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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that he has done it again

34 replies

Highlandfling80 · 10/07/2016 23:59

So dh and I both have health issues. His issues are probably more long term and require frequent blood test's. I have had multiple symptoms but my issues are less permanent.
I a a Sah and dh is employed in a high level job.
So about 2 years ago I had a colonoscopy under sedation which thankfully was clear. Dh couldn't spare the time to take a day off so he wfh and took me in and collected me. In theory I wasn't supposed to be in charge of small children for 24 hours but upon collecting me from hospitals he decided he needed a blood test. He suggested me and 2 and 8 year old wait in car whilst he did this. I refused as I didn't want 8 year old having responsibility if I was poorly. Do we all went to blood test section but J was the one running after toddler even before dh went in. The rest of the day I spent looking after DC whilst he worked. Fortunately I was fine. A few months later he took day off for him to go on a day out do he could have taken day off for me.
So tomorrow I am having minor op under GA as a day case. He is dropping me off and collecting and I have arranged for a family member to be there tomorrow to look after DC and me if discharged early.
On Tuesday dh has taken day off as I need an adult with me for 24 hours and my family member can't stay but yet again he is sneaking off to get s blood test done.
Ainu to be fed up that my needs seen to always be trumped by his.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 11/07/2016 00:06

He sounds like he always needs to be more ill than you and is doing it to prove a point. Does he have to have regular blood tests?No need at all for him to pick those particular days though.

Only1scoop · 11/07/2016 00:10

Yes he could obviously book the day off.

Why does he run off for a blood test whenever he is in a hospital?

Hope all goes well with your op Flowers

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 00:14

Yes he does have to have them. I think he said this time that he couldn't get a different day at the right time. Of course he needs 1St or last appointments as he works.
I guess I am increasingly feeling that he is using his health condition to get out of things. Most evenings he is too tired to do anything but rest on bed. Yet I just have to get on with it.
Even when I have a truly legitimate reason such as sedation or surgery it still feel like it cannot be truly about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 00:17

This time blood test will be at GPS but last time it was at the hospital.
Thank you. It is a routine op but still feeling anxious. Hence why I am still awake.

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 11/07/2016 00:23

Sounds like you're having a tedious competition. He's hardly "sneaking off" when you know he's going!

lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2016 00:29

Yes, it sounds like he doesn't take looking after you / being available for you / your health very seriously. He thinks 'day off, what can I get done for me'.

I guess that by defining his issues as more serious than yours, he's mentally negated yours, in a 'one nil' game, or sees them just as inconvenience, rather than seeing both as real and serious, his sometimes more serious, yours more important when something's happening.

Hope all goes well for you tomorrow (it will of course) Flowers

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 00:30

He presented it to me as a fair accompi though. He only told me tonight he had booked it. I suppose I could ask him to cancel it but I guess I will be OK. Obviously if I feel rough still I will go with him but I doubt he will take Dd3 in with him. Something I do each timelIne visit Gp.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/07/2016 00:31

"I know you are ill and I am looking after you, but never forget that I AM SICKER THAN YOU!!"

Its a pathetic attempt at making sure that all the attention is on him.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2016 00:32

He is sneaking off - sneaking out of his agreed task of allowing OP to recover by looking after the 2yo. Skiving off his job for the day. More importantly, dumping that job on her, directly against medical advice.

Bogeyface · 11/07/2016 00:32

X Post

Why dont you ask him to cancel? He does this because you always say "I guess I will be ok" or you get someone to watch the kids so he doesnt have to.

He wont get how serious this is until you make him accept it.

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 00:33

Thank you.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2016 00:36

I would ask him to cancel too - remind him of the task he's signed up for, for the day - or take the 2yo with him (I've done that many times for blood tests, they're quick, she loves playing with the toys in the waiting room, no prob at all).

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 00:39

Cross post.maybe I will get him to cancel depending on how I feel. Guess I have always fallen for the Sah just gets on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 00:44

Lottie that was what I suggested. We all go as I will be safe in waiting room if I react or have a funny turn. But he seemed reluctant as youngest will be with us.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2016 00:46

When I had minor surgery the hospital was very clear that unless I had someone at home to 'babysit' me for a certain period I could not go home. In fact one time I had to stay in hospital overnight precisely because I didn't (new area, surgery date changed so friend I'd lined up couldn't do it).

