about being pissed off that dp making me feel bad about not wanting as much sex as him

[ssh1]

i will try amd keep this brief as am new to mumsnet and don't want to do a mega long post. My DP and i have 4 kids between us and have lived together for 3 years - dated for a year or so before that. As expected we had loads of sex at the beginning - we didn't see a massive amount of each other when dating as I was a busy working single mum with an active social life. I am used to my own space and am quite independent.

now we probably have sex on average twice a week, and i'm pretty happy with that, DP less so. No surprise there but it is really affected our relationship to the point we have started counselling. DP is a great bloke, great dad, hard-working, devoted family man - bit opinionated at times but then so am I. There are other issues - mainly just mundane family stuff/exes/stepkids, nothing too major really and i think we will work things out. The counsellor thinks DP is too needy of me -he doesn't have many friends as he is devoted to the family and works a lot, whereas I prefer a more of a balance - i have a lot of friends and get my stress relief through me-time, which DP is very supportive of.

The problem about our sex life has really got me down though - DP gets all huffy if he goes more than 3-4 nights without sex, going on about how I'm controlling the relationship by only having sex when i want it -ffs I'm fucking knackered some nights and i just want to relax and go to sleep. I also don't see why I should have sex if I don't want it, cos then he gets upset about that if he thinks I'm having sex when I'm not really in the mood - which I do sometimes just to shut him up. Not that he would ever have sex with me if i said I wasn't in the mood, its just sometimes he makes an issue of it.

Through the counselling DP has said that when we make love, it isn't just about sex but he is expressing his love for me, which is a nice thing to say i suppose, he says he want's to have sex most nights, which to me is just not going to happen, he says he realises this is too much but still goes on about it. Before me, DP had a spell of being single (no partners) then before that a long marriage (apparently he got even less sex with ex wife) and not very many other partners in his life whereas I have had many sexual partners - some unhealthy and abusive which is something i have had therapy to move on from. What else has pissed me off is DP saying my attitude to sex is clouded by my past experiences (abuse and co-ercion) whereas his is all about expressing love and that we are incompatible.

Its such a mess which is a shame cos we get on so well otherwise and have so much in common, emotionally, intellectually and socially. The last straw was the other night when he recounted exactly how many times we have had sex this year compared with last year as he has been recording it - ok he is a mathematician and records everything but ffs. I think he has a lot of problems from his own upbringing that Im hoping he will work on with the counsellor but I just wondered what other people thoutgh.

in short im asking how often do other couples have sex and how do you deal with it when one want's more than the other - do most blokes put up and shut up, or do they make an issue of it like my other half.
Thanks and sorry for the long post xxx

I have exactly the same issue as you. My DH always seems to sulk if he doesn't get enough which is completely off-putting in itself. During one row he complained about not getting enough when we had 4 times that week (which is not unusual). I told him he was unrealistic given we have been together for 9 years and have 2 DCs and both work. I've really had enough recently and even sleep in another room to avoid him (he snores too).
I find his attitude has really turned me off.
So I think your DP should stop before he really puts you off completely too!

Twice a week with four kids is pretty impressive.

FWIW I had surgery on my spine in September 2013 and in December 2013 dp had a catastrophic road accident which left him so badly injured he was off work for two years.

I think we've had sex give times in the last two years. I think. It might be less. My spine is still knackered and needs another op and dp is still slowly recovering although now back at work.

But we have an amazing relationship even without the sex. We are close, we kiss and cuddle, we spend a lot of time just mucking about and taking the piss out of each other and having a giggle. We are both just pretty grateful to have got through the last three years or so I think and happy we are still together.

Anyone who uses sex as emotional blackmail is a cunt. HTH.

thanks for the replies, you are right I've fallen for the biggest guilt trip and feel like a idiot. i knew i wasn't being unreasonable but was being made to feel like I was being unreasonable. i feel really weird now like i don't know what to do, liike my heads been messed with. When i was in a bad place years ago I knew i was in a bad place but struggled to leave. Now this bad place has crept up on me without realising it. DP knows about my history of domestic abuse in the past and would be mortified if he thought he was being controlling in any way. He knows i could manage on my own as i have good job and am independent and wouldn't put up with things if i was unhappy. God what a mess!

