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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullies parents

53 replies

MermaidTears · 13/07/2016 16:43

MermaidTears

Just wanted to ask if anyone has ever actually confronted their child's bullies parents, and if so did any good come of it? After my fifth time being called up the school to be informed of this kid bullying my DD (now escalated into stamping on her lower back after pushing her to the ground at lunchtime) I have understandably gone absolutely ape shit at the head teacher and threatened to confront the parents. He looked aghast and claimed no good would come of it and to let him deal with it. I said, well you haven't shown my in any way it's being dealt with, in fact it's got much worse. Fuming on my poor DD behalf. What should I do, put my faith in the school or drop kick the mum in the face at home time? (Only half joking there hmm ). I have reached breaking point. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 17:37

MermaidTears

Sorry to hear what has been happening to your DD, I would confront the parents as they are the only ones who can put a stop to it.

I hate bullies with passion Angry

contrary13 · 13/07/2016 17:47

When my DD was being bullied by a boy in her class (she was throttled on a near daily basis, she was punched, she was kicked, she had things stolen out of her hands by him...) and her school refused to do anything about it, saying "oh, he has SEN...", I went to the police. Who dealt with it brilliantly and sympathetically, to both sides. They were 9/10 at the time.

When my DD was homophobically bullied on-line by a boy in her year, and her school refused point blank to do anything about it... I went to the police who raged at the school on my behalf and helped me to take out the equivalent of a restraining order against the boy to protect my DD when it escalated to threats of violence against her during school hours and... the school did nothing. They were 13/14 at the time.

When my DS was bullied and had death threats made against him last year, aged 10, and the school did nothing, I went to the police (different county force). Who dealt with it sympathetically and - from what I was told - got the very unhappy child who was bullying/threatening him the help/support that he actually needed (and he was very unhappy at home, by all accounts).

Your child has been physically assaulted.

If you physically assaulted her, the police would be involved.

If a stranger physically assaulted her, the police would be involved.

If another adult physically assaulted her, the police would be involved.

If a teacher physically assaulted her, the police would be involved.

Just because this is another child doing it, doesn't mean that they don't know what they're doing. And, frankly, if the police have a few words with mum/dad/them... it might stop them from ending up in even more trouble further down the line.

My advice, OP, is ask the police for their advice. Schools are loathe to do anything that will interfere with their Ofstead results, in my experience/opinion, which means brushing bullying under the carpet and turning a blind eye to it, whilst claiming that they have a zero-tolerance police towards it. Don't, for your own sake, confront the parents. As a pp has already said, they won't believe you and it will only make things worse. For your DC.

MilesHuntsWig · 13/07/2016 17:50

That's an inadequate response from the HT, if you've already tried the governors go to the LA as a pp suggests.

So sorry for your DD and you. I'd consider speaking directly to the parent, just calmly (if possible) stating what had happened and that if it doesn't stop your next stop will be the police.

pilates · 13/07/2016 17:56

Op, so sorry for you and your DD.

I would not involve the other parents (hard I know) but I would be doing a letter to the school along the lines of as they have been unable to safeguard your DD for the last ??? months you have no alternative but to report the ongoing assaults to the police.

Good luck.

Original poster
MermaidTears · 13/07/2016 18:25

parents are fully aware. Usually see the dad walking he's DD out of school after an end of day bollocking off the teacher, and buying her an ice cream... normally saying...are you going to be a good girl tomorrow. I'm pretty sure not much is done from their end.

OP posts:
PortiaFinis · 13/07/2016 18:32

Well I spoke to the child bullying my sons's parents but they are friends and the bullying was nowhere near this level. It really helped, the parents were amazing and it's pretty much stopped.

It was awkward as hell though.

The thing is I would really, really want to know as a parent and that's why I spoke with them but you say these people know already. I think it sounds horrific and I think you should talk to the police. If nothing else it may force the school to take appropriate action.

MistressChalk · 13/07/2016 18:36

God I wouldn't call what your DD and other posters examples 'bullying' it is definitely assault. Calling it bullying feels like it's minimising what is actually happening which is violent bodily harm towards your children, go ape shit at the school, governors, LA and then the police.

Don't contact the parents, either the school haven't informed them in which case your issue is with the school, or they have informed them and nothing is being done by them so you getting involved would possibly make things worse.

Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 19:12

Going to the police is your only option now I think. If anyone physically assaulted my son I would be straight on the phone to them.

