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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fire my au pair

78 replies

Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 08:55

DD, 4, casually informed us yesterday that our new au pair had pinched and twisted DS' ears (6) a few times when he was naughty. When it didn't work she used her nails. DS confirmed exactly the same story when we asked him. Including the bit about the nails. We are horrified and sacked her as soon as she got home. She hasn't denied the ear pinching but says he was laughing not crying. She didn't do it to hurt and her mother used to do this to her when she was naughty. As on 4th au pair I have a big manual that I give them when they arrive and go through it. It includes no shouting or physical violence of any kind and suggest alternative punishments. Woke up this morning to a DH who seems to be acting as if we've over reacted. I feel dreadful about the whole thing but the trust has been broken. Did we over react? At mo feeling so guilty and worst mother ever!

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 11/07/2016 09:50

She shouldn't been working with kids full stop.
YANBU sacking her. I just hope she doesn't get another job again with kids.

TheRealPosieParker · 11/07/2016 09:51

YANBU

However Au pairs are cheap, usually over worked and under paid.

Why not get someone more experienced to look after your children?

Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 09:52

she's 28!!! upon reflection she did have a bit of an attitude, that she was always right. i had one of the school mums text to say her DH had had to redress my DS as he was so scruffy, and DS wasn't wearing any socks. When i asked her she was incredibly defensive and argumentative, rather than apologetic, and made out that we, and the school, were pretty stupid to think these things are important. they don't even have uniform in France etc etc.

We didn't go through an agency, we use aupairworld which I am obv now rethinking too!

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 11/07/2016 09:52

Is there someone you can report her to OP?

What if she goes to another family and they have an even younger child,she could hurt them and they wouldn't be able to say!

I worked with SS in the past and this is something that we'd have taken seriously and the smoking in the car with your children is a big no no alone but what she did to your son is abuse!
It was always familys I worked with never had to deal with an au pair but if I had it would have been taken just as seriously.

blueshoes · 11/07/2016 09:58

Aupairs who always think they are right and get defensive when you pull them up is a red flag. They tend to ignore rules, be subversive behind your back and cut corners.

It is nothing to do with the fact they are aupairs or nannies. It is their personality, how they react to authority and how they view their duties within the family.

You landed with a dud. It is almost impossible to screen because they are nice-as-pie during the interview. I have thought back on interviews and tried to see how I (or an agency) could have spotted it. Short of getting feedback from a family she previously worked for over a period of time, it is quite difficult. Hey, I get that problem not just from aupairs but people I hire at work. With aupairs, it is more difficult because it is an unskilled job that they are coming into without relevant experience, hence more difficult to ask questions to spot.

Don't beat yourself up. Just move on. And if she has previous aupair experience, make sure you speak to the host family to get a reference.

Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 10:11

I got two references, all shining! but yes, another lesson learned in the grand journey of motherhood. I think if this hadn't happened we would have fallen out over something else...

OP posts:
Mycraneisfixed · 11/07/2016 10:12

Sorry to hear you had a bad experience but don't give up on au pairs. Try and get a younger one next time who will follow your guidelines.

Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 10:16

*YANBU

However Au pairs are cheap, usually over worked and under paid.

Why not get someone more experienced to look after your children?*

we paid well, give great hours, part of the family, amazing studio room, pay for gym, has car to use in her own time, let her sister come and stay (the smoker I think!!) and all our au pairs in the past give us glowing references. I know there are some truly dreadful people out there who treat their au pairs badly but for us we think the person looking after our children should be treated with respect and given a great experience during their year with us.

I commute to town, have some crazy hours from time to time and an au pair has been a really flexible way to cover before and after school. Not many nannies want just a few hours a day..........

OP posts:
TheRealPosieParker · 11/07/2016 10:17

Perhaps I have a skewed view as I've yet to meet a family who didn't treat one like a skivvy.

acasualobserver · 11/07/2016 10:20

You set very clear standards and she fell very far below them. What else could you have done?

blueshoes · 11/07/2016 10:20

Did you speak to the referees? What did they say? I agree it is not fool-proof but paper references don't generally add very much. The best reference is from a family she previously lived with as an aupair, because they will (generally) know the score, but again, I have had host family referees who pulled their punches, not wanting to scupper her next role, so again, it is not 100% reliable but still better than nothing because you can at least draw conclusions from what they do not say, as much as what they do say.

