what the hell do I do?

[Skye80]

Posted in relationships but this is prob the better place:

I've been with my partner on and off for nearly 5 years. We have a 2 year old ds. He has a 7 year old Dd from a previous relationship.

The reason we were on and off was for various different reasons but mainly grief which he has now dealt with. He didn't treat me great but since we've tried again the last year has been great.

We don't live together just yet but he does spend some time here and alls been going well.

This is where it gets complicated. He didn't see his dd for 3 years because his ex made up a lot of lies and kept her from him. He spent all of his savings fighting through the courts with social services etc involved and now he sees her once every 2 weeks. I've only met her once as I am cautious that they have to build up a relationship however my ds, her grandparents, aunts etc have all met her.

I've been really paranoid the last few days so I did something I've never done and looked at his phone. There's nothing to suggest he's cheating etc but what I did find was that his ex thinks we're not together! She took issue with the fact that I met her once and told my DP that she doesn't want me meeting her again because I'm not a permeant fixture!

I really don't mind not meeting her right now properly, that's completely understandable but what's got me is his ex doesn't realise we're together and he hasn't corrected her! I know he's not said it coz he wants anything to do with her and is just afraid of jeopardising his time with his DS but surely he should be honest and tell her?

I'm so upset now and just feel like walking away. If he is painting me to be an ex then I just feel like making it a reality. I've put up with so much over the years and this has just tipped me over the edge. If I mention it to him he'll get defensive and nothing will work out, I'll get no apology or anything, possibly all I'll get it 'well I need to protect my relationship with my daughter', which is fine but why lie? I appreciate we've been on and off but I'm the mother of his child and have been with him pretty much 5 years. I just feel like his dirty little secret and think I deserve better than to be lied to and be lied about..

Ok fair enough...but that's obviousky a result of what she's been told. Is there any chance of you speaking to her directly?

This kind of lying reminds me of my ex (who turned out to be very abusive). He would tell lies on the premise of an easy life when they were actually relentless and totally unnecessary lies (from a normal persons POV), that made everyone look bad and essentially paved the way for whatever agenda he had going at the time....x

No I wouldn't interfere as I wouldn't want his Dd affected by this, it's not fair on her.

That's exactly it, he lies to make himself look good and twists things so that he's 'right'. Turned all his family against me at one stage by painting me to be controlling and a bully. Said I'd never 'let' him go out with his friends when it was actually because he had no money! And I was offering him money to go for a few drinks and get him from under my feet! So complete lies!

See that's pretty nasty ......and yes exactly what my ex would have done..
Honestly op, you sound lovely and extremely accommodating. He sounds pretty awful. Cut him loose xxx

It doesn't sound like your relationship has much going for it. Tbh I can understand where the ex is coming from. You're not I'm a stable relationship with him and if he isn't stable then she doesn't trust him. You've talked about the "last time" you split up which suggests it's not a one off. You've also mentioned the social services which makes me suspect that there is more to this than you're telling. Either way you're not happy and not getting anything out of this relationship. Life's too short to waste it on things like this. There's better out there for you.

Jeez, at the best he sounds very weak and unable to stand up for himself, at the worst he sounds like a manipulative pathological liar.

Neither of which I'd want to be romantically involved with. And either of which I'm not sure I'd want as a role model for my son.

Sorry, OP, but I'd vote 'out' on this one.

He sounds dishonest and a coward. He won't face up to difficult situations so he always blames you. He avoids all the stress and you get painted in a bad light. He plays the victim to avoid taking responsibility for difficult situations and dealing with them.

Social services aren't involved my side, lots from drama from her side with her other kids ex. But as his Dd was involved they needed to be included into reintroducing Dd to her real dad as the ex had told her her current fella was his dad. Shocking I know.

He sounds like a car crash.
I think you were right when you decided to get your own place.

you are very much invested in the idea that nothing is his fault - he has had grief, he has been depressed, there was false accusations of drinking and drugs but he is squeaky-clean - but even if all of these things are individually true, the bigger picture is of someone who creates chaos and drama by behaving in selfish ways.

This is what I thought first and then your subsequent posts have made it clear that he is a serial liar. Also stuff about having no money to go out - the lying, the drama, the flaky finances all add up to someone that is going to be a headache whatever. It doesn't matter if some of the things people said about him - drink, drugs - are lies; he is the sort of person who gets himself into situations like this.

You sound stable and sorted. Get rid of him.

It doesn't matter why people are lying - sometimes it is just out of laziness of convenience, rather than that they have bodies to hide. But the mere fact of people habitually lying makes them a nightmare. Drama always follows dishonesty and is always a massive balllache.

Could it be he's agreed not to let the Dd see you because he's terrified of losing access by pissing off a dominant ex? My mother didn't want us near my dads then new partner after their divorce (obv different situation but similar sentiment) - it was as much about punishing my dad for having moved on as it was about protecting the kids from multiple new 'step mums' - could she fear the Dd building a good relationship with you? Perhaps your partner is too much of a wussy to stand up to her.

