To feel a bit eclipsed by my dh?

[Justmeagain78]

Ok I know I'm being unreasonable but I just need help dealing with my unreasonable feelings - no flaming please!

DH is a bit of a Mr Perfect. He's kind, good humoured, hard-working, funny etc. and will do anything for anyone. He's the kind of person who can fix anything and is great at cooking and gardening too. I try to keep up but I seem to mess up anything practical. I've always loved those things about him and I always will but just lately I've been feeling a bit resentful of all the praise he gets even though I know he deserves it.

Every time we have people over, he gets praised. I know people are more likely to notice that the garden is looking lovely rather than the house is clean and the laundry is done so I don't expect credit for my more mundane tasks but it still rankles me when it happens. They praise him for growing his own vegetables but don't stop to praise me for looking after the children for half a day at a time so he can disappear to the allotment. He does help family members a lot with things like computers, DIY etc. I wish I could help in those ways but I don't have the skills and knowledge. I listen to everyone's woes and supervise their children when they need help but again that's something that is largely under the radar. Everyone tells me constantly how lucky I am to have him and I know I am but I can't help bristling when people say this so much or when they always ask his opinion on things and never mine even though I do have well thought out opinions on most things.

To top it off, my dd (age 4) is going through a rather long phase of wanting daddy and telling me she hates me. Last week dh helped my mum install her new computer and she's bought him a new tablet for several hundred pounds because he's "been so brilliant!". I know he deserves it but I would have helped her if I could, I've had nothing new for years and he gets all that. He felt awkward about it, saying to me it was very over the top and he doesn't help people to get rewards and I don't blame him but again he's getting recognition all the time. I was having to take care of things at home yet again to enable him to help her.

I know I sound dreadful and ungrateful but I'd appreciate if there is anyone who can empathise in any way or give me something constructive to help. It's hard - when you're married to the perfect one, what does that make you? Invisible, it seems.

I think it is harder to do the daily mundane jobs rather than the glory jobs.

Washing, peeling veg, wiping bums

Thankless boring stuff. With no acknowledgement

I know how you feel OP....... My DH is also a Mr perfect. Good at just about everything, and yet modest; laid back and charming as well. Everyone loves him, and there have been times I have resented that without knowing why. He is impossible to pick a fight with because he is so reasonable and nice, and yet not boring. He is charming and funny and can fix just about any problem we ever have, and he is nearly always right. It proper pisses me off at times.

Talk with your dh, say you love the support and help he gives but you feel that your role in the relationship is undermined. You would also like acknowledgement and appreciation sometimes, just be noticed for the good things you do. Praise each other and the good you do to help and support each other that making you lives work together. You can also counter this some by praising everyone/others for small things like, lovely hair, great job done, good with kids, amazing cook, great sense of humour aso, has to be truthful though. Share the goods as it were, it gets contagious after awhile and people will look for positives. Compliments all around. This won't undermine your dh but boost everyone including yourself.

I don't think it's necessarily a men appreciated more thing, I think it's more that the people in the active helping role get the praise and it's those in the background that make it possible don't necessarily get the acknowledgement.

For example with the poster who said their DH drove 500 miles to help their parents or PIL, many see that as a bigger inconvenience than say staying at home looking after kids, which can be stressful but it's seen as what you would have been doing anyway. Rightly or wrongly.

One solution might be to help with the allotment and diy, learn some of the skills your husband has, and rationalise the situation. You praise some one, male or female, for diy and gardening as those are skills not every one has. However parents can't expect to be praised for looking after their own children

I think it is definitely a male appreciated more thing. I was very successful in one area when the children were young and DH did a huge amount of holding the domestic fort to enable me to compete (for my country, I should add).

Believe me, no one failed to notice i could only be out there being successful because I had a DH doing the grunt work. In fact, people went out of their way often to belittle my achievements and make me feel shit about it (not my DH, who is wonderful). Women, know your place.

OP - when your DH gets praised he should acknowledge your contributions every. single. time. Even better if he could add something about women so often being taken for granted. Then he really would be Mr Perfect.

I feel your pain a bit.

Dh is like this. In the last few weeks we were looking for a wardrobe and a dining table. I couldn't find what I wanted. So he built them and they are stunning. He has never done anything like this before. He just finds stuff easy .

He also does all the cooking so when people come round, of course it's him they compliment.

However my family always make the effort to mention things they know I have done. Like the decorating, or the tidying, or dressing the table, or how polite the kids are, how nice they are dressed, the effort I went to for their Christmas morning etc.

However dh is definitely a hands on parent. He grows his own veg in the garden and involves the kids. He does at least 50% of the childcare, so I arent left feeling resentful that his achievements have been supported by me watching the kids while he disappears.

Maybe you actually feel resentful that you are the default babysitter which is what gives him chance to be so generous with his time.

Oh and yes, dh always points out what I have done too. The neighbour complimented the new kitchen, first thing dh said was 'it wasn't all me, dw did it with me. Couldn't have done it in my own' or something like that.

Whatthese, surely your example does not show men are more appreciated, people did not praise your husband because he can't expect to be praised for looking after his own children.

The diminishing of your effort was just plain rude, btw what was it you did ?