actual abuse. My parents probably weren't greatly impressed by this brief teenage holiday romance turning into 10 years of waiting for a home together, but their comments would not have made any difference to us and would have made them unhappy.

Rumpelstiltskin143 · 17/07/2016 22:25

Met my husband when I was 16, engaged at 17, married at nineteen, 48 years next year.

Vixyboo · 17/07/2016 22:33

I was 22 when I met my dp. We have been together for ten years. We are not married. We own a house together and have a 2 year old gorgeous ds. Marriage works for some. For us it is not important. I doubt we will ever get married. People assume we are and call me Mrs X anyway! I joke they have saved us money!! But my point is different things make different people happy. For them this could be important and work well. At the monent your ds obviously sees you as trustworthy and someone he can talk to, whatever happens keep the lines of communication open with him. That is so very precious.

Luna2016 · 17/07/2016 22:33

Me and my DH met whent we were 5in the same school, didn't go out untill he asked me out when I was 16 and he was 15 turning 16. Got engaged at 19 on a trip to Disney land, booked wedding at 20 and married at 21.

It's surprising how people said "aren't you too young?". But it's what we both wanted and I wouldn't had it any other way.

treaclesoda · 17/07/2016 22:54

DH and I are 40 and have been together for 23 years. Even at 19 we knew that we planned to marry in the future, and we did so when we were 23. In contrast to other posters on the thread, the people I know who have married young have stayed together. People did think we were too young to settle down, and that we should 'try out' other people but our logic was that we were happy together and it would have been madness to throw that away on the offchance that there might be someone else out there. I mean, undoubtedly there probably is someone else out there, I don't believe that there is only one suitable partner per person, but when you've already found one who's suitable, then why not just go for it?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 17/07/2016 22:54

YANBU. It's natural to be concerned about this. On here there may be many stories where this worked put but there will be many many that didn't.

I met DH at 18, engaged at 20 and married just before I was 22. I was older than me.

I6 years later we are still together, have 2 children and a house but I honestly wish I hadn't settled down so young.

My cousin did the same. They actually split for a while as she said she was too young to settle down but next minute they got back together, got married and had a child. Less than 2 years later they split up. They were definitely too young despite not thinking so at the time.

treaclesoda · 17/07/2016 22:56

I also think it's quite weird that these days people are shocked at, for example, a pair of 22 year olds getting married, whereas a pair of 22 year olds having a baby is totally unremarkable (as it should be). Yet having a baby ties you to someone for the rest of your life in a way that even marriage doesn't.

treaclesoda · 17/07/2016 22:59

That's a general pondering by me, btw, not aimed at other posters, it was just a thought that has crossed my mind a few times.

JemimaMuddledUp · 17/07/2016 23:12

DH and I met in the first year of university and got engaged at the end of the final year. I was 24 when we got married. Everyone said we were too young. Still happily married 14 years later.

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