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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit eclipsed by my dh?

34 replies

Justmeagain78 · 11/07/2016 19:58

Ok I know I'm being unreasonable but I just need help dealing with my unreasonable feelings - no flaming please!

DH is a bit of a Mr Perfect. He's kind, good humoured, hard-working, funny etc. and will do anything for anyone. He's the kind of person who can fix anything and is great at cooking and gardening too. I try to keep up but I seem to mess up anything practical. I've always loved those things about him and I always will but just lately I've been feeling a bit resentful of all the praise he gets even though I know he deserves it.

Every time we have people over, he gets praised. I know people are more likely to notice that the garden is looking lovely rather than the house is clean and the laundry is done so I don't expect credit for my more mundane tasks but it still rankles me when it happens. They praise him for growing his own vegetables but don't stop to praise me for looking after the children for half a day at a time so he can disappear to the allotment. He does help family members a lot with things like computers, DIY etc. I wish I could help in those ways but I don't have the skills and knowledge. I listen to everyone's woes and supervise their children when they need help but again that's something that is largely under the radar. Everyone tells me constantly how lucky I am to have him and I know I am but I can't help bristling when people say this so much or when they always ask his opinion on things and never mine even though I do have well thought out opinions on most things.

To top it off, my dd (age 4) is going through a rather long phase of wanting daddy and telling me she hates me. Last week dh helped my mum install her new computer and she's bought him a new tablet for several hundred pounds because he's "been so brilliant!". I know he deserves it but I would have helped her if I could, I've had nothing new for years and he gets all that. He felt awkward about it, saying to me it was very over the top and he doesn't help people to get rewards and I don't blame him but again he's getting recognition all the time. I was having to take care of things at home yet again to enable him to help her.

I know I sound dreadful and ungrateful but I'd appreciate if there is anyone who can empathise in any way or give me something constructive to help. It's hard - when you're married to the perfect one, what does that make you? Invisible, it seems.

OP posts:

RainbowInACloud · 11/07/2016 20:06

Oh gosh this has really struck a chord with me. DH is the same!
He does all the obvious jobs- cooks great food, redesigns the garden etc. And I do all the thankless washing and childcare. It works for us and I couldn't change it if I wanted to as like you, I don't have the skills but it does bother me occasionally.
DH sat some professional exams and was given £1000 by his parents. Their proviso was that he HAD to spend it on himself! I had had a shitty 6 months looking after 3 children alone every weekend and got sod all. Luckily DH ignored them and gave me half.
Sorry I have no useful advice but I understand where you are coming from x

Canyouforgiveher · 11/07/2016 20:13

I think your mum was unreasonable to give a present just to your husband. Yes he helped her, but you held the fort at home so he could do that. My mum would have given the present to me (or at least to both of us). Rainbow, your in laws were also unfair. When DH sat professional exams, and I had to mind a baby full time while he studied, I told him that if he got even one mark above the minimum pass rate, I would regard it as a minute he stole from me. I was joking - but only just.

I think you need to decide to just ignore it. Or else when someone says isn't it great he grows his own vegetables, make a joke like "yes, sometimes I wonder if he is growing cabbages to get out of doing the laundry". But that sounds like you are getting a dig at him and you don't want to do that. Hard one.

It does remind me of the early days of childrearing with Dh. He is very good with babies/children and boy did he get praise for being "good" with his own children. I would usually say "yes he is great with the baby. So am I actually".

Capricornandproud · 11/07/2016 20:15

Can I borrow him for a bit OP? I'm bloody knackered and would love someone that around

Helmetbymidnight · 11/07/2016 20:19

My friends dh is like this.

Every time I say 'oh isn't he good' she goes off on one I try not to do it so often.

She can't even divorce him coz she knows everyone would side with him!

