Ruined marriage

[meadowbrook]

Hi

I have got myself into 12k worth lof debt and not been paying the mortgage my husband has just found out. Understandablly he has gone absolutely mental he will be bale to get us out of the mess in 6 months with tightening our purse strings. He has said that he is only still in the house because of 3dc til he gets out of the mess then he prob will leave. He also lost his father 7 weeks ago. Im at my wits end i really really want him to forgive me and try & make it work. He is a great husband and a fantastic father. Any advice

[PollyPerky]

I think the OP has run away as she doesn't want to answer some questions.

[Believeitornot]

What are your finances like? How do you manage as a couple?

Me and dh pay everything in to one account and bills come out of it so there's no way one of us could not pay bills without the other noticing.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Dsil did this to dbil, but refused to explain exactly where the money went and didn't do anything to help fix it herself. Marriage lasted 2 years, not good ones.

[PollyPerky]

I think it's a bit premature to give lessons in how to budget, though it's well meaning.

More to the point is how can her DH find £500 a week by belt tightening ? Doesn't add up really unless they spending madly each month.

If he thinks there is that much slack in the monthly outgoings- why?

OP- £12K may sound a fortune but I know a few people who have racked up 3 x that and come out of it ok.

But you need to communicate with your DH. If there was £2K amonth being spent when it's not essential, then why didn't you tell him that you had overspentand couldn't afford the mortgage- and surely if you are joint owners, he'd know about it anyway if letters were addressed to both of you from your mortgage provider.

All a bit odd.

[WellErrr]

.

[MassiveStrumpet]

Six months of tightening the belt isn't the end of the world, op.

[CammieKennaway]

Oh dear - having a go at you isn't going to help as you probably feel so miserable and afraid right now.
Firstly you need to sit down with your hubby and have a very frank and honest talk about bills and other expenditure and write down a clear list of all bills per month, how much they are and when they come out of your bank account - you then need to prove to him that you're going to do your damned hardest to resolve this. Cut up the cards infront of him. Contact your creditors and explain the situation (some may cut the interest so the payments you're making aren't just scraping the interest off but leaving the debt). Contact Citizens Advice and go onto the Martin Lewis moneyexpert site.

Do you work? If so can you manage to do any overtime? Even a little helps.
Join a cashback site like Quidco so that you can get some cashback on certain things.
Have a big declutter and sell anything you don't use/need/want.
Alter your monthly groceries - bulk buy things like washing powder, cleaning products, teabags etc as it works out cheaper and get some recipes on easy, cheap, home-cooked meals that only take around 25 minutes to do including prep and cooking, go a brand lower etc - I often opt for the own brand washing up liquid, conditioner, disinfectant, bread etc etc.

6 months does seem very optimistic especially if your credit score is damaged. I currently owe £3,000 due to having massive vet bills to save a critically ill puppy that I took on and even though I have a decently paid job and am doing quite a lot of overtime, it's still going to take me a year at least to clear it (but the very healthy bundle of fur makes me not regret my debt but I'm also looking forward to having it paid off and gone as interest rates are silly and paying the minimum really doesn't work which is why it's worth you seeing if you can have the interest frozen.

Good luck and don't lose hope - your hubby will be livid at you right now and he'll be extremely worried but if he sees you making a real effort and if he really loves you, then you can get through this together and learn from it and then enjoy your marriage again. x

[emilybrontescorset]

Unless your dh has been very controlling financially, you have done a terrible thing.
All this on top of his father dying must be almost unbearable for him.

The only thing you can do is change. Whether he sticks around to find out If you can is entirely Upto him.

[branofthemist]

I suspect the OP wanted advice on how to make her DH stick around,

but the advice would be different if she spent the money gambling or pissed it away, or if she has been using it as she has no access to money.

[PollyPerky]

OP I do hope you will be able to come back.. Posters are trying to help you but there is clearly a lot that we don't know. if you need help, contact Women's Aid or the CAB, and get advice.

