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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at the sheer selfishness of this

52 replies

witchofzog · 13/07/2016 08:56

Oldest dsd is 20. She has form for wanting her parents to run around after her. For example a couple of years ago dp and I missed out on plans we had made for a day trip on our anniversary because dsd wanted a lift to the next village and "doesn't like the bus"

Stern words with dp were had and he has tried to stick to put plans if prearranged now.

Fast forward to this week. Dsd has been to a festival involving quite a long train journey on her own as she was meeting friends there. The final leg on the way home is 30 mins from the nearest city to our town but with a 45 minute wait for to connections. At 8pm. The same night its our anniversary again and we are going for a meal. She text me

"Can you ask if dad can come and pick me up"(from the city station 40 mins drive at least each way)

My reply was

"Sorry lovely. It's our anniversary tonight and we are going for a meal. Looking forward to hearing all about the festival though soon"

She texts back "please. I have to wait 45 minutes"

I reiterated no. We are going for a meal in the opposite direction but she could go to the McDonald's at the station to kill time if she wanted to be somewhere warm.

She then proceeded to phone her dad. No reference to the fact that I had already said no. It's not fair. She is tired and cannot wait 45 mins. Her parents are out of order (her mum had also said no) etc etc

Dp stood his ground this time and we went for our meal. But seriously. She is 20. When I was her age I was totally independent. And if someone was going out for an anniversary meal I would not keep badgering them into coming to get me instead.

She insists even now a few days later that she was the wronged party. Surely she can't be serious?

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 13/07/2016 09:52

Agree Jackie

To save 5 mins

CatNip2 · 13/07/2016 09:54

Also agree with Jackie and Only1scoop, except she didn't even save 5 minutes because she probably spend ten whining on the phone.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/07/2016 09:55

At 20 I had moved out, shared a flat with a mate, then met and moved in with dp, bought, did up and sold 1 home, moved from the north to London, worked umpteen jobs and bought our 2nd home.

Think the response to the moan that she had to wait 45mins is Grow the f**k up.

Dd this morning got herself across London to get on a train on her own for a 2 1/2 hour train journey for a friends birthday and will get herself back tomorrow. She is 16.

Sidge · 13/07/2016 09:59

She'd have had to wait 40-45 minutes for you or her dad anyway!

Muppet. Be firm, be consistent, she'll get the message. Some young people are very egocentric but if she's indulged it will never change.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/07/2016 10:02

I find with mine they will chance asking but if we say sorry can't do it they will just leave it and conversation is over. My ds said to me once just say no, l have no bother with that. He will still ask, l must admit. Sometimes l turn it into a joke saying "good try!" Its the pushing l wouldn't like.

Cagliostro · 13/07/2016 10:05

YANBU!

Flouncy · 13/07/2016 10:06

I'd be more annoyed at going to Dad after you'd said no and explained it was your anniversary. That's beyond childishness and shows a complete lack of respect and attempt to undermine. She's 20 not at primary school.

We don't allow this in our much younger DC - our 5 yo is learning that if she tries to play mum off against Dad or the other way around she is the biggest loser.

Greyponcho · 13/07/2016 10:11

So who was she relying on to remind her it was your anniversary? Did she bother with a card or a congratulations at least?

BitOutOfPractice · 13/07/2016 10:12

Og course you're NBU

But why are you still so incensed by this "a few days later"? She asked everyone. You all said "no". It's hardly front page news that teens (and a bit older) can be rather self absorbed.

You both need to get over it now.

glovesoff · 13/07/2016 10:13

It's incredibly selfish behaviour to expect someone to drop their plans to run around after them. I live in London where public transport is plentiful and I can't believe the number of people who expect pickups. It's not just young people either - I've had older relatives who expect to be collected from the airport or train despite there being tons of easy travel routes which run at all times of day.

Original poster

witchofzog · 13/07/2016 10:27

At 20 I was also living independently. I am a bit agog at how young she can act. DP used to baby her I think because she was no longer living with him and wanted to do as much a4d he could for her. But it has done her no favours. We have been on numerous jaunts to collect her from various events miles away where she has not sorted out how to get home. Her mum tends to sing from the same songsheet as me.

As someone said above it was days ago but the thread from a mum paying for her daughters trip to Europe and the trouble she has had inspired this thread I think

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 13/07/2016 10:40

your dp needs to stop mollycoddling her-it doesnt even make sense to go and get someone 40 minutes away if their connection is only 45 mins

she just wanted a lift home because he prob always says yes-if he doesnt stop this she will do it forever

EarthboundMisfit · 13/07/2016 10:44

I was a bit like this at her age, so she likely will grow out of it. You (and now your DP it seems) are doing exactly the right thing...loving, with proper boundaries.

sue51 · 13/07/2016 10:48

Very selfish. Time for all to pull back and stop pampering her.It will be better for her in the long run.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/07/2016 10:51

YANBU.

