What will be best for my baby, on or off the birth certificate?

[soph17]

I have an ex partner who uses our unborn child as an excuse as to why he should/has to know everything I am up too, such as; who I am with, where I am going, what time I am going, is there going to be any males present etc. He had apparently soon stopped all drugs shortly after finding out we were expecting, however a couple of months ago he sniffed 2 different types of drugs(vile, I know) and ever since I have had a lot of rumours telling me he has been out partying and doing more drugs, in which he denies and throws 'you're just doing anything to stop me being in this babys life'. Every time we speak without a doubt he will either accuse me of being with a male or at least asks if I have a new partner. We have been split up for around 5 months now and he still to this day begs for me back and harrasses myself, my family members and also my friends with messages. He seems to only be sticking around in hope I take him back and we be a family. I have many people who have witnessed him shouting in my face in the streets(his mum had to come and take him away), calling me names, read our conversations over text and they are advising me not to put his name on the birth certificate. He has spent most of my pregnancy being blocked from any contact with me(unless it was about the baby) because he would always just want to know what i'm doing, accusing me of being with males and just simply stressing me out. I blocked his number from texting and ringing me, he would then message me through facebook, and after I blocked him off all my social media, I then got a twitter notification off of him...he had made a twitter account. I don't know want to do, she's due in 7weeks and near enough everyday of this pregnancy has been stressful, I want what's best for the baby so I just need help on this decision. I understand he is the father but is giving him half PR legally through the birth certificate the best thing? He will definately be able to see his child on the set dates and times we agree on if he doesn't go on it, as I have made so very clear. Thank you

OP - why are you listening to his stupid demands that your dad is not allowed to decorate - he can DEMAND all he wants, you don't have to OBEY - tell him to do one. Do you really want this prick in your baby's life?

Isn't a birth certificate supposed to be a record of who a person's parents are? Surely if you both acknowledge the biological link then you should both be on the certificate? The rest of the stuff is for the courts to decide but the baby has a right to have both of their parents on their certificate.

My friend had a long term BF and one day she found out he had a whole load of secrets from her, children he'd never told her about, debts, restraining orders against other women for violence etc and she obviously kicked him out and ended the relationship.

A few weeks later she found out she was pregnant and when she informed him he became crazily obsessed with her, doing all kinds of weird things, harassing her etc and so she then involved the police.

At the time of babies birth she had a harassment order out against him so he couldn't be anywhere near him therefore he couldn't be put on the BC anyway as like someone said, unless the dad is present at the registration they can't go on the certificate.

Prior to the harassment order being in place though my friend was told by Social Services and the Police not to put the fathers name on the certificate.

I wouldn't put him on.

He can take steps to get PR but he may not bother.

Isn't a birth certificate supposed to be a record of who a person's parents are?

They changed the rules a while ago so if the father is on the birth certificate they get automatic pr. That used to only be true when the parents were married - which as so many parents were co-habiting was starting to upset none married parents.

That coupled with less stigma attached to not naming a father (and to register the father if non married I believe you still need the father's birth certificate though that might be wrong now). -it's not automatic that fathers would be there now.

You are being harassed and abused. If you are able to try and get some support, perhaps contact Woman's Aid? You can get help to formally write to him and tell him he is harassing you and it has to stop, and if he still continues get a court order to back you up. He will still always be your child's father and your child will see him and know who their father is, but this sounds like a case where in practice you are going to be the main parent and parental responsibility for him from the start could make this much harder. He may apply for PR, but also I've seen cases where after a lot of hot air the dad just isn't bothered. Also if you have objections and concerns over the drug use and abuse at least you can raise them on application and try to protect yourself and your child if needed.

Do not put him on. As others have pointed out you would both need to be there for him to go on anyway. Yes he can apply to the court but it isn't a done deal that they would agree and he would actually have to apply and most threaten but don't do it. Being on the birth certificate or not has no bearing on a child actually knowing who their father is and does not help at all when it comes to hereditary issues. Being on the birth certificate does give pr which can throw up a few odd things in the future for example the right to take your child on holiday (you'd need his permission to leave the country even for a day trip as I'm assuming he isn't going to fight for residence so there will be no child arrangement order)

The rest of the stuff is for the courts to decide but the baby has a right to have both of their parents on their certificate.

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

Who has parental responsibility:A mother automatically has parental responsibility for her child from birth.

A father usually has parental responsibility if he’s either:

married to the child’s mother
listed on the birth certificate (after a certain date, depending on which part of the UK the child was born in)
You can apply for parental responsibility if you don’t automatically have it.

An unmarried father can get parental responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways:

jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother (from 1 December 2003)
getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mother
getting a parental responsibility order from a court

If you have parental responsibility for a child you don’t live with, you don’t necessarily have a right to contact with them - but the other parent still needs to keep you updated about their well-being and progress.

you’re also responsible for:

disciplining the child
choosing and providing for the child’s education
agreeing to the child’s medical treatment
naming the child and agreeing to any change of name
looking after the child’s property

I think it you have an awkward other parent - not having them interfere with school and medical treatment - could well be in the child best interest long term that have a written record of who their father is.

