To be FURIOUS with MIL??

[user1000]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

My baby is 3months old. I had a difficult birth and not an enjoyable time having him at all.

There are very few photos taken of us both during and after the birth (ECS) and the ones that were taken are extremely private and special to me.

Yesterday me and DH got tagged in a post on Facebook.
It's a video, like a slideshow of photos.
You guessed it, those photos are on there. There's one of DS straight after the birth, still covered in birth goo and there's one of me holding him straight after the birth (whilst I was haemorrhaging but didn't know yet) so obviously, I look like shit.

Me and DH were both shocked to see these private photos online and DH asked her to take them down. He said that we like the video and it would be lovely, if it wasn't on Facebook, and if she would mind taking it down.

Her reply was something like this "I've taken it down. (Which she hasn't) don't worry, I know that these aren't your words and this hasn't came from you. I won't put anything on Facebook again, you can be sure of that!!! And by the way, User has photos of DS in hospital on her Facebook so I didn't see why it would be such an issue."
The photos I've put on are when DS was a few days old to announce his birth. Not when he was first born covered in gunk!

AIBU to be furious at this?? The video is still there!

YANBU, op. My ex MIL did something similar when I had DD except she took a picture of myself, DD and ex DP straight after birth, cropped me out of it you could still see half of my body and posted it on her Facebook with the title " I'm a granny and my baby's a daddy!"

I don't think you would be unreasonable to report to Facebook. MIL has already been asked to take the video/photos down and hasn't. If she refuses the only way for the photos to be taken down is to report them.

I'm sensitive to this stuff because of my own awful experiences with MIL. Would hate to see you go through this.

I see so many red flags here:-

1. Lying about having taken down photos/videos.
2. PA comment about you controlling DH's speech.
3. Childishly saying she won't put ANYTHING on FB again - oh, the drama!
4. Refusing to understand your point about the difference between photos of a few days old and firstborn ones.
5. She must know you had a difficult birth and yet she gives you stress?
6. She makes comments about your Mum to DH.

YANBU at all. I have some very gory C-section photos on my computer and some of DS5 being resuscitated but they are not for sharing.

Your dh needs to be very clear and very blunt with her, user.

He needs to call her out on the lie about taking the video down, and insist she does it.

He needs to be crystal clear that HE is unhappy about what she has done, and that he was speaking for both of you, not just you.

And finally he needs to tell her that, unless she wishes to have no more photos of her grandchild, she needs to learn to respect his and your wishes and privacy. "Mum - if you cannot respect our wishes about photos etc, we will not be trusting you with any more in the future. Is that what you want??"

Not unreasonable at all, they are not her photos to share. I'm personally not a fan of the goo photos either and won't be sharing those with anyone (not even parents/inlaws). Glad your husband was with you on this

I wouldn't be sending her photos again. I doubt it will be a one off. I'm so glad my MIL isn't on Facebook as she would probably do this sort of crap.

In a way it doesn't matter if it's just you, and not your DH, who's objecting to the photos being on her FB. They're pictures including you, having just given birth. If you don't want people you don't know seeing them, that's absolutely your right, and she should respect that.

What is it with social media that turns some people into such wankers? She's probably relying on you not making a fuss, out of politeness. Sod that.

Exactly Fatty, I've been aware her attitude towards me has started to change since DS was born. We used to get on really well. She was like a second mom to me.
I don't know if she's jealous that me and her son have a family now so he's closer to us than he is to her (he's an only child) and my mom works part time so sees DS more often than she does. She works full time and does every hour of overtime available, she often works 7 days a week so doesn't see DS as often as she'd like.
I can't think of any other reason why she would be funny about this.

"Mum - if you cannot respect our wishes about photos etc, we will not be trusting you with any more in the future. Is that what you want??"

I wouldn't give her another chance tbh.

I did try to defend her a little in my pp, but I think that it just wouldn't occur to most people to share such photos.

And her sister giving out details of the birth-sounds as if they struggle with boundaries.

But they do also have to have the info to be able to pass it on.

Your DH needs to make it crystal clear they are his words.

Thank you everybody for all the replies.
I've just had a look on Facebook and it's finally been removed. Hopefully she's had a think about it and realised she was wrong.
DH is still going to have a chat with her about it not all being my fault and fingers crossed that'll clear the air.
I won't be saying anything to her but will be watching her very very closely in future after this.
My guard is well and truly up after the comments she made.

YANBU at all. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now; it is very difficult when someone violates your privacy like this.
Personally I wouldn't be too hard on MiL. We have become much more private in this generation, and birth was talked about a lot more openly a few years back. She may not have realised that she was breaching your privacy.
Nevertheless, the way she responded was very childish.
Congratulations of the birth of your little one

Horrid to imply your DH is controlled by you.

Double check with someone else who is friends with your MIL that it has been removed: she might just have removed you and your dh from those who could see it.

Sorry you've had this hassle, especially when you had a difficult birth.

Enjoy your ds and bring part of a loving "new" family with dh.

Thats awful. Really upsetting.

When I had my first child DH had some photos - not awful but I look zonked out, you can see gunk on baby. Was looking through them with a close friend and she joked "I shouldnt really be seeing those ones" and skipped on. The thought of someone else PUTTING THEM ONLINE is very bad.

I have photos of me straight after the birth looking like shit clutching a goo covered baby but I put those up.

Yes, note the quite a significant difference - you put them up. If OP had decided those were photos she wanted to share, she would not be complaining either.

OP your DH really has to have words about the 'oh I know where this is coming from' statement and show MIL you and DH are on the same page

I haven't got children, but when I was reading a lot online to try and understand my MIL (she was PA and a Narc from my completely armchair diagnosis) I discovered that so many women said that their MIL was fine until the first baby was born. No idea why.

diddl I can't put into words how disgusted I am with her sister. I don't think I'll ever get over what she did!

I'm hoping things will settle down after this but I'm not too optimistic!

I also hope that DH makes it crystal clear what our Facebook expectations are. I didn't think we would have to ask for these photos to be kept private

"DH is still going to have a chat with her about it not all being my fault and fingers crossed that'll clear the air"

Maybe he should also make it clear that even if you had been the only one upset by this, he would still have supported you.

diddl I can't put into words how disgusted I am with her sister. I don't think I'll ever get over what she did!

I'm hoping things will settle down after this but I'm not too optimistic!

I also hope that DH makes it crystal clear what our Facebook expectations are. I didn't think we would have to ask for these photos to be kept private

We have become much more private in this generation, and birth was talked about a lot more openly a few years back.

Eh?

Yes, bec

Whoops, sorry - was going to say yes, because people plastered their birth photos all over social media a generation ago.

(Not. Obviously.)

I'm with you on this OP I'd be furious especially with her response