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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They are his friends not his parents.

37 replies

Rainbow · 09/07/2016 23:53

I had a Grandma and a Nanny growing up and my eldest children also have a Grandma and a Nanny. My youngest (different father) has a Grandma but X DH's mother abandonEd him aged 5 and died when he was 30ish. XDH has a couple of friends (married) who he doesn't see as often as he used to but is close. Recently, DS4 has been coming home talking about Grandma and what he's done with his dad. My mum (Grandma) and XDH don't get on so it's not her he's talking about. XDH refuses to talk about it but says he asked these friends to be surrogate grandparents in the absence of his parents. I have no objections to this but to call her grandma is not right Iand disrespectful when he has one already iMO. I also think it might be a dig at my mum, as in he has more than one grandma now. Ds4 is only 4 and don't want him to think he's wrong. I have tried to speak to XDH but he refuses to talk. Am I BU or is he?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 09/07/2016 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 00:17

It's usually down to what the person wants to be called. My Mum didn't like Nanny (she said she wasn't a goat) so was Grandma fortunately MIL preferred Oma but otherwise she'd have been grandma too . I don't see it as any disrespect just more people to love the child . Just need to work out which you are talking about but with divorced parents it's probably easier to work out which is been spoken about anyway.

PatriciaHolm · 10/07/2016 00:20

Entirely possible to have more than one Grandma. As long as the child is old enough to distinguish - Grandma Elsie and Grandma Maggie, or whatever.

Birdsgottafly · 10/07/2016 00:23

As long as they are going to be in your child's life whilst he's growing up (and ideally longer), then there isn't an issue.

I grew up with lots of 'Aunties', as was the norm back then, it wasn't disrespectful to my actual Aunts.

PreviouslyBannedToaster · 10/07/2016 00:25

trafalgar is your MIL Dutch?

dowhatnow · 10/07/2016 00:31

I had two grandmas growing up, they were referred to as Grandma Surname.

My kids grew up calling them Grandma pets name and Grandma distinguishing feature.

It was never an issue.

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 00:38

No Austrian

BertrandRussell · 10/07/2016 00:41

My children had two grandmas, a grandad and a grandpa. It all demands what they want to be called.

tidyfairy · 10/07/2016 00:45

It's quite common to have two Grandmas, my dds had two, distinguished by their surnames. I can't really see why this would be an issue.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/07/2016 00:49

I'm guessing it's more about this person being unrelated to op xdh rather than what variant of grandma/nan they're called?

You might not like it op but you don't get a say unfortunately, he's a parent too and if he wants to create surrogate grandparents for your dd in his contact time I can't see why not.

Brokenbiscuit · 10/07/2016 01:18

I think yab a bit u. Sorry.

If your child's father has nominated some "surrogate grandparents" in the absence of his mum, then that's his prerogative. All more people to love and nurture your son.

And if they want to be called grandma and grandad, it's no big deal. Your mother doesn't own the title, and there is no need to interpret it as disrespectful.

As long as they are kind to ds and he benefits from the relationship, then I think you should leave well alone.

BengalCatMum · 10/07/2016 01:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/07/2016 01:30

YABU Lots of DCs have two grannies or two grandmas . You can't impose your family's naming conventions on your ex. And I think its a lovely idea to give your DC a surrogate grandma on dad's side of the family.

AnnaMarlowe · 10/07/2016 01:36

Actually I think it's quite nice that your ex has sought to fill a gap in his family for his DC. I assume he doesn't want to discuss as this is still a painful area for him.

Not disrespectful of your Mum, it doesn't diminish get role at all.

Both my Mum and MIL are called by the same name but we add their names to distinguish them eg Grandma Jane and Grandma Kate.

Children have boundless capacity for love.

I assume he's an ex for good reason. He may be an arse, but this isn't arsey.

blinkowl · 10/07/2016 01:39

I hand a Grampa and a Grandfather but two Grannies. The one in the room was always "Granny" and whichever one was not there at the time was "Other Granny". Worked for us!

You are overthinking. Two Grandmas is fine.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 10/07/2016 01:44

YABU with regards the title, lots of people duplicate the same name on both sides, DH had "granny (surname)* and "granny with horses"

however.. no I wouldn't be happy with appointing people as surrogate grandparents

If they love the child, they love him surely anyway? so giving them this odd title is not "more people to love him" - because if they're such close friends would they not love him the same without this title?

What is wrong with having close family friends who love him? that is of value in itself, you don't need to make it into something it's not.

Surely it just HIGHLIGHTS the absense of "real" grandparents to make someone play the part?

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 10/07/2016 01:46

All more people to love and nurture your son.

How exactly is it "more" people?
Its exactly the same amount of people, except now the DS is told to call them grandparents instead of their names.
Nobody extra has been drafted in, there's no real bonus to the child here, just oddness

UmbongoUnchained · 10/07/2016 01:54

My daughter has 2 grandads, a papa and an Oji. 2 nannies, an Oba and a babooshka.
No such thing as too much love!

dibs1973 · 10/07/2016 08:18

My mother passed away, we are NC with dh's mother. My daughter calls my dsis mil, Nanny XXX and loves spending time with her, i don't find it disrespectful just glad my dd is missing out x

gettingtherequickly · 10/07/2016 08:21

I think YABU it's a lovely thing that your ex is doing, please explain why you think it's disrespectful your your mum?

blueskyinmarch · 10/07/2016 08:24

I had two grans and two granddads. We distinguished between them by adding their surname. It was never any issue.

Themirrorcracked · 10/07/2016 08:33

My ds has 4 grandmothers called grandma, and 3 surrogate grandmothers also called grandma. Sometimes it's grandma X, but usually it's clear who he means/ is talking to.

The more caring people in his life the better as far as I'm concerned.

BlueberrySky · 10/07/2016 08:58

My kids have three Granddads, they just added their first names at the end to tell who they were talking about. They love my step father as a Granddad as much as my father. I do not find that disrespectful. I am pleased that they have a family to love them and that they have accepted the wider blended family so well.

They also have a Granny, Grandma and Nain.

As long as your child is happy, what is the problem?

wheresthel1ght · 10/07/2016 08:59

You are being completely ludicrous on both threads

Janecc · 10/07/2016 09:00

DD doesn't have doting grandparents. I wish we knew a couple well enough to be surrogate grandparents. What DD called them would be immaterial. Its unlikely to have been a sleight against your DM. I expect you are overthinking.