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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to want dd to move out?

121 replies

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 12:02

Dd is 25. After Uni she came home. So 3 years ago. Not for good but so she could get herself organised & move on

Shes a qualified engineer. Earns very good money. She talks about moving out but hasn't.

Our home life has totally changed since she initially went to uni. I need her to move out. I have 2 boys with SN sharing a room who wake & disturb each other constantly. She works shifts so a nightmare keeping the younger dc quiet.

Personally, I would move due to the noise but shes just booked another holiday...

When I asked her what her plans are with regards to moving out, she got really annoyed with me.

AIBU? She 25 earns over £40k a year. 4 holidays this year. Brand new car. But wint sort her own place.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 12:38

I wish MN had a'like' button!

OP posts:

Isitactuallyjustme · 10/07/2016 12:39

Wtaf? 40k a year?!
I WISH I earnt that, and I've been graduated 10 years

I admit my mum didn't charge me rent when I first graduated, but that was because I was working 12 hour night shifts for next to no money, BUT I saved up and moved out after 4 months

TELL HER she needs to either move out or contribute (financially and around the house) and if she guilt trips you then explain (quite rightly) that she can't (and likely won't want to) live at home forever, and by living at home enjoying the lifestyle she is (paying nothing), it's doing her no favours preparing for when she does move out

FairyDogMother11 · 10/07/2016 12:41

I'm 22. Bought a house with my partner six months after I finished uni. We've not been on any holidays since we decided to buy a house, we both paid rent and had to help around the house. I'm on a zero hour contract earning around £15,000 a year and my partner earns almost £19,000. Jointly we earn less and have bought a huge three bedroom house. You need to be firm with her. She's more than old enough to move out. If she doesn't want to spend her money, then how has she got a brand new car and been on four holidays? We don't have a car and as I said, holidays are a luxury not a necessity.

footballmum · 10/07/2016 12:41

So, you have all this advice. YADNBU. Are you actually going to do anything about it?

GoblinLittleOwl · 10/07/2016 12:42

Your daughter is staying at home so that she can have the lifestyle she enjoys, at your expense, even if she is paying you a reasonable rent. I went through similar with my daughter, although she was not nearly so financially secure, and I didn't need her bedroom. You will have a fight on your hands to make her move as at the moment she doesn't need to go and she is prepared to use guilt as a weapon against you.
Start by allowing your sons to be as noisy as they wish.
Have a serious talk with her about why you need her room.
Give her the option of staying, but only on condition that she pays for an extension to provide another bedroom, as the boys are too old to share and you were expecting her to have her own home by now.
Put her rent up immediately, never mind about new cars and holidays, and have financial details about extension plans ready.
You are going to have to be really tough with her, as she appears to be very selfish.

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 12:42

Shes very savy. She can budget. Shes resourceful. I have no concerns about her managing a flat etc whwn she moves out.

I just wondered if actually i was being unfair as i dont always have time due to the younger dc especially with 2 of them having quite severe SN.

I struggle to be objective with my dd...
As you all can tell!

OP posts:

PNGirl · 10/07/2016 12:43

Also you may not care about the younger ones more as she whinges but you have a responsibility to them to make their living situation as pleasant as possible as they do not have the means to do so. Her? Not so much.

sandy30 · 10/07/2016 12:43

My SIL was the same. Still living at home at 30 and on £50k a year, not paying a penny in rent. I would tell her that there is always a bed for her when she needs it, but right now she doesn't need it and for the sake of your long term relationship (which you value) she needs to go. If she raises the deposit issue then set her a reasonable deadline. If she has no bills then she could easily be saving £1k a month!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/07/2016 12:45

"Shes not afraid of living alone, its about money. She doesn't want to spend her money!"

Correction: she doesn't want to spend her money on rent as she can carry on living with you free of charge. If she truly didn't want to spend her money she'd have substantial savings by now rather than pissing it all away on a brand-new car and several holidays.

On 40k per annum she's taking home OVER TWO AND A HALF GRAND A MONTH before she pays any student loans. Some families with children have less than that.

New regime: she pays you a reasonable amount of board a month (equivalent to a room in a shared property in your area) and she starts saving to leave. By Christmas at the latest.

She's taking the piss at the moment and she knows it. The gravy-train is about to hit the buffers.

sandy30 · 10/07/2016 12:45

And plan some activities you can do with just your dd once she's moved out. You could use the money you're not spending on her food! She'll probably get more quality time with you that way than she does now.

KittensandKnitting · 10/07/2016 12:46

I think you already know this you have pretty much said it over the thread your daughter is utterly utterly spoilt and will never move out unless you start charging her rent and board or tell her too. I'm either case you are going to have a lot of stomping of feet and slamming of doors I should imagine.