Is there proof of him actually saying you're not a couple or is it just that he's agreed you won't get to meet with the daughter again? (I may have missed that bit)

The only way you're going to find it what's going on is to speak to him and tell him of your discoveries. He may well open up but if he keeps lying then you have to assess whether you can accept his reasons.

Yes that's why he's lied. I really don't have a problem with not seeing his Dd, I wouldn't have had any issue with that for a long long time, to be honest I probably would never have had an issue with it if it meant he got to see his Dd.

The issue is his lies about me saying I owe him money, that I'm an ex etc etc. He 10000% said it to her and said I wouldn't be seeing his Dd again as he promised her the last time would be the last. I'll add this was when it was ds birthday and she expected my ex partner not to see him at all as it was his day with Dd and the family had all arranged to go to a safari park. He had told me weeks before he had sorted it with her so ds could come and that would be my first official meeting with him but then the day before text me to say he couldn't go as the ex wasn't allowing it. After reading his messages it was agreed that his Dd could come but only if she didn't come in my car and I wasn't to be left alone with her - like I'm some criminal. So he was prepared not to spend his day with his son on his 2nd birthday because of her demands. That's what I'm up against.

I'll add that had he told me weeks before that he couldn't spend the day with us on ds birthday I'd have been annoyed but understood and we would have done something the next day. It was the fact he told me it was sorted and said i would be officially meeting her and then the day before said he couldn't!

I'd be asking myself what else he has told her about you, if she doesn't even want her daughter in the same car as you.. I bet there's more to it than just telling her you're an ex

Could it be he's agreed not to let the Dd see you because he's terrified of losing access by pissing off a dominant ex?

If thats true, whats his excuse for all the other lies, the ones to family and friends about what a bitch OP is?
And why did you go back to him after that, OP?

Also he now has access through the court and there's no way the ex would be able to go against that just because the dad has a new partner (the fact that your the mother of his other child would make that even less likely!)....if he's giving that as a reason, then he's talking bollox

I think it is really bloody odd that after 5 years together he is not willing to let you see his DD. There would be no reason for his ex to prevent it, if he was telling her that you were a permanent fixture, and your relationship was long term, and stable. The fact he is not saying that, makes me think he does not see you as a long term partner.

It sounds like the current on off thing suits him, and he does not see your relationship progressing from that, in the way you seem to hope it will. In your shoes I would be having a serious think about how much more you want to put into a relationship with this man, and whether what he seems to be offering is enough for you.

Your mistake was getting sucked back in again after you moved out. He hasn't changed, its all got to revolve around him so he can look good.
He will cause you and your child so much heartache, he will turn everyone against you again. If you aren't allowed to your nephews party the chances are he's told everyone else a similar story too.

OP you and your ds don't need this surely?!

Lies, deceit and for me the worst bit complete and utter disrespect towards you.

You need to protect your son from this awful role model. Unless you want your son to become like him?

OP I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth about himself, his ex or his dc. He's playing you and his ex. Unfortunately, his ex's statements may well have had some truth in them. And even if they didn't, he's still a liar and a cheat.

So he is prepared to lie to her about you to ensure he can see his DD, but at the same time he risks you and his DS walking away?

This guy has fucking issues.

He is playing both of you, telling you both what you want to hear but lying to both of you.

I couldn't cope with it - from the moment you have to lie about your partner (especially the mother of your own child!) then it's game over.

Thank you for all your advice. I have ended it with him. I can't live like that feeling like a secret. I can't have him lie about me owing him money so he has my car!

I don't want to be around his Dd and I respect his ex with regards to wanting consistency for him but the issue is his lies. I can't be dealing with it anymore, not after everything else. I just feel sorry for my ds as really just wanted him to have a proper family home.

Hope you're ok

I just feel sorry for my ds as really just wanted him to have a proper family home.

This man was a terrible role model and your DS is better off without him.
Dont rush into a new relationship though. Build a life for you and your son, and when you do meet someone eventually keep him at arms length until you know hes a good 'un.

Hope youe not too sad.

Really sorry that you're upset about the loss of your ideal family set-up for your DS, but as others are saying, this man wasn't the one to provide it.

Make sure you get your car back as well, I'm sure you will, but get it back - it will be an interesting hint to his ex as to how much he has lied!

I have to say, I think you've done the right thing though. I hope that you and your DS are ok

Thanks all, I have my car and we've maintenance sorted from before so that's all good.

Ds is out with him and his Dd today and have told him he can have ds every other weekend, least then it gives him a Saturday every 2 weeks where it's just him and his Dd. First sign of him messing me about and I will involve solicitors which I hope it won't come to that given the extent he's gone to to see his Dd.

So just picked ds up, he straps him in the car so I ask ex if he's anything to say to me - an apology maybe...he shakes his head and walks away. What a prized p*ick!