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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ruined marriage

44 replies

meadowbrook · 17/07/2016 16:48

I have got myself into 12k worth lof debt and not been paying the mortgage my husband has just found out. Understandablly he has gone absolutely mental he will be bale to get us out of the mess in 6 months with tightening our purse strings. He has said that he is only still in the house because of 3dc til he gets out of the mess then he prob will leave. He also lost his father 7 weeks ago. Im at my wits end i really really want him to forgive me and try & make it work. He is a great husband and a fantastic father. Any advice

OP posts:

MrsUnderwood · 17/07/2016 16:49

How did you end up in debt?

LotsOfShoes · 17/07/2016 16:51

You need to give more detail. Why did you keep it from him? And why did you stop paying the mortgage? This is quite a big betrayal in my opinion, you'll need to really work on this for him to forgive you. I'm not sure I could forgive DH if he did that.

squoosh · 17/07/2016 16:51

It's a pretty big financial betrayal. How long has it taken for you to build up this £12,000 debt?

Original poster

meadowbrook · 17/07/2016 16:53

It was mostly credit cards that he thought the balance was cleared on. I have been payin the mortgage but it was bein paid late resulting in it affecting our credit score

OP posts:

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 17/07/2016 16:55

All you can really do is show/say how sorry you are and do everything you can to cut back on expenditure to help clear the debt asap

What on earth possessed you to do this and what have you spent the money on?

OreosAreTasty · 17/07/2016 16:55

I can't give you any sympathy tbh.
Just say sorry, try to help get out of this mess (sell some of your things, pick up more hours etc) and respect whatever decisions he makes

LifeHuh · 17/07/2016 16:56

Are you saying he will be able to get you out of the mess in 6 months with a bit of purse string tightening? Because that sounds as if he has plenty of spare cash - we are comfortable but we couldn't clear that amount in that time.
Or have I misunderstood? Obviously not paying the mortgage is a big deal - why did you not feel able to talk about it?

ScarletForYa · 17/07/2016 16:57

What did you spend the money on?

RhiWrites · 17/07/2016 16:57

What did you put on the credit cards?

Mouikey · 17/07/2016 16:57

Firstly ensure you have the best interest rates... so balance transfer any funds onto a single credit card or loan which is cheaper interest wise. 6 months to clear £12k is really optimistic unless you are a high earner, maybe try to do over 2 - 5 years (go see the moneysavingexpert website for some advice).

If credit card debt, cut the cards up - immediately.

What is your downfall? mine was always clothes and shoes (and maybe a holiday here and there!). Try to avoid temptation. I had significantly more debt than you (its not a competition!!), but once it was repaid I can't tell you how good it felt and what a weight was lifted. This is the first step to get it sorted.

He will forgive you, but be sensible, make changes to ensure you don't add to the debt. Also prioritise, get a bank account for the important stuff, so that always gets paid off (mortgage/rent, utilities, council tax, debt) and a second one so you do have some disposable income (if possible).

You;re biggest issue is non-payment of mortgage, go into the bank to discuss options as this will have huge impact on future mortgage deals.

Another opportunity for help is the CAB.

Good luck... it feels relentless no doubt, but you will get through it xx

branofthemist · 17/07/2016 16:58

What did you spend the money on?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 17/07/2016 16:58

It was mostly credit cards that he thought the balance was cleared on.

Yeah, but what were you spending the CCs on?? Were you paying the mortgage on the CC?

EarthboundMisfit · 17/07/2016 17:01

Was the CC debt on 'extras' or basic spending?

OurBlanche · 17/07/2016 17:05

Before you cut up the cards, before you throw yourself on your sword, promise to be a good girl and do much better... what did you spend the money on?

It makes a difference to the advice you will get. If you want to sort this properly then you need to tell someone the whole truth. I am not saying that should be here, though you may get some good advice on where to go to get help managing both the debt and any possible spending issue.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 17/07/2016 17:06

To be honest I'd be really annoyed about the debt and dishonesty but could possibly move past it if the money had been spent on family things. But if it was family spending then surely he would've noticed and asked how you were affording them?

The mortgage is more difficult. Essentially as your dishonesty and mis spending of family money could have left both of you and your children with no roof over your heads and and lost you any money you'd invested in your home. I'm not sure I could forgive that part.

e1y1 · 17/07/2016 17:07

This really is going to be a case of actions speaking louder than words.

You say your DH will bale you out with 6 months belt tightening? Are you able to make any contributions?

Depending on what the CC debt was for will also impact - if it was non-essential purchases (bags,shoes perfume etc) - selling some of them to raise funds even part used perfumes raise quite a bit on ebay - I made 250 selling a few bottles, (you won't however, get what you paid for them) but that 250 or whatever, can go directly on the debt or free up money from the houskeeping to ease the burden. Just the action of doing this will show you are committed to helping clear the mess you have created.

Unfortunately, what has happened is a breach of trust, so to build that trust back, will take time. I know you are sorry, you will have even told DH this, but you now have to show him you are sorry.

If he is going to be working OT to raise extra money, making him a nice meal for when has some free time, or even allowing him a drink out with friends (perhaps paid from money you raise either selling stuff or working), will show you appreciate what he is doing to essentially save your home.

He is not going to be in a good place for a while, as he now has the debt burden and may feel he is working/going without things for something you have done. If that is not managed carefully, resentment takes hold and that can be catastrophic to the marriage.

chocolateworshipper · 17/07/2016 17:08

Go straight to the Citizens Advice Bureaux tomorrow and ask for help

airforsharon · 17/07/2016 17:10

I was going to ask the same as Earthbound - what were you using the cards for? If you were using them because you had to (food, utilities) then you have a much bigger problem.......And yes, if he can clear that much debt in 6 months then he either has sizeable savings and/or a decent job.

Are you working? How are the household finances usually worked out between you?

Pinkheart5915 · 17/07/2016 17:11

I can understand why your DH is upset by this I would be the same If my DH had run up a 12k credit card debt and not bothered to tell.

In time if my DH made an effort to sort the bloody mess out I probably would forgive just wouldn't let him control finances for a while.

Your marriage may well not be ruined espically if you try your best to sort the mess you created, but if you've been spending on silly things that aren't needed you might need help for a spending addiction if you was spending it on needed things ( clothes for children that were needed, food) you need to discuss why you used a credit card instead of money it sounds like you have if your able to clear 12k in 6 months

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/07/2016 17:13

Have you posted about this before op? Forgive me but I remember a similar post where the op had run up debt because their h was extremely financially controlling.

airforsharon · 17/07/2016 17:15

Lumpy it's ringing a big old bell with me too, that's why i'm querying what she's been spending it on.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 17/07/2016 17:15

Are you both working and contributing to the household finances, or is he the sole earner? Was he giving money every month for mortgage, bills, food, clothes etc?

Sorry for all the questions but it's a confusing situation. If he was paying all or his portion of the above bills and it was sufficient to cover then I don't understand how this happened. If he wasn't then he doesn't have any right to be cross.

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 17/07/2016 17:16

Tbh I'd have the same reaction as your husband if the shoe was on the other foot.
What on earth did you do with the money and how long has this been going on for? A 12k debt doesn't happen overnight.

MephistoMarley · 17/07/2016 17:17

Are you the poster whose Dh gives her an inadequate allowance meaning you spend on the credit card for household expenses?

OurBlanche · 17/07/2016 17:17

Same here Lumpy which is why I too am asking...

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