Bloody hell. Twice a week seems loads to me. Once is plenty! And I think we have a really happy marriage.wondering what H thinks now

lellikelly26 - i feel the same, I want even less sex now with him. To be fair we've talked about it a lot and he has suggested we stop having sex completely, as that would take the elephant out of the room, as it is a major source of stress for both of us. He said he would cope with it better if we stopped completely, as usual it is all about him not me, I said that is just as controlling as making me feel guilty for having less sex. Now I'm thinking it might be a good idea, coupled with the counselling to get try and get on a better track. Either that or i will tell him to fuck off and don't come back cos that is how im feeling right now!

Can anyone help me articulate a similar issue with my DH?
He doesn't understand why I don't want sex every night. He gets offended if sometimes I'd rather watch an extra bit of tv or read a book or if I'm tired. Takes it as a sign that either I don't like him or the sex is crap. Neither of which is true.
It's reasonable to not be bothered the time isn't it?

A partner who is constantly pestering for sex is a huge turn off. Women with very young children are often a lot less interested in sex than their partners simply because they are more likely to be both tired and 'touched out' - if you've had a baby or toddler crawling all over you all day, you are likely to want a bit of time without someone touching you.

If the man is not pulling his weight with domestic work and childcare (a fair division of domestic work is one where both of you get the same amount of leisure time - the person who works for a wage does not get to do nothing in the way of domestic work) and is still constantly asking about sex and complaining that his dick is not getting enough attention, the marriage is likely to be shit. When you are being treated like a servant or a domestic appliance, sex becomes another chore you are expected to perform for the man's benefit.

If one partner doesn't want sex at all then the marriage is probably doomed, but a libido mismatch can be resolved as long as both partners understand that they are partners and it is not about one person winning.

If he's keeping record of how often you have sex it would be fair of you to keep a record of every time he pressured you for sex after making it clear you weren't interested. Maybe those stats would make him think about what he is doing?

OP sex twice a week is not a problem. It is very normal and actually more often than many happy couples and far more than what most single people get! He is behaving like an arse and in my opinion is being abusive. The keeping a tally is horrible behaviour. It would put me right off sex.

Sounds like my marriage, fewer dc though.

Twice a week with 4 dc? He's a very very lucky man. We plan that with 2dc and its more like once a week (not without all the bloody guilt trips though. Very unattractive.)

We have two kids under four, and have sex four times a week, sometimes five. But that's because we both desire that number, and under certain conditionswhen I first developed an autoimmune condition; when he had to take medication that lowered his sex driveneither of us felt like having sex more than once a week, and that was absolutely fine. Pressuring someone is terribly off putting and downright unromantic.

Your DP doesn't know how lucky he is. I am pregnant and know exactly when I conceived because it can be only one possible night a month ago Time before that was another 6 weeks. I have 1 child and live in a one bed flat so it's hard to find anywhere to do it.. and toddler is clingy so feel touched out. I feel for DP now... He never goes on about it though and we are so close in other ways. Always cuddling, messing about, squeezing bums etc. He would love twice a week though! I hope the councillor makes him see he is getting more than most OP.

So, he's saying that he wants to show his love for you by getting you to do something you don't want to? Not on.

Touched out. Interesting... Never realised that could contribute. Makes a lot of sense, seeing as i spend a lot of time staying up much too late, just to be solitary.

Sex should only happen when both people want it. Sometimes dp and I will have it 4 times in a week, sometimes we won't for a couple of weeks. We have one toddler. It depends on our schedules, how tired we are and if we want to!

Your partner is trying to emotionally blackmail you into having sex with him. That is abuse. Please don't have sex unless you want to. I would be seriously considering ending the relationship. He may change with counselling but I wouldn't hold my breath.

I'm so sorry op that you've gone through this. for you

My DH would bloody love sex twice a week, we have it nowhere near that amount!

