To fire my au pair

[Mummaaaaaah]

DD, 4, casually informed us yesterday that our new au pair had pinched and twisted DS' ears (6) a few times when he was naughty. When it didn't work she used her nails. DS confirmed exactly the same story when we asked him. Including the bit about the nails. We are horrified and sacked her as soon as she got home. She hasn't denied the ear pinching but says he was laughing not crying. She didn't do it to hurt and her mother used to do this to her when she was naughty. As on 4th au pair I have a big manual that I give them when they arrive and go through it. It includes no shouting or physical violence of any kind and suggest alternative punishments. Woke up this morning to a DH who seems to be acting as if we've over reacted. I feel dreadful about the whole thing but the trust has been broken. Did we over react? At mo feeling so guilty and worst mother ever!

If you are firing her you are doing her a favour. You are providing her with a learning opportunity that using physical punishment is not ok and hopefully she does reflect about it and will not do that to her own children.
Otherwise you give the go ahead for further physical escalation on your little darlings.

I think you have done absolutely the right thing. As you say, you can no longer trust her to have sole charge of your DC. What a shame for you.

I wouldn't give up on au pairs yet, maybe try to work out if there were any signs at application and interview stage that she would be likely to apply her rules over yours. That type of alpha personality doesn't work well as an au pair IMO, but it can come across as efficient and confident in an interview.

YANBU. Absolutely not acceptable.

sleeponeday they were work email addresses. for real people (i checked)

Ah, okay.

You've been really unlucky. But lucky that your kids told you so quickly.

Could you report her for this to the police? They won't do anything, I don't imagine, but if she needs an enhanced DBS then allegations are flagged up too, I believe. And you can't assault children lawfully unless you are a parent and it's reasonable chastisement, so she was actually outside the law, so you have grounds to report it.

It won't prevent her working if a family doesn't mind this sort of thing, but it will mean that they know before they hire her. Which has to be a good thing.

I don't actually know how a DBS check works for an au pair, thinking about it, so maybe it would prevent her employment in this country? But even if it does, I think that's a good thing. She's not caring at all if the kids aren't even dressed properly and she's assaulting them.

Nobody fully apprised of this would want her looking after their kids.

If you are going to get cheap, young uneducated people to parent your children then what do you expect.

Parent your own children or employment someone who is qualified to do the job. Like a nanny.

YANBU, I wouldn't pinch or twist their ears, god forbid, so couldn't tolerate that.

Yanbu at all.

Hope you manage to get something sorted for the summer

nutellacrumpet FFS this isn't meant to be a debate about the rights and wrongs of au pairing. I actually paid her and treated her pretty darn well and i haven't found a nanny round here prepared to do so few hours. You think I should expect her to mistreat the children?

Glad you are obviously so wealthy you can either manage on one income or afford a nanny at £30k per year. I can't.

Ignore her op. Mumsnet is weird about au pairs. If you're not skivvying about after the au pair yourself while paying for the privilege you're an evil exploiter

thanks moving

so she's now whatsapped me to say she is safe (I asked her to let me know she was ok). She has told me that as an AHAD DS needs stricter parents and that's what he wants if not he is going to get worse. Am FUMING!!!!!!!!!!!

YADNBU and I don't know what your DH is thinking.

However, thinking about some DCs' idea of what constitutes "shouting" and my own occasionally raised voice while you are perfectly within your rights to ask au pairs not to shout, I'm not sure how easy it would be to fire one for shouting if your DCs say she was and she says "yes but I was shouting up the stairs" or "actually I said WILL you put your shoes on and WILL was a bit louder/higher than the rest of the sentence".

nutella some people exploit au pairs. Others do what you're meant to, and ask for some basic childminding for a strictly limited number of hours plus very light housework in exchange for board and lodging. Done right, it's a good deal for both sides.

Not sure why a childminder would be a better solution than offering a foreign national a safe, affordable way to live abroad and earn some pocket money whilst studying the language and culture. Which is what it is supposed to be for, and what the OP clearly states she did.

And as for "what do you expect" - I don't expect someone to assault very young children even if they do feel exploited by The Man. And it's both ageist and snobby to say young and/or uneducated people are likely to do so.

OP you've named your son?

She's a spiteful cow. Honestly, I'd report her. She won't be any better to another child, and the next may be a toddler who can't tell anyone what she is doing.

mmm i was an idiot when I was young. How about an older lady offering child care?

It seems that you've just had an au pair completely unable to change the way she is doing things/her way to look at things.
She has her own cultural references/ways of dealing wit things and seems unable to accept that 1- people can have other ways of doing things and 2- different sets of expectations behaviour wise.

She is probably not suited to some au pair work.

randomer am currently researching granny au pairs! Its a whole new world.

re what consitutes shouting, I clearly state that if the children are being naught, no shouting at them, pulling, dragging, hitting, pushing etc etc. Raised voice is different (thank god or I'd be in trouble!!)

I'm now so cross about her judgy whatsapp to me. Who is she to tell me I need to be stricter with my DS and that he has ADHD!! (he doesn't)

Delete her. Honestly just do it and be thankful you are rid. What a hateful person she is

Pearlman she has been with us for 2 weeks and thinks I am too lenient because I don't use physical violence to punish my children. She has also stated that she knows he has ADHD (he doesn't!) Sorry but WTF?