To want to take in this young lad?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

N/c regular, to protect this lad's identity.

My partner and I (he far more than me) are involved in a youth organisation. There's a young man (N) who my partner has known for a number of years who is currently 16/17. He is a fabulous young person but is currently experiencing a lot of turbulence at home, his stepfather is violent and unpredictable and has lately been staying with family members. I don't want to go into identifying detail but what I've been told about his stepfather's behaviour is really worrying. However my partner has heard rumours that he is now staying in some kind of hostel and is extremely worried about his wellbeing.

He intends to establish exactly what N's living situation is, but if he is in a hostel we have discussed offering him a place to live with us until he is ready to go to university. I have two younger children and therefore a few concerns about how we will all run along together but I am willing to offer him a home.

I have no idea about the legalities of this, about any benefits etc he may be able to claim, or indeed any experience of dealing with teenagers, but I trust N and want yo help him. We have a spare room which is set apart from the rest of the house so he would have some privacy and space. He is currently at college and studying.

Would you do this? Can anyone offer any thoughts on any legal requirements of us, would we have to inform social services as he's technically still a child? What could he claim if he lived here (I've no intention of rinsing him for rent but if he could contribute for food etc it would help our already stretched budget). Help and thoughts much appreciated.

He's generally very unhappy at the moment Worra, though I'm yet to unpick exactly what's going on and what's bothering him must. He's said to my partner that he'd appreciate some time to talk to me about what's going on and I'm hoping to catch up with him this coming week, but we currently know very little of his current circumstances.

Don't under estimate the benefit of a hot dinner and a listening ear but be careful not to promise things that you cannot carry out or that are not yours to make. Rather than trying to solve his problems for him you need to help him to make his own decisions and to support him to find a resolution for himself. You also need to remember you have only just heard his side of the story.

Good luck op. you have a very large heart - something that we undervalue in our society.

Can you provide support in another way? I'd be concerned about possible future implications to his housing options and/or uni funding. As an young adult in a hostel there are various supports in place with benefits, housing options and uni funding that wouldn't be for a young adult living with family.

I've not worked in that environment but the I have dealt with a young girl in similar age/circumstances and frankly we'd have gotten her settled much quicker if well meaning people had stopped letting her stay for a week or two and then changed her mind because she lost her right to that additional support each time and we had to start again.

Perhaps you could have him for dinner one night a week? Offer to let him bring his washing if he needs to pay for a laundrette (I doubt he does). Or let him come an hour or so early and do some studying in quiet if the hostel doesn't provide that sort of environment. Take him with you to the supermarket to buy any toiletries/washing powder/treats he needs if he has to provide them (I'm not necessarily saying pay just help facilitiate)

Also he may appreciate the offer of a lift to his uni or a hand getting stuff together to take.

sorry that should say "changed their minds"

You sound great! Maybe you'd be biting off more than you can chew though.

Could you invite him round for dinner two or three times per week? Make sure he gets decent birthdays/Christmases etc? Help him with uni applications and interviews? In other words, be like a heavily involved uncle and auntie rather than officially in loco parentis.

I agree with the supportive role, rather than parenting role.

Instead of rushing in with him moving in why don't you do this on a more relaxed basis as other's have suggested.

so...

Dinner at your's once/twice a week. Let him bring his washing that night. Give him a food box to take back with him.

At least then you have time to figure out how he would fit into your family and what sort of support you actually need to give.

You've all been really sensible which is just what I needed and I think looking at lower level support like having him over for meals or the odd permitted overnight is the best plan for now.

I'll be honest, the plan was led by a feeling of utter heartbreak on learning last night that he was potentially in a hostel and worrying that as a quiet, sweet person he would be eaten alive there and just wanting to do something; rather than a balanced consideration of his needs and I really appreciate the perspective.

""I'll be honest, the plan was led by a feeling of utter heartbreak on learning last night that he was potentially in a hostel and worrying that as a quiet, sweet person he would be eaten alive there and just wanting to do something; ""

I've been in a few Teen Hostels, they're sad places. Some are from the background that the lad is from. Some aren't accepted for being Gay etc and some have MH/LDs and so do their Parents, so they've had to leave, to get the support that a Teen needs. Others have had Foster/Adoption places break down. They aren't like Adult Hostels, with Addiction Issues that impact on others. Everyone who is accepted is risk assessed.

The accommodation is of a good standard, just very plain, magnolia walls etc.

OP, you sound a fabulous person and I hope you will do exactly as you suggest in your last post. Tread slowly and offer any practical support. Definitely work with his SW or support worker if possible. At his age he must have someone overseeing his welfare.

My parents took in a young man who had been thrown out by his parents and he lived with us for some years before establishing himself and ultimately emigrating. I saw him a few years ago and he has never forgotten their kindness.