If you're getting abusive phone calls and hang-ups, especially at night, please report this to the police.
www.thamesvalley.police.uk/crime-prevention/keeping-safe/how-to-stop-nuisance-and-malicious-phone-calls.htm

User1467101855- PR is automatic, its not something you choose to give him.

Utterly incorrect. Please ignore listen to previous, more informed posters, OP.

I think it's useful to think of this a different way. You are not responsible for him being on the certificate. He is. His behaviour has meant he won't be present at registration. You are not stopping him applying for PR.

Let him step up if he wants it enough.

Don't put him on. Baby has your surname.

It IS automatic, in that the father of any child has PR when either on the birth cert OR recognised by a court, which as long as the DNA matches is a done deal.

""It IS automatic, in that the father of any child has PR when either on the birth cert OR recognised by a court, which as long as the DNA matches is a done deal.""

But getting a Court Order, takes time and effort. It will show some level of commitment and it will mean that the OP doesn't have to hand over a very vulnerable new born.

He can then apply for contact, which is when the OP can put her objections in. It also means that contact has to be built up, which again is protection for the baby.

This child is very much, as said "a stick to beat the OP with" and the OP needs to protect the baby (from his controlling drug taking, behaviour) and also her own MH.

Putting him on the Birth Certificate is giving him power, from day one. I'd worry about how he'd use that, if the OP has any PND (which is usual after wnding an abusive relationship whilst pregnant).

It IS automatic, in that the father of any child has PR when either on the birth cert OR recognised by a court, which as long as the DNA matches is a done deal.

That's not really an automatic right then is it?! Yes, he has a right, but only when action has been taken.

Anyway, you didn't say this initially. You just said PR was automatic, which it isn't.

If he's abusive I would not put him on the birth certificate at all and I would tell him if he wants to see his dd then he needs to do this through court.

Don't allow any contact until it's written in a court agreement if he's abusive.

Sorry to sound doom and gloom but when my best friend let her ex spend the day with his dd he refused to give her back she called the police and they couldn't do anything because he was her dad with parental responsibility.
They said unless there was a residency order saying otherwise they couldn't make the father give the baby back as much as they couldn't make the mother do the same thing.

Thankfully he got bored after a few days and handed the baby back but I'm the meantime she was going to have to go through court / social services until she saw her daughter.

Imo it's not worth the risk. At least if he gets offered contact through court if he breaches any of the residency order you have the legal power to get your daughter back.

It IS automatic, in that the father of any child has PR when either on the birth cert OR recognised by a court, which as long as the DNA matches is a done deal

That's not quite right. As soon as you get to court the best interests of the child matter.
Granted it's not an easy thing but a high % of my service users have ex's who have been to court and not obtained PR because they were able to show that it was not in the best interests of the child or would be dangerious to them.

It's also fair to say that a huge amount just won't bother because the 'I can't do anything my ex is a bitch who stopped me' works better for them in day to day life than actually being an active parent

Don't put him on. Yes if he goes to court he will probably get it, it's easy and not expensive to make to order to put his name on ans get pr but will he bother?.
It is NOT TRUE that he has to be on the certificate for you to claim child support.

OP, my ex is an abusive drug taker too. I left him after DD was born and he's on the BC. He doesn't currently see DD because he won't prove he's off the drugs. Him being on the BC doesn't affect that because I have the parental responsibility to keep her safe and that trumps his right to see her. So it's not the end of the world if he does end up on there, though it does come with complications.

That said, with what your ex is like, I'd avoid being near him for your own safety. And that would include him not going with you to register the birth. If he kicks up a fuss after finding out you've done it alone, make it clear to him that you won't contest it if he applies for parental responsibility.

Completely agree, don't put him on.

If he wants to parent the child he can make the effort to go to court and get PR. Start now with the mindset that the relationship between him and your child is completely his responsibility. Not yours. You don't run around after him planning it, organising it, facilitating it, it's his relationship to put the hours and effort into. He needs very clear boundaries that his relationship with you is over, your lives are separate, if he wants to have a relationship with his child the ball is in his court to organise himself and do something about it.

I suspect he is unlikely to go to that effort as from the sounds of it he isn't interested in having a relationship with the baby, he just wants to hang on to and control you.

No don't put him on, he can apply for it if he wants to but I wouldn't make it easier for him by making it harder for you.
Also, have you spoken to your MW about this? They will be very supportive. They can put on your notes that you don't want him at the hospital then if he turns up they'll turn him away before he gets near you and you have to deal with it. When you get to the hospital you can mention it to double check they are aware. You can also rescind it at anytime should you wish.
I would definitely consider a non-molestation order in your shoes though. And make sure you report any and all incidents to the police as it's much better if they have a clear picture of the full history.
Best of luck

I could've wrote this post 2 years ago. My dds dad is not on her birth certificate and if im really honest it was the best decision i ever made. My dd has my surname aswell (he told me i could do it) my ex also took drugs and lost his driving license due to speeding so i never trusted him with dd at all. Now he is not involved in her life and hasn't been for nearly 3 months and she is a lot happier and so am i

Do not put him on the birth certificate.

For example If ever you want to leave the country for holidays you will need his permission, being an abusive malicious person he could say no and you will never be able to go abroad.

I've never needed my ex's permission to take DD on holiday

Has he got PR

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Yes you do need the other parent with PR to take them abroad other wise it's child abduction.