i will try amd keep this brief as am new to mumsnet and don't want to do a mega long post. My DP and i have 4 kids between us and have lived together for 3 years - dated for a year or so before that. As expected we had loads of sex at the beginning - we didn't see a massive amount of each other when dating as I was a busy working single mum with an active social life. I am used to my own space and am quite independent.
now we probably have sex on average twice a week, and i'm pretty happy with that, DP less so. No surprise there but it is really affected our relationship to the point we have started counselling. DP is a great bloke, great dad, hard-working, devoted family man - bit opinionated at times but then so am I. There are other issues - mainly just mundane family stuff/exes/stepkids, nothing too major really and i think we will work things out. The counsellor thinks DP is too needy of me -he doesn't have many friends as he is devoted to the family and works a lot, whereas I prefer a more of a balance - i have a lot of friends and get my stress relief through me-time, which DP is very supportive of.
The problem about our sex life has really got me down though - DP gets all huffy if he goes more than 3-4 nights without sex, going on about how I'm controlling the relationship by only having sex when i want it -ffs I'm fucking knackered some nights and i just want to relax and go to sleep. I also don't see why I should have sex if I don't want it, cos then he gets upset about that if he thinks I'm having sex when I'm not really in the mood - which I do sometimes just to shut him up. Not that he would ever have sex with me if i said I wasn't in the mood, its just sometimes he makes an issue of it.
Through the counselling DP has said that when we make love, it isn't just about sex but he is expressing his love for me, which is a nice thing to say i suppose, he says he want's to have sex most nights, which to me is just not going to happen, he says he realises this is too much but still goes on about it. Before me, DP had a spell of being single (no partners) then before that a long marriage (apparently he got even less sex with ex wife) and not very many other partners in his life whereas I have had many sexual partners - some unhealthy and abusive which is something i have had therapy to move on from. What else has pissed me off is DP saying my attitude to sex is clouded by my past experiences (abuse and co-ercion) whereas his is all about expressing love and that we are incompatible.
Its such a mess which is a shame cos we get on so well otherwise and have so much in common, emotionally, intellectually and socially. The last straw was the other night when he recounted exactly how many times we have had sex this year compared with last year as he has been recording it - ok he is a mathematician and records everything but ffs. I think he has a lot of problems from his own upbringing that Im hoping he will work on with the counsellor but I just wondered what other people thoutgh.
in short im asking how often do other couples have sex and how do you deal with it when one want's more than the other - do most blokes put up and shut up, or do they make an issue of it like my other half.
Thanks and sorry for the long post xxx