But seriously, I sympathise, I used to have a bf like that and it drove me mad. I would just suggest being assertive - say it- say I look after the kids so he can do this etc etc. You won't be invisable to your friends.,

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 11/07/2016 20:24

Oh don't get me started. My exH was a Mr Perfect - used to drive me nuts. We fell out one Xmas because, whereas I cooked the family dinner every bloody night of the week, - he wanted to settle himself in the kitchen on Xmas day and behave like some sort of Jamie Oliver cooking a fancy Christmas dinner for both sets of parents and receive masses of accolade with all the parents saying how marvellous he was and wasn't I lucky to have him. Whilst the endless ordinary dinners I cooked night after night were not worthy of mention. He also used to whizz up to my parents (500 mile round trip) leaving me with the kids to help out with their computer issues and I would get messages from them telling me how fabulous he was and how I was so lucky to have him. But he never did any of the what I call 'invisible' mundane work - he did the stuff that got him recognition - I think this is quite common with some (not all) men not just at home but in the workplace too.

RhiWrites · 11/07/2016 20:26

Why doesn't he say "I couldn't do X if it wasn't for Justme picking up the slack"? and share the iPad?

MoodyWarps · 11/07/2016 20:27

My DH is one of these perfect people too, and our DS always seems to prefer him, though now he is 7 he hides it better!
I don't mind the 'rewards' and praise that he gets but what I hate is people telling me that I'm lucky to have him
I am, I do love him and he is a better person than me BUT he's lucky to have me too, it works both ways!

SabineUndine · 11/07/2016 20:30

For everyone who gallops around being brilliant there are half a dozen plodders dealing with the stuff the brilliant people think is beneath them. It gets right on my tits too.

imother · 11/07/2016 20:32

If people say you are lucky to have him, tell them HE is lucky to have YOU because you do all the hard work which enables him to have the time to achieve whatever it is. That'll shut them up

Seriously you need a word to DH pointing out the fact that, just as with a SAHM, you are the enabler. Without your support DH could o none of those things. And you expect him to point that out when he gets praised and shouldn't need telling

helenatroy · 11/07/2016 20:46

Mine is like that too.

Canyouforgiveher · 11/07/2016 20:50

whereas I cooked the family dinner every bloody night of the week, - he wanted to settle himself in the kitchen on Xmas day and behave like some sort of Jamie Oliver cooking a fancy Christmas dinner for both sets of parents and receive masses of accolade with all the parents saying how marvellous he was and wasn't I lucky to have him.

This drives me crazy. The amount of people who wouldn't dream of doing the spag bol tedious cooking but would love to do the big dinner.

I do the cooking almost every night (I like cooking, he doesn't) but I'd be damned if I'd let anyone waltz in and take credit for a big meal like xmas or thanksgiving - one of the few meals you actually get some accolades for. Still, no one has ever turned to my husband after saying "fab meal canyou" and said "you are lucky to have her". Bet they would if he cooked it though.

(mind you, I also have a rule that everyone at the table has to say thank you for dinner every night. I say it when the kids or dh cook).

AlwaysDancing1234 · 11/07/2016 20:52

I sort of get where you are coming from!

When we moved to our new house the garden and yards were 4 foot high with weeds.
I did a bit each day and gradually the garden and yard look better. I also cut the grass weekly.
DH spent an hour doing a tiny bit and put down a bit of grass seed. Family over last weekend all praised DH on the garden ignoring the fact I've spent HOURS on it!

He's also good with tech stuff so got £50 voucher from a relative for helping with computer. I had spent hours helping them with letter writing & legal stuff, got zilch boo boo poor me.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 11/07/2016 20:54

The "super cook but only at Xmas" type thing drives me nuts too!

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 11/07/2016 20:56

Ah yes the "invisible" work - YANBU.

DH and I don't have children, but we run a business. Well I run it, and I run the household while he does his course, and he does the stuff in the business that gets noticed so everyone says how fabulous and inspirational he is.

Annoying

EllaHen · 11/07/2016 21:04

Jesus this is depressing. Men are valued, women aren't. In bucketloads if this thread is anything to go by.

I don't know how we change it.

