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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to want dd to move out?

121 replies

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 12:02

Dd is 25. After Uni she came home. So 3 years ago. Not for good but so she could get herself organised & move on

Shes a qualified engineer. Earns very good money. She talks about moving out but hasn't.

Our home life has totally changed since she initially went to uni. I need her to move out. I have 2 boys with SN sharing a room who wake & disturb each other constantly. She works shifts so a nightmare keeping the younger dc quiet.

Personally, I would move due to the noise but shes just booked another holiday...

When I asked her what her plans are with regards to moving out, she got really annoyed with me.

AIBU? She 25 earns over £40k a year. 4 holidays this year. Brand new car. But wint sort her own place.

OP posts:

Orda1 · 10/07/2016 13:21

You're both embarrassments. It's your fault for enabling her.

ohtheholidays · 10/07/2016 13:22

Oh My God OP your not being soft your being a bloody doormat!

Kick her out,no point in starting to charge rent if she hasn't paid it so far and still hasn't bothered to save/look for anywhere else to move and for the love of God don't give her till Christmas.Tell her she has 2 weeks when she gets back from her holiday and that's end of discussion.

If she try's to guilt trip you again tell her of course your concern has to be for your youngest 2 they are children!She is not,she's a grown women and needs to start behaving like one!Plus the fact that your youngest children both have special needs!

We have 5DC and 2 of our DC are registered disabled/have special needs there's no way I'd put our oldest's wishes above they're very real needs and he would never expect me to neither and he's 5 years younger than your DD and earns less than half of what she does.

She's far from a child she's an adult!I was a Mum of 2DC when I was your daughters age.I moved out when I was 18 and I was earning no where what your daughters earning and my rent and council tax was £600 a month,I had hardly anything left at the end of the month but I had my own place,was paying my own way and self respect.

Time to the cut the apron strings OP,it's long overdue,do it for your younger DC,it sounds like them and you have enough going on and your daughters behaving like a spoilt brat,letting her carry on won't be doing her any favours.

CollegeGirl21 · 10/07/2016 13:26

She's living on the cheap with you, why on earth would she move?.

Give her a reason to move!!

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 13:30

Aggghhh. Typed long reply explsining why she needs to move before September not when she comes back from holiday as it will be too close to Christmas.

Dd dad died & I've seriously over compensated. She hates my dp & resents her siblings. I can't do right for wrong with her.

OP posts:

EarthboundMisfit · 10/07/2016 13:31

She does want to spend her money, OP, just on luxuries.
She's been living at home rent free for three years while you tiptoe around her.I'd tell her she needs to move out within six months, and I'd divide the bills equally between the adults in the house and make her pay her share until she goes. If you wanted, you could give her the money back at a later date.
She's going to struggle to rein in overspending on nonessentials after all this time. Don't let it get worse.

Vlier · 10/07/2016 13:31

Just tell her she needs to have her own place per september. Tell her today. Wake her up if you need to. Per september 1st she wont have a bedroom or a bed and her stuff will be either put into a storage if she rents ond or in her own home. She has had enough time and will not get organized till she has no other choice.

ilovesooty · 10/07/2016 13:32

I'd give her notice to leave and make it clear that is non negotiable. Why have you allowed her to do this for so long? It's abusive and parasitic behaviour which you're enabling.

ilovesooty · 10/07/2016 13:34

I wouldn't be putting her possessions in storage if she's not out by the beginning of September. They'd be going in a skip.

lilypoppet · 10/07/2016 13:34

go and visit rooms to let with her. She is just taking the easy option and not facing up to life as a grown up. Students can be like this for a good few years on leaving university. It takes time to realise you need to survive in the real world.

ilovesooty · 10/07/2016 13:41

Why should the OP given the demands on her at home visit rentals or facilitate the moving process? Just give her a date and tell her she's out.

AndNowItsSeven · 10/07/2016 13:43

Yabu an adult child should always be welcome in their home.

ilovesooty · 10/07/2016 13:45

In times of real need maybe. Her presence is toxic to the wider family by the sound of it and she has the wherewithal to move.

nuttymango · 10/07/2016 13:52

She's your daughter! Why are you wanting her to move out?
Yes, she should pay rent but other than that it's her home as well as yours.

Notmymonkeysnotmycircus · 10/07/2016 13:53

My brother is the same and he's now 38. He has moved out to be with his GF but he doesn't contribute much there either - she has two DC's so he refuses to 'keep' them as they aren't his. It's causing no end of problems between them but since he moved out of my fathers, my father has moved a woman in so its not so easy for DB to live back there. DB earns huge amounts a year but quite simply hasn't grown up and can't comprehend spending money to get a roof over his head.
Silly man, he'll turn around and he'll be 50 with nothing behind him at all.
Give her notice, you'll be doing her a favour in the long run.

IAmNotAMindReader · 10/07/2016 14:00

nuttymango Seriously??? RTFT! The Ops DD is an adult with her own wage who can well afford to move. The Op is in a situation which is less than ideal and her moving out would help ease issues considerably with her younger siblings and their additional needs. The Ops Dd does nothing to help despite being fully capable of it and actively resents the op and her siblings. Plus refuses to budge despite being told additional room is needed to accommodate the other dcs needs and the only place that can come from is the space she is currently using but doesn't really need as she's on a high enough wage and savings to have any number of other options open to her.

SabineUndine · 10/07/2016 14:01

nuttymango OP has explained that she needs the space. Her daughter is25 and makes no contribution to the family. Is the DD were less selfish she would move out of her own accord.

DotForShort · 10/07/2016 14:03

Of course YANBU. Your daughter is more than capable of standing on her own two feet and you clearly need the space for your younger children.

I really don't understand the concept that adult children have some sort of right to live in their parents' house indefinitely. It's her childhood home, not her home for life. Your DD contributes nothing financially or practically to the maintenance of the house. It is time for a "come-to-Jesus" meeting with her. Give her a deadline for moving out and stick to it.

ohtheholidays · 10/07/2016 14:04

Then tell her that then OP!

It's your house and she needs to move out.

Dandelionsmakeyouwee · 10/07/2016 14:08

What about asking her if she wants to looking at houses with you? and maybe approach her politely, tell her you've been looking at places to rent and you've seen some really nice ones near by. You could just say to her that you enjoy her company, but that you do need the extra bedroom now and think the idea of her living close by in her own house/apartment would be a good idea.

If she gets annoyed with you, give her a dead line. She has more than enough money to move out with.
I moved out at 20 living off student loans with my husband who worked full time. We shared an apartment together.

You can rent an apartment cheap if it's just her she has more than enough to cover it.

MapMyMum · 10/07/2016 14:09

She got annoyed because she knows she wont have as much spending money when she moves out! Have a frank talk with her. Could you suggest she shares with one of your ds so theyre not waking each other?

BendydickCuminsnatch · 10/07/2016 14:10

Aw don't feel like you've failed raising her OP. Sounds like you've both had a difficult time of it what with her dad dying etc. But she needs to take responsibility for herself, she's way less mature than her years if she's blaming you and getting all offended. For perspective I am 26, married, on my second home, business owner and a mother. None of that is down to my parents, it's your daughter's job to carve out her own life now and stand on her own two feet. So kick her out and let her get on with it!

Roussette · 10/07/2016 14:11

Why on earth does she do no chores and not pay rent? Why why? I just don't understand how you've got yourself into this position. As a pp said she is raking in thousands a month and paying you nothing.

Her home as well as yours. Hmmm. Not sure I agree with that. Yes it's her childhood home but I know I wouldn't want my 25yo DD to be moving back in! Of course, if something awful happened she'd be welcome home but just to save thousands and if I had younger children who needed my attention, no way.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 10/07/2016 14:12

She'll seriously be absolutely fine if she's earning £40k, way more than I've ever earned! She just doesn't want to face real life.

MouseholeCat · 10/07/2016 14:13

Tell her she needs to be gone asap- it's not fair on you or the rest of the family. If this was me, I'd be frank and honest with her about the impact it's having on the family dynamic. She's a fully fledged adult after all.

I'm tbh that she hasn't realised the impact on the family herself- I'm 25 and have been financially independent since I graduated at 21, partly because I knew my parents and my siblings needed the space! Yes, it's been financially hard at times, but you make it in the end and learn life skills through the process.

I'm earning £10k less than her and renting in London with my DH (earns same as me). We still manage to put away £1k a month to save for a flat.

EttaJ · 10/07/2016 14:16

YADNBU. Lazy and greedy , doing nothing for you and not paying rent. I wouldn't be asking her to leave I would be giving her a moving date and she'd be gone.

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