to ask dd to help pay for bathroom repairs?

[EyeRollChampion]

My daughter is 16 and has left school. She has dyed her hair before, there is usually a little mess but I moan and she clears it up. The other day I came home and our newly-decorated (white) bathroom was covered in dark brown hair dye. I mean covered. White bath, white sink, white tiles, white walls, white floor, white cabinet, white wall rack, white towels dumped on floor... all covered. Hair dye bottles on sink, floor, dirty gloves on floor... I was very upset.

I don't know if I overreacted. I have bipolar disorder which is made worse by pregnancy hormones. I'm also having a horrible pregnancy which is getting me down no end. But she got an earful. When I demanded she go and clear it up, she said "I have, there's nothing more I can do". I was gobsmacked by her attitude. She eventually went and tidied up a bit more, but basically the floor needs replacing, the walls need repainting, the cabinet, towels and wall rack are ruined and I've tried bleaching the crap out of the rest, all to no avail as she'd left it on there for so long.

After calming down (which I confess took some time, despite me usually being very calm), I asked her very nicely when she was getting paid (she works one day a week) as we are skint and I needed to redo some things in the bathroom. I said not to worry about the extras that I had bought but that the foundations must be made good (we don't own our house).

I don't know now if I've been unfairly harsh. Like I mentioned, hormones and illness have a way of skewing my perspective. I feel tremendously guilty. My dd is lovely, if terminally lazy and sometimes stupendously thoughtless :/ I did have a right go at her when I found it, even swore at her. Very unlike me. Maybe asking forayment was a bridge too far? Or just teaching her to be responsible?

HALP

Yanbu. I'd make her do the cleaning and investigate costs of professional clean/replacement as well as contributing to it.

Has she tried all these?

have u tried magic erasers, they are good for this kind of thing

Try the magic erasers, it saved my bath even when I tried bleach.
But yanbu to get her to pay.

also cif cream cleanser

Thanks for the cleaning tips! I think I have a magic eraser somewhere actually. Rather inconveniently, dd left for Cyprus early the next morning so I'm on my own in trying to sort it out.

I know that hair dye is hard to control (I dye mine), but honestly the carnage she wrought on that poor bathroom was beyond belief! My dp and I just stood and stared, muttering, "how? Just... how?" She must have shaken like a wet dog... then done some moshing and possibly had a fight with a flying ninja from an Ang Lee film.

I know I shouldn't have gone apeshit, and I did apologise. We normally have a lovely relationship and I'm not shouty. Bloody hormones... it's no excuse though.

Sheesh OP. Don't worry about blowing up once in a while. Glad to know she acknowledges she was in the wrong.

God no, YANBU.

I would have gone totally apeshit and I am a very calm reasonable person!! I don't think I would have apologised either if she had told me about tidying up my stuff !

YANBU. I can understand the odd drop splashing but how did she manage to get it everywhere?

I think there's a difference between "leaving a bit of a mess", and "causing irreparable damage" though, and you need to get that distinction straight in your mind. Even if you did shout, that's not overreacting. She's caused a lot of damage to the property which could impact you getting your deposit back or a reference if you did leave. That's not ok and at sixteen she needs to start grasping that if she hasn't already.

If she dyes her hair regularly she'll know what impact dye has on surfaces; her getting the stuff on the walls, bath, etc. might have been an accident, deciding to just leave it sitting and staining wasn't. I'd probably go further and get her to deal with the trades with me so she knows exactly how much work and money goes into fixing something like this. If she can afford spends to go to Cyprus she can afford to pay towards repairs. I'd say 50% each would be more than generous on your part.

My dd is lovely too but I would have been incensed at this. In fact my DD has done similar and what was worse she died her friends hair in my bathroom because her friends mum wouldn't let her. Bleach, flash bathroom with bleach left on an hour sorted it except for the walls. Oaky emulsion covered it.

YANBU!!!! I've done this with those bright temporary colours in my youth and had to use bleach to clear it off... it did work, even though there was a pinkish tinge for a while. However, you could try white vinegar and baking powder mixed to form a paste, leave it on and see if it takes anything off the tiles, bath, cupboards and sink (she may need to scrub). Mould and milldrew remover (you know the stinky one) could help with the grout. You should make her repaint (supervise her though!). If that works out, make her replace the towels and cupboard (if the vinegar/powder doesn't work on them).

If none of the above work, then she should pay taking x amount of her wages over y months.

Jesus. OP no matter how big your reaction you didn't overreact.