My mum had it with my brother he earnt triple what she did, and complained constantly about the £200 rent she charged him, because he was saving for his house deposit. He even had his girlfriend pretty much living in the house remember my mum going mad when she was given a key!

You just need to tell her straight, I love you very much but it's time for you to leave.

BlunderWomansCat · 10/07/2016 12:47

At the end of the day she is a 25 year old adult and your younger children need your time and attention way more than she does. Particularly as they are Sen, I'm in the same boat and it is bloody exhausting raising dc's with Sen.

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 12:48

Goblin that is exactly the issue. I'm having work done on the house & she needs to move out so it can be done. I've got a surveyor coming on Tuesday.
I really hope the work will start mid September when the boys go back to school.

Staying isnt an option now. Her room is downstairs and we're having a wet room installed. Part of her room is being used to create it!

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 12:51

Sorry posted too soon.

Her room is the dining room which will be removed to make a wet room & the kitchen bigger. Her room actually physically won't exist.

She knows this. Shes known for about 3 months.

OP posts:

DesolateWaist · 10/07/2016 12:53

Serve her notice just like she was a tenant who wouldn't pay rent.

She is earning nearly as much as we do as a two adult household and we feel that we live very comfortably.

Zippidydoodah · 10/07/2016 12:57

Gosh, having read the updates she really is taking the piss, and needs to be told straight. You sound like a lovely mum but she's taking advantage.

PovertyPain · 10/07/2016 13:00

Point out to her that you wouldn't have let your youngest DC share a room for so long if you favoured them over her and you refuse to be guilt tripped by her. You need to call her out on the guilt tripping and tell her to stop talking nonsense and grow up. Point out to her that she is the one being selfish and putting her own needs as a full grown woman before two children with SN. She is your daughter and will always be so, but for goodness sack, she is an adult.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2016 13:01

In my first job I earned £48 per month ( I am old). I had to pay fares to London, clothes and entertainment out of that. I paid £10 per month rent.

You need to have a full and frank conversation right now.

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 13:03

I agree, i do think I need to put the boys before her now.

Shes a grown up with choices. They are 11 & 8 with no choice at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 10/07/2016 13:05

I have a 14 yr old dd & i swear i will never allow this to happen again.

Its so damaging to our relationship.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/07/2016 13:06

She's lived with you for three years rent-free post-Uni and hasn't saved a penny.

Well, that's hard cheese, isn't it?

She's got ten grand left to her by her grandparents so she could afford to move out tomorrow.

Give her a deadline, like the beginning of September.

You are not obliged to support her any longer. It's only your own foolish guilt and sense of obligation that's keeping her there. But you have other responsibilities far more onerous than giving her a free roof over her head for the foreseeable. She's not even paying towards the food she eats, so she's a drain on your resources. Your children with special needs have to be given first priority now.

PastaLaFeasta · 10/07/2016 13:09

You'll be doing her a massive favour by getting her out. I have a friend living at home at 30 and she's miserable, living at home has limited her lifestyle but she's stayed because it's easy - moving out is scary and less financial comfortable. But she hasn't had the lifestyle I had as a house sharing 20 something, meeting new people and not having a safe hiding place when thing are tough. I met my DH this way while she's stayed single, living at home being a taboo when dating won't help. She may have had less money to enjoy and/or save but she'd be so much happier and have better self esteem.

milpool · 10/07/2016 13:12

Fucking hell, no wonder she doesn't want to move out. She pays no rent AND does nothing around the house?

Time for some changes OP. She needs to start paying her way and pitching in around the house.

Maybe have a look how much it'd cost her to rent somewhere locally and go from there. I bet she'll soon change her tune.

SeriousCreativeBlock · 10/07/2016 13:13

Jesus, that is dream money for me (I graduate next year and expect to earn no more than £20K a year initially). I'm 23, moved out at 19, and live with my DD and DP and can't imagine still living at home at my age let alone hers. She has absolutely no excuse not to move out and is being massively unreasonable and inconsiderate. This actually reminds me of my brother (22) who is on a good wage, no dependents or obligations, but still lives in the family home and doesn't contribute a penny.
I agree with PP about giving a deadline. When I was pregnant, I was at home from Uni and my family gave me a deadline of May and I was out by April. It's amazing what you can do when given a deadline!

honeyroar · 10/07/2016 13:16

You've created a monster.

Tell her that you spent all your time favouring her when she was young, now she's an adult it's her younger sibling's time. Tell her that she's got until Sept to find somewhere, otherwise she will be on a camp bed in a corner of the living room. And that there will be rent to pay. Tell her you love her, but the easy ride and treating her family like dirt is over.

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