BookABooSue · 11/07/2016 21:06

Well I run it, and I run the household while he does his course, and he does the stuff in the business that gets noticed so everyone says how fabulous and inspirational he is.
Sukey I really relate to this. It pisses me off no end. Just last week, we were both at a business event and people kept telling me how proud I should be of him, I had a fixed polite smile on my face for hours.
I don't want to be the wind beneath his wings. I want to be recognised as an eagle in my own right damn it.

MaisieDotes · 11/07/2016 21:08

DS1 (nearly 2) is doing the daddy thing too. It's been going on for bloody months now.

I have to be fine with it IRL but secretly I'm and

DS1's newest trick is to snuggle in to DH at any opportunity and sigh "oh, dada" contentedly.

He won't come near me when DH is around.

Hassled · 11/07/2016 21:11

RhiWrites point is a damn good one - why isn't he saying "well, I'm lucky to be able to spend all this time doing X, Y and Z while Justmeagain sorts the kids/house/whatever". Would you feel less eclipsed if he did that? I think you need to talk to him about how it's making you feel - because his response to all the praise must be a massive factor in you posting here in the first place.

RandomMess · 11/07/2016 21:12

Your DH needs to acknowledge publically how much you to do to support him. Certainly when I used to be involved in stuff I made a point of mentioning that it was only because DH was happy to support me by holding the fort at home etc.

dalek · 11/07/2016 21:14

You are appreciated by the people who know. My dh is popular, happy to help anyone etc etc. I do the everyday mundane crap. I was once chatting to a friend (his friend originally but now a joint friend) and made some comment about how if I ever split up with DH everyone would be saying what the hell did she do that for? She really surprised by saying of course we wouldn't. We know he can only do those things because you are here and we would want to still see you. Also said that although he seems perfect to the outside world we know they are not like that all the time - especially to those closest to them.

People do know. My mother on the other hand thinks DH is way too good for me and i am lucky to have him!

BerriesandLeaves · 11/07/2016 21:18

When we stayed with my inlaws, if my dh ever changed a nappy they were in raptures and thought it was hilarious.

Original poster

Justmeagain78 · 11/07/2016 21:21

I think it's a particular issue with my mum. The other week dh was with my friend's toddler in the garden. The toddler was playing on the sand table and dh was next to him, occasionally saying something or wiping the toddler's dribble. He's very good with children but my mum was watching him and practically wet her pants saying "Oh he's one in a million - he's so wonderful with children!"

Not only do I raise my children but I work in early years education making sure they all get a good start in life and lots of attention and encouragement. Not once has she ever praised my abilities with children!

Yeah I get the Christmas dinner thing too. Dh puts the turkey in the oven and carves it and gets thanked and praised. I peel and chop the mountains of veggies, decorate the room, tidy up, amuse the children

nobody gives a toss!

OP posts:

GrumpyOldBag · 11/07/2016 21:21

feck.

Wish my DH did a tenth of what OP's does.

EverythingWillBeFine · 11/07/2016 21:34

The problem is that you invisible too everyone even your DH....
So whatever he does is FNTASTIC, the fact he can only do it because yu are there to look after the dcs etc.. Is forgotten. Etc etc

I would have a word with him about it actually.
And I would make a point to highlight the work you are doing (eg well we onlly have vegetables because I'm looking after the dcs whilst he is at allotment' or even better, give him the dcs to take to the allotment!

These are people who are still living in the 1950 and think a man can only work and does nothing else whereas all 'woman's work' is taken for granted :(

MunchCrunch01 · 11/07/2016 21:34

my DH is a wonderful cook - he's so good at it, he could've been a professional chef if he wasn't really successful at something else. I wish I'd been allowed to cook Christmas dinner even once though, but it'd never live up to his standards. I quite like cooking but the DC eat it under sufferance - it's awful being out-competed :) He's also fascinating to talk too, a genius etc. Can take quite a battering on the old ego! It's made me lazy as I've mostly given up trying new recipes as I can rely on DH to whip something up.

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