FuriousFate · 13/07/2016 19:16

Another one here saying involve the police. Get DD to the Dr's, get pics of any injuries etc don't let her back to school until you have a cast iron guarantee that she will be safe. The head sounds like a shower of shite.

AnneElliott · 13/07/2016 19:19

I would say call the police- this is serious violence.

I threatened to go round and see the parents of the kid that was bullying my DS. HT suddenly got a lot more keen on actually dealing with it.

Hope you do manage to get something sorted.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 13/07/2016 19:26

I second Pilates suggestion of writing to the school and telling them that after x months and x empty promises you feel you have no option but to involve the police. BUT I would suggest using emailing getting read-receipts (send copies to chair of governors and council head of learning services too). Just so there is no possibility of "Oh, we didn't receive your letter" cynic

StarryIllusion · 13/07/2016 20:50

Zzzzz Are you having a laugh? If I found out my child/teen had done that I'd do my fucking nut. They would be begging to be handed over to the police, police would be a preferable option compared to me dealing with them. Whether it happened at home or school is irrelevant, they are still your responsibility to discipline. It's called parenting.

zzzzz · 13/07/2016 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Griphook · 13/07/2016 21:28

I think i would talk to the dad -'d if that didn't work I'd talk to the child, just outside the school grounds

StarryIllusion · 13/07/2016 21:40

what exactly is the mother supposed to do if its going on in school?Confused

Not sure there's much room for interpretation there.

In answer to your questions: You bet I would deal with them. Any older and they would be tried for assault, strangling and stamping on someone. That is serious shit, they could have done her permanent damage. Spinal injuries are nothing to fuck around with. They would be on the op's doorstep within 24 hours with a bunch of flowers and a letter of apology. They would then spend the following month grounded. Their days would be spent doing homework, weeding the garden, washing the car/floors and doing every other boring and unpleasant chore I could think of. Possibly even an essay on the effect of bullying. All games and consoles, phone/tablet would be sold and the money donated to an anti bullying charity. If they were old enough they would also be volunteering their time to a charity as well. No computer for anything but homework. On top of that they would get the bollocking of a lifetime that they would never forget. I might even need to rehearse it beforehand.

Children have self harmed and even attempted suicide due to bullying. Physical bullying can escalate. I was once pushed in front of a car by bullies. No kids of mine will be getting away with it. I'll be taking a "tonne of bricks" approach if it ever becones a problem. They'll only do it once.

zzzzz · 13/07/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MermaidTears · 13/07/2016 22:21

starry. Thankyou so much for your support. I agree fully. I would be mortified to learn one of mine had caused pain to another. Spinal injury is no joking matter. And I have once been strangled myself, it is terrifying to feel the panic of gasping for air that isn't there. It was a full on choke. I'm having Wine tonight to try to calm down. One of mine and damn right they would be forced to apologise etc

OP posts:
sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/07/2016 22:42

First her a copy of the complaints procedure - and start quoting it.

Stop speaking to school and email every last complaint to them

Insist that the parents are informed - per the policy - ask for a time scale of implemented procedures and a review date

One boy kicked and hit DD daily it juniors and continued in senior school - I wrote several emails and nothing happened. I wrote to his mom via FB and she did a grand job of grounding him and put a stop to his crap -

She had no idea ... School had never told her and I believe her

It can work

StarryIllusion · 13/07/2016 23:05

Poor kid. Hopefully you get it sorted. I second threatening police involvement fwiw.

iminshock · 13/07/2016 23:12

Yes. Speak to the parent. Please.
And let us know how it goes.
Good luck

Original poster
MermaidTears · 13/07/2016 23:51

She won't be in for the next few days I'm keeping her off. But as soon as I speak to parents or the head arranges something I promise to update. Thanks everyone for the advice and support. Hard work being a mum isn't it.

OP posts:
sykadelic · 14/07/2016 01:29

Hugs for your DD OP. I've been there and had to have a scan done on my back to ensure no damage was done. I was in pain for a fair while afterwards. Let alone the choking.

Flowers
honkinghaddock · 14/07/2016 07:03

With some children there is not a lot you can do about aggressive behaviour if you are not actually there to prevent it. In those cases the child needs better supervision in school.

BishopBrennansArse · 14/07/2016 07:20

Local authority safeguarding team if you've already tried the governors. Or D of E if an academy.
OFSTED aren't the appropriate authority for this - they inspect schools.
Escalation is via the LA or D of E. They have authority to act in these instances.

Cagliostro · 14/07/2016 07:53

I'm glad you are keeping her off.