I have a friend here though who would have gone - she has 7 children and totally lets them walk all over her in terms of doing stuff for them. She's lovely and her DC are generally lovely, but she does everything for them and it's spoiling them, tbh.
Her oldest son asked for a lift to the next town because he "doesn't like using public transport" - I'd have told him what he could do with that idea, but she gave him a lift.

Glad you both stood your ground, but I do believe your DP should state the position clearly so she understands - it might hurt her to realise she's not Daddy's little princess any more, but the sooner she gets a grip on that idea, the better.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 13/07/2016 10:51

So who was she relying on to remind her it was your anniversary? Did she bother with a card or a congratulations at least?

Does anyone really expect their children (or indeed anyone other than their partner/ spouse) to remember their anniversary and give them cards? Of course once she knew it was their anniversary she should have dropped the request at once, but knowing about it in the first place doesn't make her bad.

witchofzog your dsd didn't behave brilliantly, but she's still young. I know in all these threads when someone talks about their DCs or DSCs behaving immaturely a million posters come on to say when they were that age they were fully independent adults whose parents never so much as waved them goodbye when they left home, or that their two year old could travel round the world solo, but some people take longer to grow up than others, maybe because they've been babied too much or maybe because they've had experiences that have traumatised them, or maybe for other reasons.

But you and your dp both said no to her on this occasion, and she'll learn from it, and she'll realise she can manage to wait for 45 minutes for a train, and that you and her dad have lives that don't revolve around her.

She's not irredeemably selfish or immature, she still has time to learn and grow.

exWifebeginsat40 · 13/07/2016 10:55

to be fair, i've dragged myself home 200 miles from a festival with muddy tent and sleeping bag, knackered and hungover and the thought of one more bus or train made me want to weep.

i was 39 though, so i sucked it up and nobody died.

Pinkheart5915 · 13/07/2016 10:57

Yanbu. At 20 she sounds rather childish, probably is due to her parents treating her like a baby.
Going to her dad after you said no is what I would expect from a toddler or teenager not a 20 year old
The only way she will grow up is if both her parents (like you already do) say No to silly I can't possibly wait 45 minute requests and such like.

At 20 me and dh had brought our first flat and we're living completely independent from our parents.

HotNatured · 13/07/2016 10:58

NavyandWhite

"Most kids will be selfish if allowed."

Since when was a 20 yr old a 'kid'

Sparklesilverglitter · 13/07/2016 11:00

Yanbu. The only way she will grow up is to not be run around after.

Asking dad after you said now, Just wow she's 20! It's like the child's tshirts I saw "if mummy (step mum in your case) says no ask daddy"

At 20 I was at uni living in halls, somehow surviving.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/07/2016 11:02

And now we are back to the "at 12 I was running a company, travelling the world and running a house, it never did me any harm" type of posts

Oldraver · 13/07/2016 11:04

If she is still whining on about it you need to say "stop being so selfish" in a firm tone, each time.

I sort of get the impression your DP pussy foots around her, does he do this in a verbal sense as well ? I think a lot of parents are too afraid to use the correct tone with their DC's..you dont have to be screeching at them

Buddahbelly · 13/07/2016 11:11

My next door neighbour is like this with her 24 year old. she has a twin brother who comes and goes on his own, will usually get a lift to work and bus home. The daughter will not set foot on a bus though and works in town where there is no parking, so the mum gets up early to take her to work, comes back and goes to work herself. Finishes at 3 then sits around until half 5 and goes back to town to collect her.

In between all this she ferries around the younger daughter who works in an opposite direction. She wonders why she is constantly stressed and has no time for herself!

Op she will whinge for a while but 1 day hopefully when shes matured slightly will realise she was being a bit mean!

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 13/07/2016 11:44

To be fair I'd of possibly chanced it as well after a festival remembering how tired/hungover/worn out I use to be. People saying it would of been the same time to the bus. Bus vs car that drops you at your door and you can safely fall asleep in. No contest really. But once I'd been told no I'd of accepted it.

To be fair if it hadn't been for the anniversary dinner I will go for my kids. Simply because I have experienced festivals and know the feeling.

trafalgargal · 13/07/2016 12:06

I'm remarrying soon my son will be at the wedding and gets on well with my OH but at 20 I wouldn't expect him to be sending me anniversary cards for me and his Dad let alone marking my subsequent marriage. Anniversaries are about the couple no one else.

If she's still mooing just shut her down by changing the subject or walking away. If she is this entitled at 20 you are all just reaping what you've sown so just need to stand firm til she realises things have changed.

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