I prefer younger ones as well. Aupair-ing is not a job, it is an experience. I question a 28 year old who is not yet in gainful employment and still pottering around during an unskilled job. There is usually a reason why they are drifting.

My best aupairs had something substantial they wanted to go back to do (like a degree) which showed they had ambition, sticking power and pride in their work. They normally could not stay for a full year but 6 months with a great aupair is still better than one year with a patchy one.

Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 10:38

blueshoes - I had email chats with her references. their english was no good. she had au paired overseas before. i really liked her. will try again. last two au pairs were 25 and 28 - one wanted to move to UK from SA and become a nanny so she got a year's experience with us first. but she was more a mother's help and had lots of childcare experience in SA. She was amazing and we all still miss her. 28 year old was spanish, wanted to be a teacher back in spain and had to get his english level up. He had his faults (would actually watch chicken roasting in an oven rather than multi task) but generally was pretty amazing. So not sure about the youth thing. the role with us involves considerable driving in country lanes so we def need an experienced driver.

currently searching online for after school nannies and putting kids into clubs for the summer. then we'll see!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 10:39

TheRealRosieParker - I've heard some shocking stories too, but also some great successes.

OP posts:
amidawish · 11/07/2016 10:40

Perhaps I have a skewed view as I've yet to meet a family who didn't treat one like a skivvy.

really?
i know plenty of friends with aupairs. all treated really well.

to OP, YDNBU. well rid. move on.

TheWindInThePillows · 11/07/2016 10:55

Perhaps I have a skewed view as I've yet to meet a family who didn't treat one like a skivvy

My friend who has an au pair doesn't treat her ike a skivvy, in fact, they are exceptionally nice and probably too soft and so the au pair does very little in the house and goes out partying a lot!

I have also heard about someone who treated their au pair badly, but the au pair soon got wind that there were better families out there and jumped ship.

I don't think it sounds like the OP is doing anything remotely wrong, the 'deal' sounds good for the right person.

KoalaDownUnder · 11/07/2016 11:05

I actually think whether it hurt is the point Hmm

If it was a funny thing done gently to make him laugh, no big deal.

The question does actually bear asking. Anyway, sorted now, so there you go.

Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 11:12

yes it hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 11:14

poor lad didn't tell us as he was being naughty when she did it so he thought HE'D get in trouble. he has just said that her hurting him was a game. Shock

in no way should pain be part of any "game" or play situation. I've explained to the children that no adult is ever to hurt a child and that AP made a mistake but it was a big mistake so she has to go home. Hope they get it. Feel dreadful they were put in this position in the first place.

OP posts:
EveOnline2016 · 11/07/2016 11:22

Yanbu and I try to see the good in every situation.

Perhaps have a word with DC and say how proud you are of them for coming to you and that it was the au fault not there's

Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 11:24

thanks Eve, good plan

OP posts:
NoahVale · 11/07/2016 11:25

agree you perhaps need some younger, more pliable, less arrogant,
good luck. i am sure 99% of au pairs are not like this

amarmai · 11/07/2016 11:45

Why wd your h be on the side of the au pair. And not on his dcc' side? You fired the au pair as you shd have and he thinks you shdn'd have?

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 11/07/2016 12:16

Yadnbu

She wasn't even sorry for a momentary lapse (still not ok!) she thinks its fine to treat small children like that.

sleeponeday · 11/07/2016 12:33

I had email chats with her references

I don't mean to sound thick, but how did you know they weren't her using fake accounts, if email was your sole contact?

Original poster
Mummaaaaaah · 11/07/2016 12:34

DH isn't on her side, he is just worried that we over reacted. But he does now agree we had no choice. No way I could toddle off to work leaving her in charge of the DCs. No way I could trust her. He gets that. He doesn't trust her either. It's just all been a bit of a shock to be honest. DH was brilliant last night, totally took control of the situation and was very firm. (I of course was a quivering wreck!)

OP posts: