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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being U? I don't think so.

36 replies

ApostrophesMatter · 14/07/2016 06:07

Close friend's father (in his 90s) has just decided to go into a nursing home. Mentally he's fine but physically he's become very frail and doesn't want to "be a burden".

My friend (only child) is helping him with the arrangements and packing up his home ready for it to be sold. J has decided to make a new will, his old one being 20 years old. Friend is very comfortable as are her children so her father (J) wants to leave what remains of his estate in trust for his great grandchildren to help them with university expenses, for a first car or as a deposit for a home. They will receive the money at age 18.

Unfortunately this has become complicated and is causing some upset in the family. J's granddaughter (B) has been married twice and has 2 DCs from her first marriage and a DC from her second. Her DH has a DC from his first marriage. J has only met his step GGS a few times and hardly knows him. B's husband thinks that his DC should be equally included in the will and has put pressure on B to get her DGF to change his mind.

B is my Goddaughter and we are very close and I have only met her DSS twice. She comes here to visit when he is with his DM.

She feels it's up to her DGF to decide what happens to his money (as do the rest of the family) but her DH is very annoyed and making life difficult for her.

J is adamant that his money goes to his descendants. He feels that the other DC will receive money from his mother's side of the family, quite rightly, and that his money goes to his family.

B says that, knowing her DH's family, it's highly unlikely that they will leave anything to her 2 DCs because they actively avoid seeing them.

Is J being U to not leave his money to a DC who is a virtual stranger?

OP posts:
DoloresVanCartier · 14/07/2016 06:14

Nope NBU. It's up to him who he leaves his money to and the DP of B is a cheeky shit imo! If I were B's family i would be ringing some warning bells for her regarding this man.

Pearlman · 14/07/2016 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 14/07/2016 06:16

B's dh is definitely BU. It's got nothing to do with him who A leaves his money to.

branofthemist · 14/07/2016 06:22

He is not bu.

My grandfather has just past. Wrangling over his will has gone on for years. Although in our case it's because one of my aunts seems to think she should get everything based on nothing more than she gave grandad more grandkids than anyone else Confused

It's entirely up to him who he wants to leave money to. And yes they have their own relatives on their mothers and fathers side that may leave them something.

But if I was 'B' I would becoming concerned about what would happen if I died first and left my dh in charge of my assets though.

branofthemist · 14/07/2016 06:23

B says that, knowing her DH's family, it's highly unlikely that they will leave anything to her 2 DCs because they actively avoid seeing them.

But that's not for 'J' to rectify.

Lweji · 14/07/2016 06:25

I agree with the red flag comment. It's not a good sign.
The child wasn't adopted and it's not close to J.
I wouldn't expect to inherit anything from a step ggd. Certainly not the same as the actual ggc, regardless of what I'd expect to inherit or not.

But to avoid all that, I don't see why the children can't inherit directly and then do with the inheritance as they please, if they don't need it.

Sunflower30 · 14/07/2016 06:25

NBU at all. How fucking cheeky! The children won't inherit until they are 18, by which time I'm sure the step child will understand perfectly well why they haven't inherited too. And what if your friend and dh separate in this time? His ggc will always be his family but this other child may not always be too. Sounds very grabby to me. I'd tell dh to mind his business.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 14/07/2016 06:27

I think they all need telling that a Will is a personal thing, it's for J to decide what it contains, and that they are being grabby arseholes.

Original poster
ApostrophesMatter · 14/07/2016 06:29

I agree about the red flag. I don't know B's DH very well but I don't like this side of him at all. As has been said, if the marriage doesn't last why on earth should the DC inherit anything?

OP posts:
Jessbow · 14/07/2016 06:50

Irealy don't understand why the old chap has even said anything to anyone about the content of his will. I had no idea what my parents will said until they passed away.

Its nothing to do wit anyone else ,its the wishes of the will holder and no one else.

branofthemist · 14/07/2016 06:53

Lots of people discuss their will with their loved ones. Especially if it's not just getting split between their children.

I know exactly what's in my parents will. They wanted to make clear the reasons they were leaving certain things to certain relatives.

Besides which, it would still cause a problem. But just between b and her husband when j passes away.

whattodowiththepoo · 14/07/2016 06:56

Ugh if someone ever makes a thread about my will on mumsnet I want that persons share to go to Katie Hopkins.
Grandfather is not being unreasonable.

Floralnomad · 14/07/2016 07:00

The elderly gent needs to tell them all he is changing his will and they will find out what is in it when he is dead , then leave his money to who he wants .

sooperdooper · 14/07/2016 07:04

He's not being unreasonable at all, his will his decision and why on earth would he leave money to virtual strangers? Ridiculous suggestion!

On another tangent though, if he's going into a care home won't the money from the sale of the house have to pay for that before being put in trust?

CPtart · 14/07/2016 07:09

Depending on how long he lives, there may be little money left after care home fees are paid.

BalloonSlayer · 14/07/2016 07:16

Well B has now got time to save up some extra money for his DCs uni fees and car, knowing he doesn't have to save so much for his other DC as they have a legacy coming from great grandad.

Mind you nursing home fees being what they are, the great grandkids might just have enough to buy themselves a Mars Bar when the will comes through. Hardly worth having a family feud over,

Original poster
ApostrophesMatter · 14/07/2016 07:30

I think it's because J's house is a big one that B's DH is seeing pound signs. J has a good pension and savings as well so there is likely to be quite a bit left. He wants the GGCs to have a "decent" financial start to adulthood, knowing how hard it is these days for young people. I wonder if the DH expected the money to go to B, so he would get access to it.

J's solicitor advised him to tell the family of his wishes and his reasons for his decision so there can be no challenge.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 14/07/2016 07:34

IMO, J is absolutely right and the DH is being a grabby arse.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/07/2016 07:38

Argh, what an arsehole

FiveGoMadInDorset · 14/07/2016 07:39

B's DH is grabby, J can leave it all to the feral ferrets home if he wants to.

roomonmybroom · 14/07/2016 07:46

Ugh, how grabby, J is so NBU, his money, his decision.
Wills often fetch out the worst entitlement, when my husbands father died last year we did inherit some, as did other family, you know what, we have no idea what anyone else got, because we never thought to ask because it is none of our bloody business!

sooperdooper · 14/07/2016 07:59

Arguing over an elderly man's estate when he isn't even dead just feels so morally wrong to me, the DH should be ashamed of himself and put his energies into saving for his own kids if he wants them to have the same

Scarydinosaurs · 14/07/2016 08:01

B's husband's behaviour is reprehensible and the poor man isn't even dead yet. I couldn't be with someone that petty and obsessed with money.

DeathStare · 14/07/2016 08:11

J is absolutely not being unreasonable. His money his choice.

However I can also see B's DH's point of view. If the step-child doesn't have much contact with their mother's family then for all intents and purposes they are B and her DH's child. As part of a similar set-up it is very upsetting and frustrating when members of the wider step-family treat the step-child as not being really their grandchild/niece/nephew based purely on biology. It is really difficult to make a child feel that their "real" parents are the people who love them and do the parenting, when the wider family insist that children are treated differently according to genetics.

I still say J isn't being unreasonable, but I'd cut B and her husband some slack. And I certainly wouldn't see it as a red flag or as being about trying to profit from J.

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2016 08:12

Both my mil and dm are widows but have partners. I know that both of these partners have left money to my dc, however there is no expectation on my part at all.
Both step grandads have been involved with the Dc since birth and have a relationship with them but even so I wouldn't be upset in the slightest if they left them nothing ( both are quite wealthy).
Your relative is being unreasonable and grabby

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