When DS was born we didn't have sex for 13 months and he never, ever pressured me or made little snide comments. Once sex was bought back into our relationship after those 13 months we still only did it maybe once a fortnight, sometimes less frequent.

DS is now 2yr 3m, a terrible sleeper, I work long shifts and am pretty much shattered all the time and me and DH have sex maybe 4 times a month. If DH did want sex more often he'd never make me feel guilty about it because sex should be about two willing people, not one willing person and the other feeling forced or pressured to do it.

Your husband is being a twat.

thanks again everyone. he knows i am unhappy and want to end the relationship and he knows he has a problem and is on the verge of losing me. Such a shame as he is a lovely bloke in so many other ways - not like some of arse-holes I've been with. The crux of it comes down to our differences, I think he is insecure, I am 10 years younger than him and have had a lot of life experiences whereas he is quite sheltered. It's been a real eye opener sharing this on here to know that the problem isn't all me. I'm not holding my breath about the counselling either but he is open to it so I will continue. I've told him I don't want any sex at the moment until we are in a better place and I'm not discussing it any more unless it is within the counselling sessions as we are not getting anywhere.

If he's worried about losing you then his behaviour may be explained by attachment theory.

When we are in unstable relationships we will often desire sex more as a way to keep that relationship together. It's the reason that so many women go back to abusive men or why break-up sex is considered to be so intense.

It is probably the case that he's trying to fix your relationship through sex, which is a primal response. He's got it completely wrong and it's clearly driving him crazy (spreadsheets!!??!!).

It doesn't excuse his behaviour. I get the whining and trying to make me feel guilty a bit from my DH. It's major turn-off. He should want you to have sex because you want to, not because you feel guilty.

well my plan at the moment is like, i feel like a dick that he has been manipulating me and I've been sucked in to it. I feel like telling him to fuck off and move out

Good plan. Life is too short to play his mom and try to make him see how his behaviour is abusive. He is an adult, he should have figured that out by now.

Not having sex at all is a good move, too. But always remember that leaving is an option.

DontaskIdontknow - I think you are correct. He admits he is paranoid about losing me however he has said in the past this paranoiait is due to my track record of having many sexual partners and short term relationships but it is coming out in the counselling that he is very needy and I think frequent sex is a way of trying to make him feel better. On the other hand i am not needy at all - I have survived many things in my life and can live without him (although i would never put this so bluntly to him, i think he knows this)

He knows I don't want as much sex as him and he feels guilty for wanting more sex, he says he feels bad knowing that I am just going through the motions having sex just cos he wants it. So I'm not going through it anymore, it is a toxic cycle.

You will be better off without him. He is, actually, behaving abusively. Yeah, he's suffered, but it's not your job to fix him at the expense of your own wellbeing. Other people have suffered, but sort themselves out (with or without professional help) rather than playing the victim in order to get other people to indulge them while giving very little back.

This man is making no attempt to take responsibility for himself. His response to the counselling is all 'Boohoo, if she'd only do what I want her to do, everything would be fine' rather than acknowledging that you are a person rather than his comfort blanket.

Yeah I wonder if he is actually quite anxious. All this monitoring and counting sounds like trying to control something, perhaps it's his feelings of anxiety (nonspecific? About losing you/abandonment?) that he is trying to control rather than you per se? With the additional benefit to him that the anxiety stops while he's having sex (lucky him, I tend to get more stressed by sex). I'm no expert on anxiety but I've seen son comments suggesting that trying to appease the anxiety rather than face up to the tea cause of I doesn't work.

The effect though is still that you sound as if you feel controlled and who can blame you. Saying 'this is how I express my love' is the beginning of the conversation, not the end: Two people need to notice how the other person feels loved as well.

'real cause of it' not tea cause of I. Fucking autocorrect.

Are you dating this guy, OP? He kept a sex spreadsheet too.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2014/jul/22/wife-sex-not-tonight-spreadsheet-lays-bare-reddit

RhiWrites - fuck this is uncanny - I've emailed it on to DP