Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider moving to Seoul Korea

61 replies

BeauBellBlack · 16/07/2016 18:02

I've been offered a great promotion at work but the job is based in Seoul Korea, The contract is for a minimum of 4 years. I would then have the option to relocate back to the UK and it starts in December.

I've been working so hard to get to this point in my career and I'm desperate to accept, the only issue, is that I have 2 DC's with ExH, DS(8) & DD(6)

We don't have a court order custody and he's not very involved in their lives. He sees them one weekend a month but more over the holidays, he also doesn't pay for any sort of maintenance but he loves them to bits and I know he'll fight me on this.

So practical questions: do custody disputes get settled within 4 months?
If not would I be able to take them or would he be able to get an order that says I can't? Would I be able to dispute the order?
ExH also has another child, another on the way and a DP, would any of that be taken into consideration?

Schools in Korea start in March, I've already contacted an International School that says they do have spaces available for the coming school year but I'd have to apply quickly, so the plan would be to get there for the beginning of December & the kids will get an early summer holiday before starting a new school year.

They'd come back to the UK for holidays, so it isn't like he won't see them for 4 whole years.

It's unlikely a promotion like this will come up again for a number years

Would it be utterly unreasonable to all of them for me to do this

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 16/07/2016 19:42

Does he have pr ? If not definately go, he doesn't " love his kids to bits" he provides nothing for them they would be dead if you ( or the state) didn't feed and clothe them.

Original poster
BeauBellBlack · 16/07/2016 19:54

His name is on the Birth Certificate, so he's got PR. I financially provide everything for them so that would certainly be something the courts will consider, I didn't realise that I could perhaps use lack of maintenance against him, he'd probably have a heart attack if brought up past child support I would have to point out that turning this opportunity down would mean that he would have to financially step up, which could be exactly what I need to get him to consider this.

He 'loves them to bits' in the emotional sense, he won't want them to leave.

DS thinks Korea is Japan, so he's excited about all the cartoons that'll be on tv Hmm and DD just wants reassurance that she'll get to keep her bedroom decorations. So they seem to be up for it but they don't really realise the enormity of the situation

I'll get started on an email & I'll figure out how many flights I can secure for all of them so that he can come & see them as well. Once I have all my ducks in a row, I'll send it off.

Thank you ScaryDinosaurs, I hope I can get it sorted out.

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 16/07/2016 19:58

I think some people really don't get it.
Plenty of children live abroad or at boarding school and only see a parent in the holidays and have a close relationship - especially in this age of skype where chatting every day is possible . Logically speaking if a parent lives the other end of the country or the other side of the world -it's not much difference.

I'd pitch it as giving your girls fantastic advantages OP as it's a wonderful opportunity for you all.

Kenduskeag · 16/07/2016 21:24

He sees them once a month and doesn't pay for them. Sounds like just the sort of 'father' who will kick up a fuss just to prove a point, rather than because he actually cares. Typical 'Fathers-4-Justice' sort.

Or, with his new baby on the way and new partner, he might jump at the chance to forget about the first family. He wouldn't be the first, and he's already cut ties as much as he can whilst still claiming to be Dad of the Year.

Scarydinosaurs · 16/07/2016 21:52

I agree with PP it is a fantastic adventure for your girls.

Good luck and I wish you all the best with getting your ex onboard.

NavyandWhite · 16/07/2016 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityCheque · 16/07/2016 23:14

He should be paying maintenance. But it's a separate issue, and will NOT be considered by the courts.

As he has PR you cannot legally go without his consent. FACT. The advise on this thread is, in the main, misleading and bullshit.

Stop being so bloody selfish. (And get proper maintenance through the CMA. They can and will make him pay).

trafalgargal · 17/07/2016 01:33

What on earth is bloody selfish about wanting a better job and a better life for your children? How very provincial .

Presumably you think the father isn't selfish to have never paid child support and to refuse to see the children more than once a month.. Perhaps if he had bothered to see his kids more often they'd be so close the OP wouldn't have even considered relocating.....but he didn't so she is. There's an element of reap what you sow here.

squoosh · 17/07/2016 01:41

Stop being so bloody selfish'

Translation please.

Alligatorpie · 17/07/2016 02:03

Seoul is an amazing place. I would definitely explore this opportunity further. Living overseas is a fantastic opportunity for you and your kids.There is a Living overseas topic on MN, you might want to repost there and see if others have had similar situations and how they handled it. Good luck with your decision.

VenusRising · 17/07/2016 02:09

Why can't the kids spend the summer holidays with him if he wants them!

I know a lot of families who work like this. Kids with mother working in one country and summer holidays with the other parent. He could come to Korea for a month.

If you need to go for work, you need to go for work.
It's absolutely an irresponsible no go that you stay in the uk and scupper your career to facilitate a few hours a year and no maintenance from this deadbeat dad.
You have your career and your children's future to secure.

Good luck with it!

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 17/07/2016 02:14

OP, I am assuming you have no Korean ancestry. Will you consider the problem of racism in South Korea?

