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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

surely a grandmother should check with parent before buying for DC for school/trips etc.,?

66 replies

NoahVale · 09/07/2016 10:05

my DM has just announced she has bought books for DC school work, which we had anyway!
she said she asked DC.
Now I know DC is 16 but wouldn't it be sensible to check with the mother to make sure the motehr a) didnt already have said object, or b) the motehr hadnt made plans to source object.

yes, I have posted about her before, perhaps I should name change,

OP posts:

DeathStare · 09/07/2016 10:46

Nope. At 16 they are old enough to get married or have a job. I'd expect them to be able to tell grandma what books they needed or to ask me if they weren't sure. Blame your DC not your DM.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 10:46

Of course if you have older editions but your daughter felt she needed the latest edition as that was what her book list says and you didn't feel it was nessecery and that the old ones would do ......then that is a different scenario.

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 10:50

Pen velope Seriously you'd tell your kids to ask their grandparents for pocket money instead of gifts ??? Wow

Fairuza · 09/07/2016 10:51

I'd check with a 5 year old's mother, but not a 16 year old! Why did your DC ask for the same books twice

Penvelopesnightie · 09/07/2016 10:51

Yea instead of them wasting money , what's all that about, buying duplicate .

Pearlman · 09/07/2016 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/07/2016 11:00

thing is did the gm know the dd knew about the other books.

I'd always check incase the mother had planned a surprise or the book was on pre order and hadn't arrived yet.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/07/2016 11:03

So, if I read this right, you had old copies of books which you wanted your DD to have/use (either due to financial or sentimental reasons).

Your DD wanted new and you didn't listen or overruled that idea.

She asked her GM to buy them for her. Her GM assumed she needed the books and kindly bought as a gift, your DD is 16 so didn't ask permission.

Not her GM's fault.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 09/07/2016 11:08

Depends which copy is more useful/if they are identical.

I'm an English teacher, & it is better if students have the same edition as the rest of the class.

We usually supply class copies to be kept 'clean' (& used in open book exams) & students can then provide their own to annotate. If they end up with a different edition (eg. if it's a classic which a parent or older sibling hands down) then it can be a nuisance with page references being out of whack, or slight textual differences, especially with older texts.

I can also imagine scenarios with textbooks for Maths/Science whereby an older edition of the same text doesn't contain the most up to date material - exam specifications change all the time.

So if dd had older editions & dgm has bought her the newest, that's actually helpful to be fair - & I'd leave it to dd to keep dgm informed as to what she needs, if dgm is feeling generous.

If you've ended up with absolute duplicates of brand new texts, you have a choice: return yours & enjoy saving some money OR tell dgm you don't need hers, thanks, but can she check with you next time as it's a shame for her to waste her money?

I'd go with the first option tbh, in the interests of a quiet life & picking your battles. In future, take a backseat, get dd to confirm that she definitely needs a particular text & needs you to buy it for her, before you buy anything - it will be good practice for Uni anyway to get her into the habit of taking responsibility for her own texts, & aware of how much they cost.

I get it's irritating & pushes buttons that you know you shouldn't be letting her dgm press - my ex MIL was the absolute queen of upstaging Big Christmas & Birthday Presents with a bigger, shinier, noisier version of all my & xh's lovingly planned gifts. I used to grind my teeth over it until I learned to Let It Go...

Heratnumber7 · 09/07/2016 11:10

You sound very ungrateful OP. Grandmother did a nice thing and bought your DD some books. DD either forgot or didn't know you already had the books. Grandmother exchanges them for something else.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

If you want to ensure GM never tried to help out financially ever again, you are going the right way about it.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2016 11:12

Tbh I wouldn't have a clue what books my DS(17) needed unless he told me, and even then I'd tell him to order them online and let me know how much I need to pay.

So if anyone else wanted to buy him books, he would definitely be the best person to ask.

diddl · 09/07/2016 11:19

So your daughter didn't want your old books but fancied a new ser?

As a pp said, would the old ones still be correct?

Mine are only 2 school years apart but I haven't been able to pass stuff on!

Pinkheart5915 · 09/07/2016 11:25

I don't see what your mil has done wrong

grandma wanted to do something nice for her grandchild so brought the books. Didn't check with you OP because at 16 she thought the child would know what books they had.

I would check with a 6 year olds parents but not a 16 year olds

JudyCoolibar · 09/07/2016 11:26

I have a 16 year old and also a MIL I would be flabber gasted if MIL felt the need to ask me if she could buy my 16 year old a school book.

I wouldn't. It's nothing to do with the child being 16, it's just common sense. Surely if a child needs a school book most parents will automatically be the ones to get it for him, but the child won't necessarily know what is going on. Given that it takes all of 5 seconds to say "I was thinking of getting DGS that maths book he needs, you haven't got it, have you?", why would you not say it?

Original poster

NoahVale · 09/07/2016 11:30

no I have the books,
gm got them second hand anyway.

agree it is petty

OP posts:

Original poster

NoahVale · 09/07/2016 11:35

but we do have a history of this and it is not hard for her to say I said I would get books, she speaks to me, why not mention it?

ok you could say dd is at fault, but actually she asked me to get the books,
i got some, told DD I had others,

then I dont know how the conversation with her GM came up, did GM ask her or did DD ask GM? I imagine GM asked her,

it is not my expense, it is not a real expense, but it is a common theme

OP posts:

trafalgargal · 09/07/2016 11:36

Why on earth wouldn't a sixteen year old not know what books they had. Is this more infantilising of young people to keep them dependent longer ? I certainly knew better than my parents what texts I needed at 16 as I was the one attending school .

Original poster

NoahVale · 09/07/2016 11:37

she didnt know what books we had in the house

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2016 11:39

Surely if a child needs a school book most parents will automatically be the ones to get it for him, but the child won't necessarily know what is going on

Why would a 16 year old not know what's going on with their own school books?

happypoobum · 09/07/2016 11:39

I think you are over reacting to be honest.

Are they the exact same versions? DD will need specific versions of each text and 6th form usually specify which ones they are so that parents don't buy the "wrong" versions. However, it can still be useful to have more than one version as there could be something different and interesting in the introduction/notes that is missing from the class version.

Does it help you feel less angry if you can see there may be some benefit to DD?

CrowyMcCrowFace · 09/07/2016 11:41

Ah. I'd suggest dd offers the 2nd hand copies her dgm got to any of her school friends who haven't got round to getting them? Or will that cause a row?

Alternatively, stick one copy a shelf in her room, suggest she keeps the other in her locker, if she has one. Save her lugging back & forth for homework...

But I'd definitely point out to dd that if she is daft enough to get her dgm AND you to buy the same books, that's wasting money one or both of you could otherwise have spent on something more useful which would benefit her more.

Sparklesilverglitter · 09/07/2016 11:43

I'd not check with a 16 year olds parents, surely a 16 yr old is old enough to take responsibility for school books and know which they have.

I don't think the mil has done anything wrong.

Original poster

NoahVale · 09/07/2016 11:43

good idea, she can take books and if the gm one is a complete duplication then she can offer it to a classmate.

and i will tell DD to be more careful when she asks for things

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 09/07/2016 11:44

Jesus Christ get over yourself and stop making such a fuss over nothing. If the books are duplicates just take the new ones back & get the money back or exchange - you sound like hard work OP, your mil was just trying to be helpful by buying something she thought was useful, I feel sorry for her if this is your usual reaction

Original poster

NoahVale · 09/07/2016 11:44

i know I am over reacting. i know it is a Meh kind of story.

The issue is resolved thanks to my rant and others opinions. Thanks all

OP posts:

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