To think this is a breach of confidentiality

[DefinitelyNotMe]

DP and I are atheist. BIL is a vicar. Normally, it's all fine, we get on very well, often look after the other's DC etc.

I have MH issues, and recently had an episode while the DC and I were on holiday with MIL. Nothing major, the DC would not have been aware but I know MIL was worried about it.

BIL recently mentioned in passing to DP that he had discussed the episode with MIL and asked people to pray for us. DP was a bit but I am really upset. Is it really ok to share my medical history with people I don't know without asking me?

I don't know what he's told these people or who they are, but I thought he would have some kind of ethic around confidentiality and he knows if he had asked me I would probably have said no

If he was a health care professional or social worker I wouldn't expect him discussing my "case". If he wants to pray for me, fine, but him asking others makes me really uncomfortable, especially as he wasn't even there when the episode happened. I'm worried about going to see him now as people drop in all the time and I don't know what they think they know about me . Am I over reacting? Or was this really out of order?

Lottie that is a really good way of putting it. MH issues are complex and I do worry about speculation and gossip. Worst case is are they questioning my ability to look after the DC

And over thinking about it is making me very anxious.

DC1 is going over there tomorrow, will try and catch BIL then. Just hope I don't get too upset talking about it. Could really do without all this

Beeziekn33ze

"Non religious friend was touched by the number of people who told her they'd pray for her prem baby (who did well)."

Do you think that it was the praying that helped. Or the medical intervention and skill and dedication of the doctors and nurses who cared for the baby? I'm going with the latter.

When you see him, focus on facts, ask questions get answers. You could say you are not very happy about this and will go away and think about it before deciding whether you wish to discuss further.

Do not get embroiled in explaining your feelings straight away. Remember, you do not have to justify your feelings to him, ever. You can if you wish - a letter might be easier if you're liable to get upset - set out calmly why you think his actions were inappropriate, once you've had time to consider.

Remember, while he is an authority figure within his workplace community, used to being the one to make decisions on sensitive issues, you are not part of that community - he is not an authority figure to you. He is just your BIL. Who may, or may not, have been spreading gossip about you in his workplace.

Btw I do understand that your MIL may want and benefit from some support and advice. I think that's a different thing - smaller special-interest group, or 1 to 1 - from making an announcement in church, or to paritioners.

I'm guessing if she wanted to find out more about how to help and understand your condition and did so discretely, you'd be ok with that?

Anyway, let's hope it was quite discrete and that all will be well. Good luck OP.

Thanks Lottie, good advice. I don't mind MIL talking to BIL, or doing her own research. Just don't want it being discussed with randoms!

Its funny OP, as on this topic of MH and stigmas, a school mum sent a very desperate sounding message in a school message group

I decided to send her a message just to say "I hope you are OK, you sound bad, thinking of you|"- I don't know her that well but she said thanks and I am glad I did it

re prayers, I massively appreciated peoples prayers for my dad after he died, I completely get that for some people they are a chocolate teapot, and they mean a huge lot to some people. there is no wrong or right

HotNatured

of course prayers don't make prem babies better! But I think the energy and positive thought can touch peoples hearts and make them feel cared for, that's all.

I think that BIL needs to respect your position and refrain from discussing you. He might not have even thought about it in those terms, particularly if he has spent much of his life in that sort of role where people do discuss situations.

When my Mum was in intensive care with her life genuinely hanging by a thread for several weeks many people were sending positive thoughts, others told me they were praying for her . Frankly I took all offerings. I don't think it matters if you call it power of prayer or positive thinking I like to think it all helps shape the universe (and my Mum did eventually recover despite the doctors doubts so I'm not going to reject the thought that those positive thoughts however they were expressed might have had some influence)

I think the third party aspect removes the breech of confidentiality issue - if YOU had spoken to him about YOUR mental health or about the MH (or any other issue) of someone you knew and either overtly or otherwise made it obvious that this was confidential and he said anything to anyone it would have been a breech of confidentiality. As it was your MIL who spoke to him, and it is unclear whether she asked him to keep it confidential.

Just because he is a vicar doesn't mean everything said to him is confidential, it depends on the situation.

I agree I'd be upset though! I'd be upset at MIL more though.

Whenever I've heard prayer requests it was always been something like "Mary has asked us to all pray for her dear sister who is troubled/suffering medical issues/has a difficult decision on to make". Certainly not any specific details or surnames and that's across several denominations so appears to be the norm.

I wouldn't assume he's spoken about your issues to strangers to you in anything but the most general terms.

See Juno, I would go the other way, surely something he has heard secondhand should be treated more carefully than not?

Mary has asked us to all pray for her dear sister who is troubled

Nice. How many Marys are there likely to be in the typical congregation? Who have a sister? One? Two? Now everyone knows they are "troubled".

Churches: vicious gossiping, plus an additional air of smug sanctimony that it's gossip done for good reasons.

Just because he is a vicar doesn't mean everything said to him is confidential

Yeah. Gossips use the same excuse: "if you'd wanted to keep it private, you should have kept it private". The moral of this is "don't tell anyone involved in a church anything you wouldn't want on the front page of the newspaper, as they feel no obligation to keep anything private".

It's not a deep shame to have a bad weekend...
The range of issues that get prayed about can be huge.

I agree that any kind of mention from the pulpit invites gossip or speculation. And in every walk of life there are those who revel in that. He was out of order to mention anything about your health, your life or your issues unless you specifically asked him to.

As an atheist from a catholic background this kind of thing drives me nuts. I have infertility issues and prior to having my DS I never told my mum about any of it because I knew she'd be praying and lighting candles and constantly going on about how worried she was about it and quite frankly, I had enough on my plate. But I told her afterwards and am forever regretting that I did, especially since for the last 4 years trying for #2 has resulted in nothing but losses. She's told her entire side of the family about my infertility. I met my Uncle's SIL for the first time a couple of years ago and the first thing she said to me was that she had a novena that would work for my infertility. In front of everyone at a family party. Funnily enough my mother now wonders why I never tell her anything that goes on in my life these days

Here's a song to cheer you up OP:

I love Tim

"Love without evidence is stalking"

I also love Tim. I suspect BIL is less keen