To think they are a bit young for this?

[Mollypollywolly]

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu. Just wanting other people's views.

My son met his girlfriend 3 years ago when he was 17 and she was 16 so now they are 19 and 20. He told me last night that he was planning to propose to her.

I talked to him for a while about it and said I can't stop him and I will be happy for him but I feel like he might be too young and maybe unprepared for what comes after. Ideally I think they should look to living together for a while before a life long and expensive commitment like marriage so they can experience really being together in their own home. Sometimes relationships fall to pieces when you start living together.

His plan is to save now for the ring and propose in Feb next year on the date they first met so he does still have 6 months to think about it. They will still both be 19 and 20 though.

They are very happy together and I think she is a very lovely girl, me, my partner and my other son have a great relationship with her and from what I hear my sons dad and his family adore her too. I would love her to be my daughter in law.

Before anyone jumps on to say any of these things, this isn't anything to do with me trying to control my son or not liking his girlfriend and I personally don't see this as being overly involved in his life.

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

I haven't RTFT (sorry!) but just wanted to chuck my two pennies in..

DH and I started seeing each other when I was 17 and he was 21. We're still together nine and a bit years later, have been married for six years and have three children.

Also, my brother is engaged to one of my best friends. They we're seeing each other on and off for a couple years from the age of 15/16 but it became more serious when she left to go to university. He proposed three years ago (she was 21, he was 22) and they're still together, not married, and are saving for a deposit for a house before they tie the knot.

So it can work out sometimes OP. Maybe speak to your son and just gently remind him that being engaged doesn't necessarily have to mean organising a wedding..?

[Mollypollywolly]

By the way ,you are being controlling...why not post an AIBU about something in YOUR life.

I'm not in any way controlling. I've not told him not to do it or tried to control any aspect of this. I've told him I will support him and be happy for them whatever they do. I am just a concerned mother. And as for posting about something in my life, funny enough my sons are in my life and what they do and feel does effect me and probably will continue to until I'm, well, dead basically.

Me and my sons dad never married. I was 18 and he was 24 when we had my eldest son and 20 and 26 with my youngest son. He left when my youngest was 2 to be with his current wife and her family. I guess because I had my kids young and it did not work out I am half expecting that to happen my son too. Although I doubt it will and hope it does not.

Thank you all for your replies, opinions and stories. All very appriciated. I will be there for my son 100% of the way for sure and will be a very happy mother, MIL and grandmother if they do marry and have a family. X

[Tangofandango]

I met my DH when I was just 19. We got engaged six weeks later and married 6 months after that. We have just celebrated our 42nd anniversary (and we didn't live together beforehand as it was very frowned upon!).

It hasn't always been easy and there have been times when we've each thought about leaving. But those times haven't been bad enough to actually make us go through with it.

If they both realise that once the romantic glow has worn off and they both need to work at the relationship all the time and talk things through together, then hopefully they will have a long, happy married life.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Molly. There's always one. Ignore ignore ignore...

Funny that isn't it, that whole 'being a parent' thing...lasting your whole life. Who'd have thought eh!? 😂

[AppleJac]

My friend is in a similar situation.

Had a baby as she just turned 18. Got her own rented house before the birth of the baby. Has just announced she has got engaged, and the wedding is early next year all booked. She will only just be 21 years old when she gets married.

Hes her first boyfriend and i do think she may regret rushing everything and doing things so young.

[Nellyphants]

Ok I'm. Going to go against some of the views here, I was with my ex h at 16 married at 20, way too young. When. I was going to get married I was full of doubts but felt seeing ad o priomised. Express your viws

[sycamore54321]

While there are many examples of early marriage that work out, I do not think I have ever heard of someone regret not getting married young. I would also be concerned that, if he is planning this as a surprise, it might be enough to freak the young woman out entirely and do damage to their relationship, rather than the effect he intended. At their ages, I think it is still significant that she is a year younger - if you look at it one way, he has been an adult for twice as long as she has. Especially if as well as age, she finished school a year later.

While of course you shouldn't interfere, you could caution him that the vast majority of teenagers would not be expecting their boyfriend, however much in love since a young age, to propose. That sort of pressure could be immense. And even if she accepted, I imagine she'd feel huge pressure from her family and peers in their reactions.

Worst case scenario of no proposing is they wait a few years and get engaged then, and miss out on an early wedding. A divorce is a tough tough thing to go through and follows you around for the rest of your life, if they find at age 23 or 30 that they are no longer compatible.

[CPtart]

^ I agree re the pressure thing. My cousin's boyfriend killed himself when she declined his surprise proposal at 21. Tragic.

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Could they be planning a long engagement? Don't most couples nowadays get engaged and then have at least a year, if not more to save and plan the wedding?
My DH was my first ever boyfriend. I was 16 when I met him.
We rented our first house together when I was 18, he proposed when I had just turned 19, and we were married 6 months later....had our Dd 10 months after that, and am now pregnant with DC2 14 months after that, and we are living in our 4th house together. I'm 21, DH is 26. Celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary last month.