You and your DH sound lovely. You are absolutely right to want to support this young person and I agree with pp and your last post - start by inviting him round for Friday night/Sunday dinners, remembering his birthday, helping with education/work and let him and you get to know each other better for a few months before you jump straight to moving in if he's not in desperate need right now. Good luck, to you and to N

OP, before taking this teenager into your home I would consider the nature of the relationship between your partner and the teenager. Maybe I am being paranoid from seeing this storyline on too many soaps, but it does bear thinking about.

Angry, I'm not really sure what on earth you're suggesting.

Angryeuimmigrant that's a pretty offensive thing to suggest when there's no evidence of it at all.

OP perhaps you/DH could see if you could get this young man some independent advice from Shelter/CAB about his rights and entitlements?

I would ignore that comment by angry op. I don't know what they mean either but it's unhelpful at best and trolling at worst.

Hostels, in my experience through work, can be awful places. Particularly for 16 or 17 year olds who are quiet and not so streetwise. I've seen 16 year olds come in presenting as typical, scared children and leave a year later with drug habits and criminal records. They are no place, really, for adolescents. I think you and your DH sound wonderful, and it's great for this lad that he has your consistency. Even if that is just meals/a couple of overnights a week and seeing how it goes from there.

Oh and angry, fuck off.

We did this a few years ago and i do suggest being careful - we ended up having bitten off more than we could chew as the young person did have MH issues having come from a very dysfunctional family. We soon found out how ineffective the local MH services are. However we are still in touch with young person so some good did come from it. Incidentally YP was able to receive housing benefit which was paid to us for room rental.

We did this with the help of the housing interaction trust in bucks - dont know whether they are just local to us or national.

Oh angry do go away and maybe stop watching too many soaps.

Good advice from mrs devere.

Thank you MrsDeVere that is really good advice. Particularly re support through his Uni years, I could stretch to feeding him etc for the meanwhile but could not offer any financial support through Uni and if SS can offer that then getting him in their radar seems the best idea.

If he's in a hostel how is he funding it? Usually they're funded by the local housing authority or social services. As he's under 18, if he approached the council they would refer onto SS.

He would be considered voluntary accommodated (i.e not under a care order). Even if he were to come and stay with you, it may be worth getting SS involved anyway, even just for the support. They may pay him subsistence in lieu of income support, but provide the help to change over when he turns 18. You may even be able to register as a supported lodging provider (depending on how slods is run in your area).

Obviously then there would be the support for uni (or any education on a case by case basis), and for moving on when he wants his own place. At the moment support lasts until he's 21 or finished education but their looking to increase this.

Obviously not trying to out myself but i deal with this on a day to day basis. My job is to help people like your young man move on, and the support is there for those that ask. We're not the nosy busybodies that the media sometimes shows us as, i can honestly speak for me and my colleagues when i say all we want is a good ending - so please do talk to him about it

Sorry i meant he would be voluntary accommodated if he approach social services (in his case it would be called a southwark judgement)

OP, I've done this. With an 18 year old though, so very different in terms of what was possible. Follow Mrs DeVere's advice first and foremost, in consultation with this lad. Once he reaches 18, that will be it in terms of any entitlement to housing or support. I couldn't believe it at the time, but if you're involved in a youth organisation you might have a better idea than I did.

Feel free to PM me about the in, out, ups and downs of taking a troubled teen from an abusive background into your family- I'd prefer not to go into it all in public!

Ive done this with a 15 year old lad who was taking drugs and drinking far too much. He was also going through an Emo (?) phase so his life was very dark. He was friends with DD.

He was pretty much abandoned by his parents who were too busy screwing their own lives up to care about him. He was sofa surfing and desperately unhappy.

We took a massive gamble and moved him in, parents didnt care, social services were never interested and the school were happy with a phone call from his mum saying he was staying with us. The school were fantastic with pastoral care once we explained the situation and he opened up.

Fast forward 9 years, he got all of his exams after a year of us cramming with him lover that first year, gave up the drugs and alcohol which were conditions of him staying and he's now a fantastic 24 year old with a great job, lovely home and a beautiful DC with his wife.

I see him all the time, he's part of the family. He has rebuilt bridges with his Mum who is now more settled in life.

Ive just taken in another 16 year old which hasnt been good timing because my marriage is going pear shaped atm but he's also now off drugs and alcohol after the conditions were set and we are anxiously waiting for his GCSE results. He's just having his first visit back home with mum to see how it goes but if it doesnt work out, he knows he can come back.

Its a huge risk OP but I look at the boys and couldnt be prouder of them and what they have achieved and hopefully will achieve in the future despite life throwing them a tricky hand.

I should add we have never received a penny for either boys so its a big financial commitment and i was pretty certain there wasnt any MH probs other than teenage angst and hurt.