AIBU that my husband won't even request flexible working hours?

[Happypeas]

My husband is on a three week rolling shift pattern. In order for me to go back to work I need him to ask for a change in one Friday shift that occurs every three weeks from a 7-3 to a 10-6. He's refusing to even consider asking. Because of his rolling shift pattern it limits the type of works and day I can work so I don't end up just working to pay childcare. There are people on his team who have flexible working hours approved so I know it's not impossible. He just wants me to work around his shifts.

For fucks sake. READ THE OP

There are people on his team who have flexible working hours approved so I know it's not impossible. He just wants me to work around his shifts

And maybe AGAIN

There are people on his team who have flexible working hours approved so I know it's not impossible. He just wants me to work around his shifts.

So stop bleating on about the inflexibility of shift work or the tewibble tewibble effects on a manly man's manly fucking career when the OP already said it's totally irrelevant.

I mean, are you humans who can read or just bloody bots posting the same dull drivel over every thread that happens to hit the key words "DH" and "flexible working"?

I totally agree that it is very little to ask of him especially as his employers allow others to have flexibility, but I sort of don't understand how the change in shift one Friday in 3 lifts the school hours restriction. Is it that you would pay for/organise childcare (between you) the rest of the week and a fifth day is too much?

Is it a bit early to request though as you haven't got a job yet? Just thinking he may not need to do it if you get a job with school hours or can't get a job. Or if he needs to request a different shift or more shift changes.

He can only make 1 request in a 12 month period so it is jumping the gun to do it now.

I think you are best speaking to DH telling him you are job hunting. Apply and if you get a job you sit down and say we need childcare x days x time how are we going to sort this.

I was ready to say YABU based on your title but if others can request it then he should too.
I'd be furious that he wasn't supporting my career, pension and finances just because he wants his weekend to be 3 hours longer.

april what is telling you that once the OP has a job she won't earn just as much as he does??
Or that IF she has the chance to actually do what she wants to do/is able to do, she wouldn't actually earn MORE than him?

YANBU OP.

But Jesus, maybe some of these stepford wives want to get off the internet and get their husband's tea on.

Nicknacks yes. I haven't even applied yet! I'm likely to get it though due to the type of work it is. I only asked him to ask for this if I do get the job. I'm restricted to these hours as I'm about to ask my friend to do a child care swap for the school runs again before I apply.

Ok I reread that and wanted to say I am not having a go at you personally april.
It's just that this idea that because MAN earns money then MAN gets to do as he pleases and WOMAN has to just fit around him derives me bonkers.

In people in their 20s, women now earns more than men. Women have the potential to be bringing just as much money as men do. But somehow, as soon as a woman becomes a mother, she is suposed to want to be at home, make the dcs her priority,m rearrange her hours to fit school hours ensure that her wage isn't less than the cost of childcare.
Surely childcare is something that helps both men and women to go to work? So why putting, again, squarely into the woman's shoulders?
Why should it be all about what the man can do, his advancement at work blablabla but never about the woman's ability to work, her advancement etc...

Of course as a SAHM you will fit around your DH work. But that's not the situation the OP wants to be in (and in some ways, he is forcing that onto her)

Apply, secure the job, and then work it out between you.

surely if he is the main wage earner then yes his job must come first

1. He is only the main wage earner because he is making it impossible for his wife to work lucratively. A simple request for a shift alteration would mean there were two wage earners.

2. This is not about his job coming first. This is about his wishes coming first. It is clear in the OP that his job would be unaffected by the shift change request.

If he had a job that was inflexible and OP wanted him to jeopardise it so she could do a hobby, then your argument might stand up more.

user you are correct on that one because all the men in my life would starve before they thought of making tea .

I'm struggling to understand what hours you are hoping to work whereby a 7-3 causes childcare problems but a 10-6 doesn't? Surely with working 7-3 he can do the after school bit which is the main cost?

Please don't find a way to work round him. Make him ask. Or how will he ever accept your job being important, that he needs to take time off for sick dcs etc.

Glitter

So true though.

I didn't mention men v women. I know some of my friends with shift pattern jobs would not be allowed to do this and it would.put them in an awkward position to even ask. Male or female.

I don't get it though. Surely him working 10-6 means you are restricted to school hours as you'll need to do the pick ups. If he stays at 7-3 then he's be able to pick up.
Or am I missing something obvious?

I think April is posting from the 1950s.

I don't get it though. Surely him working 10-6 means you are restricted to school hours as you'll need to do the pick ups. If he stays at 7-3 then he's be able to pick up.

If the DH starts at 10 he can do school drop offs. There are far more after school options here than there are pre-school options and may be the same for the OP. Especially if she's looking to work school hours which would mean she finishes around the same time as the children and would only need an activity/childcare swap etc for an hour or so.

Whereas if her DH does 7-3 they'll need before and after school care, with before school care being harder to find.

I would be going back to work supply teaching. I have a friend who I can childcare swap with after school Friday but no one for the morning. That's why i need morning care on a Friday and not after school.

So you have totally facilitated everything so it makes no impact on him at all apart from this shift every third Friday. You are in no way being unreasonable at all.

Take the job. He can swap shifts or he can source and pay for appropriate childcare. His call.

This type of thing drives me mad! My husband and I work for the same organisation - him full-time and me part-time. In the various years that we have been juggling childcare he has never asked or utilised any of the family friendly policies that our organisation has to offer ( parental leave etc) because he works in a section that has very few women and therefore feels it's not the done thing. ( and that they won't be open to it). My argument is that if no-one ever asks then the management have no incentive to consider family needs / issues when making their shit decisions about shift patterns/ compulsory overtime etc. And you never know they could surprise us. Usually it falls to me to cover child's sickness etc ( working from home sometimes) which makes me feel guilty since my section then carry all the burden and it makes it harder for women to progress since employers are concerned about constant extractions for family reasons. I would go for the job you want and then hand over responsibility for covering the necessary time to him. ( watch the blank face as he tries to compute the request!)

Ps I'm part-time because as a couple we agreed that we didn't want DD in childcare full-time. It restricts my pay and pension and limits my opportunities to advance. It does not mean that my career is less important. Your career should not be sacrificed just because he doesn't want to ask for a shift change.

What Han said. Make it his problem.