To want to act like a loon to put renters off next door ?(lighthearted )

[Doinmummy]

I heard someone knocking at the house next to us . It's empty and is to be rented out. I went out to tell them no one lives there and they said they're trying to get a viewing but the agents have arranged an open house that starts at 3 o'clock . This couple were on their way to Nottingham and couldn't wait til 3.

I said they could have a look round my house as the layout and room sizes are the same.

They are a lovely couple and I'd be happy to have them as neighbours. So what can I do to put the other viewers off ?

I was thinking of sitting outside with a bottle of gin wailing 'I miss you Fred , I'm sorry you died ' (Fred was the last tenant and I found him dead in the house )

Any other ideas ?

Hold on , change of plan! Bloke has turned up on his own in a convertible Merc ! Posh frock and lippy it is !

Do all of the above, and borrow several cockerels and introduce both them and yourself together.

'yes this one is Frederick the great, he's the one you hear at 4am rain or shine. And this here is Conan, he starts at sun up so won't disturb you in winter'.

Infact don't start by introducing yourself in the normal way, when they stare at you for being weird as suggested by pps, say 'what are you fucking lookin at you stuck up cunt? You gotta problem dickhead?'

Doinmummy Where in Essex? I am heading that way when I finish work.

Yes the aggressive approach , I like it , haven't used the word 'cunt' in ages !

Hold on , change of plan! Bloke has turned up on his own in a convertible Merc ! Posh frock and lippy it is !

How fickle you are, Doin

I'm Chelmsford CatThief

I'm middle aged and single - haven't got time for fannying about

Oh no ! Two lads have gone in , they look well dodgy . Back to plan A

Can you borrow a very large noisy dog?

I have two over excited kids and a paddling pool I can lend you. However, it's pretty useless since I live up north, but as my mum lives near you she could pop over and Skype them in your front garden. The din would put anybody off.

And they've leant their bikes against MY wall

Shall I steal them and say it's a dodgy area ?

bikes are abandoned....take to local police station (hid them). (Joking).

Sign on bikes..freee....🤗

They've blotted their copy book already

what no pokemon in your pic?

Go and knock on, and tell them their bikes are disrespecting your wall, and you is gonna teach them some courtesy innit.

I'm only going as far as Furrock unfortunately.

Glue some pennies to the bottom of a pair of wellies, take your radio outside and practice your "tap dancing" up and down the drive whilst belting out "there's no business like show business" and doing jazz hands? With a colander on your head as a makeshift hat.

Can I shine a new light on your 'nice couple' and say that they're probably devil-worshippers in their spare time.

Be aware that naked totem-writhing may mark you as their next sacrifice

Love it Audrey

Hmmm now I come to think of it , the chap was very interested in how easy it would be to lift the patio slabs !

Any drums in your house

I'm going out the front to clean my windows ( I NEVER clean my windows )