A colleague (white British) is happily married to a Korean man, they have 2 children. They lived in South Korea for years but decided to come back to the UK because of the racism that she and her children were experiencing on a daily basis.

Hopefully considering this will help you make a decision.

Highway61 · 17/07/2016 02:21

I think considering you are the one supporting them, having to go for your career is absolutely reasonable.

I'd bring up child support, backpayments, and go for it.

Good luck!

VioletBam · 17/07/2016 02:22

I think that if he was seeing them once a week, that I would say No WAY....however...once a month? Why does he only see them once a month?

He may love them to bits but that's not indicative of that.

Go. Your career and their chance to live in another culture is paramount.

LucyBabs · 17/07/2016 02:26

Yea sounds like he "love them bits" doesn't pay for them and sees them once a month! FFS if a woman came on here and said she doesn't financially support her dc and only sees them once a month she'd be fucked from a height. Op Go if you can and show your dc they don't need a useless father. I get so angry when anyone tries to defend a parent who does fuck all!

Bogeyface · 17/07/2016 02:38

Ohtoblazes

What sort of racism do you mean?

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 17/07/2016 02:48

Constant negative, nasty comments from colleagues / neighbours / strangers about being non-Korean and mixed race. Children being picked on. I understand from my colleague that open racism towards non-Koreans is mainstream in South Korea.

NowWhat1983 · 17/07/2016 02:49

As far as I can see a mixed race family involving a white person and a Korean person suffered racism.

The OP is going alone with her children, who will be in an international school. What racism are they to be subjected to?

NowWhat1983 · 17/07/2016 02:50

Or perhaps that person meant if the OP wants to meet someone there

Bogeyface · 17/07/2016 03:01

I only asked because I wondered if it was because the children were mixed race, I know that that is a big issue in Korea.

The OP is putting the kids in an international school so hopefully that wont be an issue in school, but it is worrying out of school. Was your friend in Seoul? I understood that it was far more multicultural than the rest of Korea.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 17/07/2016 03:07

A quick Google reveals that racism is indeed a problem in South Korea. A brief introduction (its very own wikipedia entry):

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racism_in_South_Korea

An excerpt from that page:

Marriages and relationships
Most South Koreans disapprove of other South Korean engaging in relationships with expatriates and marrying foreigners. South Korean women seen with expatriate men are often mistreated in public.[14][20][31] International couples have often been forced to leave South Korea due to most South Koreans harshly disapproving of relationships between South Koreans and foreigners. In a Los Angeles Times article, one South Korean woman reported that "people spat at her because she had been married to an African American."[31]:

Again this is just one factor for the OP to research and consider.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 17/07/2016 03:15

Yes, she was in Seoul Sad . I didn't have a clue this was an issue until she came back to the UK having lived a few years in South Korea. I don't think it's a known issue so I thought I'd bring it up to the OP's attention as she's considering such a life-changing decision.

A few Google entries state that there is no antidiscrimination legislation in South Korea. I wonder if that's still the case? Can't work it out from what I've read. Insomnia must be impairing my thinking processes I think.

Ilovecharliecat · 17/07/2016 03:24

I agree with this, he sees them once a month and will not support them financially, seriously he's a crap father. OP you do so much for them, go for it and have a great time with your kids( they will tell you when they are older how much they have enjoyed and appreciated it) it will be a great expirience for you all.....as Nike says.....just do it ......

123MothergotafleA · 17/07/2016 04:23

And consider whether your family will like the food, I know someone who lived in Seoul, and availed of the Maccy Ds offerings far too often.
He also found general levels of hygiene lacking. ( spitting in public places)

Thefitfatty · 17/07/2016 05:26

I used to live in Seoul, it's an amazing city and a fascinating culture. Do be prepared for some massive culture shock though. Especially in relation to food and clothing sizes! :)

I would certainly talk to him about it.

They lived in South Korea for years but decided to come back to the UK because of the racism that she and her children were experiencing on a daily basis.

I'm making a MASSIVE assumption about the OP, but if she's white and her children aren't mixed race, than they won't experience racism. (if they are blond they will have everyone wanting to take pictures and touch their hair and the OP may be asked how much she costs by some man who thinks she's Russian). That isn't to say they won't hear racist comments (especially about the Japanese!) or witness it, but they won't have it targeted at them.

Also, the OP's children will be going to an international school, so there will be very few Korean children at the school (they would be going to their own schools).

As for food and hygiene. I had no issues finding western food stuffs at grocery stores. You won't find the massive variety, but you will find basics. Koren BBQ is a staple for eating out and isn't spicy and I've never met anyone who didn't like it.

Hygiene.......Korean men spit. It's disgusting. It's a "man thing". But you will get used to it. That, and the fact that it's a HUGE Asian city mean that sometimes the sewage systems are great and there's a lot of smog.

However, Korea has beautiful parks, mountains, an amazing train system that will take you from one end of the country to another in 2 hours. It very much has a culture of outdoor activity and Koreans are generally lovely people.

I don't regret my time in Seoul at all and can't wait to take my own kids someday to show them all the wonderful things I experienced.

Good Luck OP.