[PollyPerky]

I suspect the OP wanted advice on how to make her DH stick around, not explain her finances. Let's see if you come back OP....

[Two4601]

Do you have any equity in your home? When my marriage broke down I was left with circa £30k debt. There was no way I could pay it off so I remortgaged to the max to clear the debts. It means I'm still paying the debts through the mortgage but it makes the repayments manageable.

[Sparklesilverglitter]

So many questions OP

Do you pay for the house alone? Does he give you money?
What did you spend the money on things that weren't needed or essentials (food,utilities) ?

As pp say your marriage may well not be over that could just be a knee jerk reaction to the keeping 12k of debt a secret. Not only did you create a large debt you lied to him but if it was my DH that done it in time if he made every effort to put things right I would forgive.

[PollyPerky]

There are so many unanswered questions here and I hope you come back OP.

What I'm not getting is if these are personal CC for your own spending, why they are having such a huge impact on the mortgage payments? Are you paying off the CC each month and not leaving enough to pay the mortgage? if so, why don't you reduce the payments on the CC to the minimum? Yes, you will be hit with a huge amount of interest, so the sensible thing is for your DH to pay off the CCs and then you pay him back as you can.

And why is he living in a house where you pay the mortgage? Does he not earn? How do you divide your money?

[lifeisunjust]

A bit more information would help.
My husband ran off and left me 34.5k savings spent, 46k debt, me on part time job. I wasn't a big spender before but for the last 3 years, children have worn 2nd hand donated clothes, total money spent eating out about £100 for 5 of us, no proper holidays, I don't drink or smoke, even things like printer ink, paper have been considered luxuries. Went from 1 part time job to 3 jobs totalling about 50 hours a week average and no holiday weeks at all.
12k is a hell of a lot of money, as others have said, it depends on what you've spent it on, but it might need also some gigantesque effort on your part to pay it back meaning working when the children are asleep, taking any casual work possible, completely stopping all clothes buying, never going out to eat, no takeaways, no alchohol. Doing an audit of spending will help you to find out where you can cut back.
If someone had said 3 years ago I would spend the next 3 years paying off 46k of debt left by someone else, I would have laughed uncontrollably, my annual income at the time was about 15k including children benefit.
When you HAVE to do something to pay off debt to be able to keep your home, you will succeed.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Concealed Debt is a major issue for me. I wouldn't like it at all.

Unless it is as a result of financial abuse, in which case you need to be leaving him

[PollyPerky]

Also, if he can pay off the debt- 12K- in 6 months, that is £2K a month he has either floating about each month, or he has a nest egg, which maybe you don't know about, or you are overspending hugely as a couple if you can cut back to the tune of £2K a month - that's £500 a week- so how do you both plan to do that? It doesn't make sense that he can find that sort of money and you have run up a large debt.

Do you have a joint account and who earns what?

[PollyPerky]

why are YOU managing the payments for the mortgage - alone? Is the house in joint names? Why is the mortgage coming out of your account and not his? or isn't it? I don't really get what's happened.
How do you know your credit score has been affected? Have you been contacted by the CC company or the mortgage provider?

[OurBlanche]

Same here Lumpy which is why I too am asking...

[MephistoMarley]

Are you the poster whose Dh gives her an inadequate allowance meaning you spend on the credit card for household expenses?

[RedHareWithBlondeHair]

Tbh I'd have the same reaction as your husband if the shoe was on the other foot.
What on earth did you do with the money and how long has this been going on for? A 12k debt doesn't happen overnight.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

Are you both working and contributing to the household finances, or is he the sole earner? Was he giving money every month for mortgage, bills, food, clothes etc?

Sorry for all the questions but it's a confusing situation. If he was paying all or his portion of the above bills and it was sufficient to cover then I don't understand how this happened. If he wasn't then he doesn't have any right to be cross.

[airforsharon]

Lumpy it's ringing a big old bell with me too, that's why i'm querying what she's been spending it on.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Have you posted about this before op? Forgive me but I remember a similar post where the op had run up debt because their h was extremely financially controlling.