If they were aware you weren't being looked after they wouldn't let you go. More so if they knew you'd be taking responsibility for children. Maybe check that with them?

Being a SAHM doesn't make you invulnerable. 'Just get on with it' is for colds and tiredness, not for post-op recuperation - during which time the medical staff are taking responsibility for you by ensuring you have care. Do not lie to them.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2016 00:50

In the end, his job for the day is looking after you and the DC. It's not possible for him to take time off from that job.

Dragging you to the GPs is really not on when you should be resting). I was thinking of the 2yo, not of your need to have an adult present, so no, don't do that).

Bogeyface · 11/07/2016 00:52

My sister cant have children, one of the reasons she was having surgery in fact, so childcare was not an issue. BIL still took the next 2 days off work because she needed someone with her.

You will not be considered safe to be on your own, never mind safe to look after a child! Insist he cancels.

I think that the sickness competition is running alongside his desire to look like he is doing the right thing, whilst also skiving off and having a couple of hours to himself instead of actually looking after his own kids.

Start saying no.

You are NOT able to care for your child that day. You are NOT able to go to the test. He either takes her with him, finds childcare himself or he cancels but you are not going to be available or involved in any way shape or form. Say it, mean it, do it.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 11/07/2016 00:54

Actually "sneaking off" is a fair description - he is finding a way to sidestep his responsibilities.

The OP is not choosing to engage in a competition Hmm. She just wants her 'D'H to actually show some basic consideration of her health issues. It's not unreasonable for him to look after her and DC after an op, ffs. As for the sedation and needing someone with you for 24 hrs - I was offered a night in hospital if I couldn't find anyone to watch me when I got back after a sedation, that is how seriously they take it. OP should not have been left looking after DC.

Try to get some sleep OP, and hopefully posters better able to advise will be along in the morning. All the best, and YADNBU! Flowers

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 11/07/2016 00:55

oops, severe x-post!

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 00:56

The criteria is that I need an adult with me for 24 hours post surgery. In theory he will be there but if he has blood test it will mean I have to go with him. Think cancelling is realistically the only option. Anything better try to sleep. Thank you for replies.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/07/2016 00:57

Oh and "Time off to look after X = time for me" I heard an incredible one of these.

My then best friend was having her second child. Paternity leave sorted, nursery decorated, bag packed. All was good. Then a week before her EDD, her husband said that he really needed to get to B&Q to make sure they had everything ready. She was a bit confused as she thought that the nursery was sorted. It was. He needed to buy the paint to redecorate their lounge during his PL as it needed doing and he didnt want to waste his 2 weeks "off". Hmm

Bogeyface · 11/07/2016 00:59

I dont think that you should cancel his appt.

Tell the hospital that you dont have anyone who can be with you at home for 24 hours.

They will keep you in and he will learn what parening actually involves.

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 11/07/2016 01:01

1 hour post sedation I was running around after Dd whilst he was doing his blood test. Although Tbf I don't think I was sedated enough as I was still in pain and had to be given more. This time it is likely to be a GA. Last time I had one I was fine within an hour or so but I will be insisting I get the rest I need. I have lined up childcare for Wednesday too so hopefully can get some rest.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/07/2016 01:11

Sorry to say this OP, but you are part of the problem here.

YANBU to be pissed off about him, but YABU to do noting about it!

Sometimes it needs a fucking major kick off. A smack upside the head (metaphorically speaking) to make it clear what a selfish arse he is being. But you are not doing that!

You are expecting him to change his behaviour when he has no reason to. Why would be put you first when you dont expect him to or insist he does? Why would he use his day to care for you when he knows that you will manage without him? Why would he sort out childcare for his appointments when he knows that you will look after the kids or get a babysitter?

As I said above, start saying NO! Refuse to do anything. Dont arrange a sitter, dont go with him so he can "look after" you at his appointment! Go home, go to bed. Anything else is up to him.

Or stop moaning about it.

Renotry · 11/07/2016 02:21

I had a boyfriend like this once... whenever I was ill or had an appointment he magically come down with something that was "worse". Grin I was never looked after, never supported because no matter what my needs were or how sick I was, he turned it around and made it about himself as he craved attention. As someone else said, it's like a game some people play about who is the most sick and point scoring. Very silly.