[Fairylea]

Well they are a bit young in my opinion but going out on a limb here (and lots won't agree) does it really matter if they get married and it goes wrong? Divorce isn't the end of the world, I've been divorced and gone on to remarry happily. I was with dds dad from when I was 17-23 and we got engaged and the whole works and then when we had dd it all fell apart. I think we were too young to cope with a baby really- not saying everyone is at that age but we were. You live, love and learn. It's all part of life.

[DurhamDurham]

My youngest is 19 and lives with her boyfriend, they're both at Uni ( not he same one ) and we treat it like a flat share whilst being realistic about that fact that they are living as a couple. I have come to terms with it better than my husband, she is young to be living with so one but she is doing well as Uni and seems happy.
Who knows what will happen in the future, I haven't heard them talk about engagement or marriage but I hope they wait a few years for that.

[branofthemist]

I was engaged at 18, married at twenty. We have 2 kids and going to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary this week.

If our marriage ended tomorrow, I would still consider it a success. We have raised 2 kids and are best friends. We have had a great 16 years together. Not perfect. But great.

It may be a mistake, but it's his to make.

[Spandexpanties]

You need to support him in whatever adult decisions he makes. They clearly love each other and want to be together.

Respect his decision. your job is to support him through his successes and failures. He needs to make his own mistakes

[ohtheholidays]

YANBU! I was the girl in that relationship,I was 18 and he was 20 when we got married,my parents thought it was a great idea

Worst decision I ever made,we spent a fortune(well mainly me he wanted to get married but was crap with money)we were together for 9 years but I lost so much in that relationship.

I really wish I could go back and do things differently,I went from living with my parents to living with my then husband.I missed out on getting to live on my own or with friends,I missed out on going travelling with friends,I missed out on getting to grow up at a normal pace,I went from being a teenager to being a wife overnight.

I divorced him 9 years into the relationship,we'd been married for 7 years and had 2DS.The one thing I don't regret is my sons,but the marriage wasn't good and he made the divorce hell.

It's not only about living together before they're married we did that,it would be good for them both to live independently of each other and they're parents before they start living together.

If it was just me I'd be more inclined to think it can work but I have several friends that I went to school with that did the same as me and for all of them it all ended in divorce as well.

[butterflylove16]

Dh & I met at 18 & 19, got engaged at 20 & 21 & married 6 months later at 20 & 22. We are still young ( 23 & 25), but extremely happy & have a little baby girl. I understand your concerns, as I don't think it's what my parents would have chosen for me at the time, but I really think it's more to do with having a mature relationship with good communication than age. At the suggestion of our vicar we did some pre marriage counselling with him, as we were so young. At the time I didn't really want to do it but very glad we did now as it helped to prepare us for the issues that inevitably come up during marriage. It's only been 3 years so I know cynical people may think I'm being naive, but I don't regret my decision for a moment & feel confident about our future together. Even if it didn't work out, that would be on us, & I respect & appreciate my family's support although I know they secretly wish I had waited sometimes.

[Ragwort]

I absolutely share your concerns and yes, I am happy to admit that I would be very disappointed if my DS got married, or even lived with someone, at such a young age. I think your teens/twenties are for exploring all that life has to offer ............ and not just for 'being with one partner'. I do appreciate that many happily married couples met when they were very young but in my experience most couples who got together (including three in my own family) split up as they grew older - and they weren't amicable splits. Meanwhile all these young people all missed out on education/travel/career etc opportunities.

[ZansForCans]

I think there's nothing wrong with a note of caution OP. He does sound sensible, and it is his life but if you had piled in with getting excited and looking at wedding outfits, he'd be under pressure and it would be hard to change his mind. He knows you care about him and you've given him your thoughts - as long as you don't go on about it or do a cat's bum mouth when it happens etc., that's OK. If he proves you wrong, all well and good.

I agree they could have a longer engagement and live together before marrying, that would be good, as long as the girlfriend is up for that too.

[Anonymouses]

In my friendship group everyone who got married under 25 is still married. Some got married as young as 19, most around 20-22. Most of us are now hitting our late 30's.

You've said your bit now step back, carry on as usual and take comfort that being young doesn't mean everything will be a disaster.

[Anonymouses]

In my friendship group everyone who got married under 25 is still married. Some got married as young as 19, most around 20-22. Most of us are now hitting our late 30's.

You've said your bit now step back, carry on as usual and take comfort that being young doesn't mean everything will be a disaster.

[panegyricS1]

There are several celebrity examples of relationships that started young, working out well - Gareth Bale, Andy Murray, Paula Radcliffe, Jess Ennis-Hill, Prince William, Theresa May, Eddie Redmayne spring to mind. I think that sometimes it can be helpful to meet your partner when you're young, it saves hassle in your twenties and thirties, allowing you to focus on work or whatever. I didn't enjoy being single at 25, I envied friends who'd settled down, and I made a bit of a fool of myself and got stupidly upset over men at times. And there's something nice about doing the "firsts" together - my friend and her husband-to-be qualified as doctors on the same day in 1999, another friend's husband-to-be was there when she opened her A Level results, and they'd passed their driving tests within a month of each other as well. That shared history is cool. I'd like my kids to be settled by 25. However, they must choose their own paths.