To want to take in this young lad?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

N/c regular, to protect this lad's identity.

My partner and I (he far more than me) are involved in a youth organisation. There's a young man (N) who my partner has known for a number of years who is currently 16/17. He is a fabulous young person but is currently experiencing a lot of turbulence at home, his stepfather is violent and unpredictable and has lately been staying with family members. I don't want to go into identifying detail but what I've been told about his stepfather's behaviour is really worrying. However my partner has heard rumours that he is now staying in some kind of hostel and is extremely worried about his wellbeing.

He intends to establish exactly what N's living situation is, but if he is in a hostel we have discussed offering him a place to live with us until he is ready to go to university. I have two younger children and therefore a few concerns about how we will all run along together but I am willing to offer him a home.

I have no idea about the legalities of this, about any benefits etc he may be able to claim, or indeed any experience of dealing with teenagers, but I trust N and want yo help him. We have a spare room which is set apart from the rest of the house so he would have some privacy and space. He is currently at college and studying.

Would you do this? Can anyone offer any thoughts on any legal requirements of us, would we have to inform social services as he's technically still a child? What could he claim if he lived here (I've no intention of rinsing him for rent but if he could contribute for food etc it would help our already stretched budget). Help and thoughts much appreciated.

In answer to the whiners knocking my earlier post. This:

"Ive just taken in another 16 year old which hasnt been good timing because my marriage is going pear shaped atm"

Angry, I'm still a bit confused. You SEEM to be suggesting that my partner, who is an adult in a happy heterosexual relationship, who is DBS checked and in a position of trust and authority with young people, would only be motivated to reach out and support this young lad because he is harbouring a clandestine crush on him and wants to bring him into our home so he can further that fantasy?

If that's really what you're suggesting, can I suggest that you stop watching so many soaps as they've not only severed your tether to reality, but to any grasp of decency and propriety.

I mean, really, how fucking dare you cast those aspersions? Kindly FOTTFSOF.

Jeez angry, my marriage issues are nothing to do with the DC in the house so please don't use that to justify your earlier post!

Sorry OP. I realise that I messed up in my original post. I intended to refer to the effect that bringing this teenager into your home would have on the relationship between you and your partner.

Although, to be perfectly candid, I am always a bit wary of any men who get involved with young people in situations other than (i) the man is in the role in a full time employed capacity and (ii) the man gets involved because he has children himself participating. I have seen too many cases involving priests, youth leaders, swimming coaches that have either abused children or had improper/unhealthy relationships with children. Maybe I am a cynical bitch but that's my approach.

That's not cynical, that's sexist and downright fucking offensive. Unless you harbour the same suspicions about female volunteers in similar roles?

Not to the same extent. Statistically men are many more times likely to abuse children. Unfortunately, reality is sexist. Sorry that offends you.

Angry, yes a cynical bitch and completely paranoid. Not really sure how you manage to function in a society where there's men TBH. Hope you don't pass your nasty and dangerous attitudes on to your children.

Are you Andrea Leadsom??

FWIW DP is involved in the organisation as he was a member himself as a youth and benefited hugely from all the volunteers (overwhelmingly male, none of them with DC involved) who gave him opportunities to better himself; and he decided as an adult to give something back so that young people could enjoy the benefits he did (they are chronically understaffed). He gives a lot of his spare time, doesn't get paid, doesn't claim expenses to ease pressure on their finances, is well respected by the young people involved and has categorically never been attracted to or sexually abused any of them.

I can't believe I felt the need to justify that

Really Angry that is incredibly offensive to OP partner and I think if you've only got comments like that to make you should pop off to watch another soap and become a little more cynical

Yes, I am Andrea Leadsom. I would have thought that is obvious from my username.

OP, I think you should take him in if you are able to. So many times, people are held back from doing the right thing because of petty bureaucracy. This boy is in need of a family, and you are being very kind in wanting to help. If you take him in, he could do you proud. Fightingback, you must be so proud of the boys you've helped, and its especially lovely that you say that they are still part of the family.
If more people were like you, our society would be a far happier place to be!

angryeumigrant, I've been on MN the past hour and this is the third thread where you have upset posters!!

ignore this poster op, they arent worth it

OP what wonderful kind hearts you and your dp have, it's refreshing to know people like you are still in this world.

In your postion I don't know what I would do, As his in a hostel he may be better off there as they will look at permanent housing later down the line and he could miss out on that If he moves in with you but I don't know how the system works with things like that.
I would certainly have him over for tea so I knew he had a good meal 1-2 times a week, I'd offer to help him with budgeting and learn his a few basic meals and of course offer a listening ear.

OP just ignore Angry she clearly is just a goady Fucker and best ignored

To really offer him support you need to give him more than a room in your home. Money will be involved too

MrsDevere and weewaspie know what they're talking about.

It's lovely you want to help this lad but do make sure you're clued up first about what help is on offer from SS, how not to jeopardise that and how best to complement it, taking into account the boy's own wishes, of course.

Longer term, there are schemes run by some local authorities and charities where you can provide a room for a 16-18 y/o and get proper support to help them get on their feet. It's probably not practical in terms of timescale for this boy but there are lots of young people like him, if that's something that would interest you?

for your DH. A lot of youngsters desperately need good male role models. Sounds like he's doing a brilliant job.

OP I applaud your and your DH's sentiment but before offering this young person anything, please ascertain the details
Of his living circumstances etc. As previous posters have stated, could do more harm than good in the long run re:future housing etc. Also, could you be regular supportive features in his life as an alternative? As someone who worked with resettling teenagers into independent accomodation, this will benefit him immensely in my experience. Best of luck

So I thought I'd pop back with an update as you were all so helpful.

DP and I have spoken to N - the 3rd party report that he was in a hostel was inaccurate, he had gone home and a further incident of violence ensued and he and his mum both left, spent a night in a refuge and are now staying together with family.

He is ok, I think he's very pleased his mum has escaped the situation too, and they are securely housed until his mum sorts out longer term plans. They are a bit overcrowded and he's been staying the odd night with one of his close friends, and spending time together to do college work; so DP ha told him he is welcome at ours at time he needs peace and quiet and can use our office to study or join us for dinner or spend the( night if he needs a break. He is doing ok and is much happier knowing his mum is safe.

Thanks again for the support and advice.

That sounds like a great outcome, if very difficult for them in the short term.

You are very kind.

Glad he's OK and that his mum is now safe too

This is the scheme I was thinking of in my previous post. It looks like more of a short-term emergency bed for the night scheme. If you wanted to offer longer term support for a young person I'd imagine that would come under fostering. You could enquire with your LA if you were interested?

Thanks for updating is OP. I'm sure N is glad for your support and inviting him round for a dinner every couple of weeks to build up the relationship is probably still a good thing. Good luck to you all, especially N

Good news. Lets hope lad and Mum are supported to move on quickly so they can start afresh together.

As above if you did want to consider doing something like that, you could look into fostering or supported lodgings (which is a lot more hands off as its usually for 16+ young people trying to build their skills to live independently)