Please please try so hard not to retract your bollocking and do not apologise to your daughter for your reaction. She is majorly in the wrong.

If I had done that at her age I wouldn't have gone on holiday the next day, let me tell you! I wasn't expected to clean like Cinderella but I was expected to have respect for my home. Your daughter has acted both entitled and bratty.

Greet her from her holiday with cleaning products. And she is expected to clean and scrub until it's gone. At her own expense.

Show her a bill for fixing her actions.
And then she has a choice. Clean up or pay.
Enforce it.

OP I appreciate that you are mistrusting of your responses but you are in the right. Your DP obviously agrees. Do not back down.

Bleach might get it off if it's in places you can leave bleach-soaked cotton wool (cover with clingfilm to stop it drying out). Leave overnight.

Got black mould off the bath sealant when nothing else worked.

Firstly NO you did not over react.

You say she has stained the cabinets and the like. What I would do is phone a professional cleaning agency and ask them to come and have a look at it. What you see as ruined beyond cleaning they might be able to deal with. Don't forget they have stronger more specialised chemicals.

I would then ensure that she pays back every single penny of what it costs you to fix your bathroom.

If she is not currently working she needs to get herself a job pronto and you need to take of what she brings home every week to pay for the damage.

Do not doubt yourself you are doing the right thing by being this strict and it will do her a favour in the long run as she needs to learn that actions have consequences. If she was living in a flat of her own and caused this damage to the bathroom she would have to pay to repair it, why should your house be any different??

Oh and it's good to go ape-sh*t at them when warranted. It shows you're angry and rightly so.

She should pay to replace the towels, flooring etc and I'd actually get her repainting too if she's trusted to make a good job of it (with supervision). It needs to cost in time and money.

I wonder if you could get it professionally cleaned, and make her pay for it. It seems a waste to rip out a new suite.

Sorry forgot to add.

I would be really careful that you don't make the damage worse by trying to clean it up.

As many other people have posted Magic Erasers are wonderful but go really easy on the bleach.

Also I presume your DD managed to save up to go to Cyprus??
Well if she could manage to save up that sort of money for a holiday, she can save it up again to repair the bathroom and next time she wants to dye her hair she should go to a salon.

I make a plastic bag apron and cover the floor, tip for future. She needs to understand and learn respect for other peoples property and that damage is costly.

Her behavior is completely unacceptable and she DEFINITELY should have cleaned it. Make her clean it and pay for all cleaning supplies.

BUT

Replacing the bathroom is the stupidest shit I've ever heard. Is she supposed to be the first person to dye hair in a bathroom? Do you honestly think they'd be producing a product that when used AS DIRECTED would be so devastating to people's homes? Really? Let's get a grip here. If these stains were indelible, wouldn't you know about it? Wouldn't people be terrified of dyeing their hair because the stains wouldn't lift? Oh, if I shake my head one time, I'm replacing my bathroom suite? Does this sound reasonable and plausible as an everyday consumer product?

There are about 15 million articles on google about this. It's ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS THAT COMES UP WHEN YOU SEARCH FOR HAIR DYE.

If you really are skint, I would suggest using le google a bit more before you just start pissing money away on stuff like this.

SpaceDinosaur - I did lol a bit at the mental image of greeting her off the plane with a cleaning cart. 😀

I am noting down all these cleaning tips - I've tried quite a few already but there are a few I am eager to try. Much appreciated xx

Re: professional cleaning - I wouldn't have enough to cover it as we are living hand-to-mouth since dp rather rudely got made redundant. Thank fuck for Pinterest and of course MN.

Persian: that's the other thing. This is her third holiday this year and she hasn't paid for any of it. I try not to spoil her but that doesn't stop her dad or her gf's family, sadly. I am worried this may be adding to the entitled attitude.

I told her when I saw the damage that she was banned from using hair dye in this house ever again. I have no plans to retract THAT!

No chance am I letting her near a tin of paint 😀

Yanbu

I've had the odd dye spot that I've missed til later but generally wipe up any i can as soon as I see them as they're a pain in the ass when they've been left, as you've found out. And from your OP it sounds like she has no excuse for not seeing it!

Why shouldn't you have gone apeshit?

She went to Cyprus the next morning? Hmm. I'm not sure she'd have gone had she been mine, but it would have depended on who else she would let down by not going.

She's old enough to know that stuff needs to be cleaned up immediate, if not sooner. To cover surfaces & use old towels.

I'd have gone apeshit, she'd be repaying us to make thngs good & she's be being treat like the child she behaved like. Teenage privileges come with responsibilities.